Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Another dead baby?!? SUE THE PARENTS.

The next person who tells me I should go to the doctor for my various ailments can pay the $400.00 bill I just received from the place that did the completely unnecessary x-ray on my neck.

I'd love to know precisely what the $600.00 per month in health insurance pays for, because apparently it does not cover medical procedures.

We Yanks have a bad reputation for suing anyone and everyone for stupid reasons. I admit much of it is excessive, but to be honest, the vast majority of lawsuits are necessary. And its because of insurance that they are necessary.

Let's say you're down the shops doing a spot of grocery shopping. You're looking for the parsnips so you can make a parsnip maple cake, and so you're not really paying close attention to the floor. Then you slip on some wet tile and a 100th of a second later you're arse up in the middle of the produce section.

A simple slip and fall that takes less than a second can seriously eff you up. I know people who have broken hips, fractured legs and arms, cracked ribs, cracked their skulls, shattered kneecaps and collarbones, dislocated their shoulders, and torn more muscles and tendons than you even knew you had.

So you fall in the supermarket and BAM you break two ribs, get a concussion, and tear a rotator cuff. You have fallen and you cannot get up.

Since your injuries are quite serious, you may get taken to hospital via ambulance ($700+). (bet you thought that was free, didn't you?) In the emergency room, they will check you over, treat whatever breaks they can ($800+), maybe keep you overnight because hey you broke a few bones and got concussed ($10,000 per night, PLUS at least $300 per day for every nurse that glances in your general direction, and at least $600 per day for every doctor who reads your name on a chart). And that torn rotator cuff? That will probably need surgery ($10,000 for the anesthesiologist, $1,500 each for everyone else in the room, plus all of the aforementioned hospital costs).

Torn rotator cuffs are kind of a bitch. You'll need physical therapy or something similar ($1,500+ per appointment, and you'll need to go a few times a week in the beginning). You may need more surgery ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$).  More physical therapy ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$). Prescriptions, x-rays, MRI's, specialists ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$). All because you slipped on a wet floor in the supermarket.

When everything is finished, you will be receiving medical bills (and probably collection notices by then) in upwards of $50,000.

But that's what insurance is for right??!!?!?!? All those medical professionals will put those bills through your insurance, and your insurance will cover the bulk of the costs.


Your insurance company will cover nothing. 

except maybe you and your loved ones with hellfire
So you are left with 2 options--find a nice cardboard box to live in, or sue the supermarket.

We do a lot of these cases at work, and they settle for an average of $50,000.

After your trials and tribulations resulting from that fall in the supermarket, you probably will not see a cent for at least 2 years. By the time you go find a lawyer, you are in unholy amounts of debt, being hounded by hospitals and collection agencies and doctors and their lawyers multiple times a day by phone and mail and your credit is not even in the toilet, it's in the 7th layer of hell.

So you have no choice but to get a lawyer and sue someone. Most of our clients don't even get to keep the majority of the money we get from either settling or trying their cases--most of it goes towards the their medical bills, and on average, they walk away with about $5,000 for themselves. 

Y'all want to know another legal secret? Of course you do. :)

America's criminal justice system is a thing of wonder and hilarity. A good chunk of our practice is criminal defense, and probably two thirds of our criminal clients are repeat offenders. Nothing awful, mostly drug dealing, DUI's, petty theft, and drunken fights that turn into assault charges.

You would be AMAZED how many people we've gotten out of serious drug and DUI problems with naught but a stern warning and a small fine. How, you may ask? 100% of the time, it is because the cops making the arrests are idiots with zero common sense. 

I have nothing against the police in general (at least not the ones around here). But guys come on. A ton of them in multiple towns were dumb enough to completely botch breathalyzer tests that a five year old could perform, thus rendering the results of that test inadmissible in court (pretty much every single DUI we've gotten dismissed). Dumb enough to give false information to hospital personnel in order to get a blood test without a warrant (all evidence thrown out, cases dismissed).

Dumb enough to plant evidence on someone in front of EIGHTY witnesses. We sued the police department and the prosecutors office for that, and won. The prosecutors office and the police actually had to hand a large sum of money over to a drug dealer, it was epic.


  1. Plus, with a torn rotator cuff, you can forget about your big league pitching career.
    I think I'll sue just for thinking of that.

  2. and I read recently a man who'd been on death row for 30 years was exonerated in the good old YankeeTown! Who paid for his 3 square meals a day, his laundry, his waste removal, his toothache, his everything? The tax payers kept him rent free for 30 years while your incredibly au fait judicial system fucked up half of this innocent bloke's life. Who paid this guys medical bills while he was sittin' pretty in the chooky?

    Perhaps you should consider a career in ersatz homicide. You may just be more affluent and you won't have to live in a cardboard box under a bridge.

  3. I don't know where you live, but I was a cop for 25 years and I never saw this kind of stupidity in my department. Saw a lot of stupid lawyers though.

    Have a fabulous day and thanks for visiting Comedy Plus. ☺

  4. Wow. I hope the feds are more competent than the. Cops your firm has faced. I think the jailbird uncle is guilty but he's such a hacker aand misdirectioner that I have only my belief.

  5. I hope you sort out your pain in the neck. So to speak.
    Our healthcare (sick-care) system is a joke. A very not funny one.
    I did not think those ambulances were free. My husband was having chest pains a few weeks ago, it was late and urgent care was closed so he literally DROVE HIMSELF to the hospital so as not to have to pay an ambulance. He was careful, and he's totally fine now. But I get the cost. Crazy.
    I had no idea police donked things up that much. I had to hire a lawyer years ago to avoid losing my license for having 3 speeding tickets in a year. The lawyer made it sound like he had to move heaven and earth to get me on supervision. Now I'm wondering if he just looked over the records and found a mistake! Meh, either way. The lawyer was necessary, and he saved my booty. As a single mother, I needed my license to get to work. I don't live near a lot of public transportation. It would have been devastating.

  6. i was going to attempt to write a comment for this but everything i wrote came up to be offensive sounding (to me). sorry, love.

    sorry about the healthcare system sucking at doing its own job. didn't know there was so many problems [my family is 60% nurses, i have an x-ray technician for a mother and my father is a surgeon so it's not like i have problem paying medical bills you see or getting test results back]...what can you do?

    true fact: as long as there's a system, someone's bound to screw it up some way or another.

    comment reply:

    i eat containers and pints of ice-cream in a setting. the sugar buzzes i've had...

    "I'm too lazy for zumba. Then again I'm too lazy even for yoga." i'm too lazy for yoga, but i'm never too lazy for Zumba. it depends on whether or not you like it really.

    i just listened to that song. oh man. that song does give that whole strum-a-banjo-sit-on-a-chair-drink-moonshine-out-of-a-mason-jar effect. also made me feel tired for some reason.

    "You will not muck up. You are brilliant." you are also very brilliant. *sends kisses*

    -Sam Lupin

  7. $700+ for an ambulance? That's a cakewalk. Here an ambulance ride is about $5,000. No, really. A friend of ours fell and split open her head and that was the resulting cost.

    Fun fact: because of that, when my wife got roofied, she could barely speak, she couldn't stand on her own will... and she STILL turned down an ambulance ride. The medic actually made her sign a waiver stating that she refused his services. Her brother had to hold her hand just to scratch out something resembling a signature because she couldn't do it on her own. All of this because even as far gone as she was, she told them there's no way in hell she was paying $5,000 for that. Her brother called me, and I came and picked her up instead.

    God bless this system of ours.


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