For all of you who work with the general public: ever notice that you meet the same handful of personalities over and over and over again?
At work, we only have seven different types of clients:
The Continuously
Whining Manbaby
There are
certain types of people you can only listen to for so long before you explode.
The Whining
Manbaby is one of them. I have seen so many of these guys come through the
office over the years it makes me nauseous. They're all the same--they have
plenty of money, but they refuse to pay us and/or the people they owe money to
(like their Destitute Ex-Wives and children, but I'll get to that), they are
rude, selfish, lazy, entitled pieces of sh*t and it's enough to drive me up the
freaking wall.
Someone else who
needs to just shut the f*ck up?
The Raging Harpy
What's that
phrase? Hell hath no fury like the woman who seriously needs to just let it go
and move on?
We have two
clients at the moment who owe us tens of thousands of dollars because they
won't let it go. Divorces that should have ended over a year ago
are being litigated to death because they can't let it go. I get it, I really
do--their husbands are lying, cheating, Whining Manbabies who probably deserve
it, but there comes a point in life where you cut your losses and move on
instead dragging both you and your innocent children through the mud.
The Destitute
Single Mother with the Deadbeat Ex-Husband
These are the
non-Raging Harpy women who were once married to Whining Manbabies. They have to
work three jobs to support their children because their husbands would rather
go around setting up franchises with new younger women than pay child support.
We do a lot of free legal work for these women and ignore their mounting bills
because we know they cannot afford to pay us what they actually owe.
The Nice Guy Who
Couldn't Make a Wise Decision Even if Held at Gunpoint
Guys, I really
don't understand how you can't spot the psychos. I can spot these women before
they even speak.
The nice guys
who come into our office all have one thing in common--absolutely horrific
taste in women. Women who are actively destroying their lives for no other than
they are batsh*t crazy. These guys are actually decent dads who want to take
care of their children, and half the time their Raging Harpy soon-to-be-ex is
using the children against them, or not letting them see their children at all.
And what do
these guys do when the divorce is finally over and done? They go marry another
psychopath.
People Who Must
Have Broken a Lot of Mirrors
We have a bunch
of clients who just can't stop having bad accidents. (And they end up
completely broke because health insurance companies are awful.) Car
accidents, slipping and falling in supermarkets, falling down stairs, getting
bitten by dogs, getting assaulted by random crazy people in public places--I
don't know how they do it, but they make us quite a bit of money, so I shan't
complain.
Normal People
(a.k.a., Criminals)
Drug dealers,
gang members, hitmen, the Russian mafia--know what they all have in common?
They're extremely pleasant. The are polite, they do not complain about their
bills or the job we are doing (even when they have to go to jail), they are not
psychos, they are not whiners; they are just nice to be around. I wish we dealt
exclusively with criminal cases, but alas there is not much serious crime in
Bergen County, and frequenting the Passaic and Essex County courts has the
tendency to shorten one's life span.
General Morons
You know what's
not a good idea? Driving past a cop going 60 miles per hour in a 25 MPH zone
while on your cell phone, with ten bags of heroin on your passenger seat.
Pretending to be
a realtor so you can break into people's houses and steal their identity.
CONSTANTLY
driving around in a town where every single cop knows you and your car when
your license is suspended.
Taking way too
much angel dust and then peeing in your neighbour's garden, in full view of
said neighbour.
I could go on,
but you get the idea.
