Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Job appreciation sort of

In honour of Thanksgiving, I thought I would do a Boss Appreciation Post.

I complained about Bossman quite a bit over the years (especially in the beginning when he was mean, before I had him trained). Now, though, I find that I actually do enjoy my job. It's not my dream job or anything, but I do like it.

With all the psycho and/or deadbeat divorce clients, whiny litigation manbabies, teenagers doing wildly illegal things in full view of the police, and the Russian Mafia, our office is a fecking circus. 

So in honour of Bossman, here is a "best of" compilation of all the spectacular things he has said over the years (mostly overheard phone convos), in case you missed any on Facebook:

"As your attorney, I advise you to GET A F**KING JOB."

"I have to go to my mom's around noon and pill her up."

"Oh look, they sent us free pens for our whorehouse."

"I have to run out for a few minutes; I need to go get a new set of balls."

"We got a fax from that moron hippie social worker."

"I'm going to club him like a seal on Friday, right after I knock the smurf out of your husband."

To me: "Well maybe YOU can survive without the A/C on, but I'm a Jew. We tend not to like ovens.

"That's actually going to help him become a better white supremacist."

"Just DON'T DO ANYTHING because when you do things, you f**k everything up!"

To his fiance, Bosslady: "I don't want to make a decision about the Christmas tree; I'm a F*CKING JEW."

To me: "I'm going to the doctor to get some more codeine cough syrup. We're doing shots of it later."

__________________________________________________
Bossman: [[very serious tone]] "I need you to come into my office."

Me: [[terrified I'm about to get fired.]]

Bossman: "Sit down, this is very important."

Me: [[sits]]

Bossman proceeds to make me watch this video:




___________________________________________________

"Oh Allstate says we can appeal? I'll tell you exactly what my appeal will be - A F*CKING LAWSUIT"

________________________________________
Me: "Why does he have a new phone number every week??"

Boss: "Because he's a drug dealer."


That same drug dealer resulted in this bill getting faxed to us after his overnight in jail:
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW
________________________________________

Bossman: (on the phone" "Yeah I've become sort of a bullying expert."
[We've had a grand total of one bullying case.]

"Obviously he can go f*ck himself, and I'm going to send him a letter confirming that."
(^my all time fav)

____________________________________________
Me: "I'm gonna need you to find somewhere to go Thursday night so me and my cats can stay your house until my mother moves into her condo."

Boss: "....Ok, sure."

_____________________________________________

One from Bosslady:

"I just touched her boobs. They're new."

Some from Me (mostly from facebook):

My boss asked if he could borrow a scissor, so I gave him half of the scissors and now he's mad.

We've reached the point with one of our clients where if you say his name out loud 3 times, everyone in a two-mile radius gets sued for malpractice.
(that was the client to whom we successfully sent a letter quoting Darth Vader)



I don't get people who treat a law office like a cheap salon. Like seriously unless you are in the Russian mafia, walk-ins are not welcome. You need an appointment.

I love how our professional private investigator claims they couldn't locate someone who I managed to locate on the internet in less than a minute.

______________________________________________________
Me: "I didn't know what you wanted for your birthday, so I got you some fava beans and a nice Chianti." ::manic smile::

Boss: "You scare me sometimes."

______________________________________________________

From others:

Bergen County Asst. Prosecutor: "Yeah I just wanted to call and tell you your client is a lying sack of sh*t."
This was followed by maniacal laughter, and then she hung up.

__________________________________________________________
Client (to his friend) - "He's dating a porn star."


Friend - ::laughs like a total lunatic for a solid 90 seconds and then starts choking::


Boss: "I guess you don't have a problem with that then"

__________________________________________________________

The Russian Mafia:

Boss: "So one of my Russian mob guys came home from Russia yesterday and found a divorce complaint on his kitchen table. .....Yeah she's smart; no one knows where she is."

Me: a member of the Russian mafia just showed up at the office wearing a pink checkered shirt and orange crocs

______________________________________________________________
Russian: [holds up his $1,200 Prada briefcase] "Can I leave this in your office? I can't take it on the plane."

Bossman: "....Sure ok."


[[5 minutes after he left, we peeked in the briefcase. It is full of cash.]]

__________________________________________________________

Russian mafia quote of the year: "As far as they know, I haven't killed anyone."




Happy Thanksgiving y'all!!! THE BOOKS ARE ALL FREE ON KINDLE FOR BLACK FRIDAY


5 comments:

  1. This I love! Thanks for all the brilliant quotes!

    Have a great Thanksgiving!

    Love, tracy

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  2. Oh god, I'm dying over here. Any job would have to be made better by having a boss like that.

    xxBella

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  3. you trained your boss??? oh my.
    "Just DON'T DO ANYTHING because when you do things, you f**k everything up!" <--I know a number of people I can say this one to ;)
    I died because Jew. oh my God the Christmas tree one though...oh my God. i'm dying.
    "Obviously he can go f*ck himself, and I'm going to send him a letter confirming that." <--can I marry him? will Bosslady be mad?
    that letter. oh my God.
    these are awesome and man, do I love you Mich <3

    -Sam Lupin

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving! If I had a boss like that, I'd probably still be working in an office. Mine was always much more Bill Lumberg (Office Space) and a lot less wacky boss without a filter.

    ReplyDelete

We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.