Tuesday, July 14, 2015

you’re gonna drive yourself crazy, and you know that it’s true; it’s just making you wild and blue

[Trigger warning for this post, as I'm waffling about depression and ED stuffs.]


Since moving back in with my mother nearly a year ago after the whole debacle with my hobbit hole, my mental state has gradually slipped from general depression to critical depression. I try not to blather on about it too much here because hey it's depressing, but at the same time I don't really have that many people with whom to talk about it.

My brain has but one coping mechanism for severe depression--ED relapse. And I've set things up nicely so that said relapse can go mostly unnoticed. Friends and family know I don't eat many carbs, so it's been easy cutting them down further. I have cream in my coffee in the morning, half a slice of Ezekiel bread with the Lexapro (because otherwise I feel really sick for the rest of the day), and usually chicken or steak for dinner, and half a bottle of beer. No more side of sauteed veggies. No more juice before bed. No more snacks during the day.

Still no weighing or measuring--I have no idea how much I weigh or what I look like. When I need to look in the mirror to do my makeup or hair, I try to only look at my face, never at my body. Because obviously it's too fat.

I started having food/bingeing dreams again. I haven't had one of those in years.

I've been a week on the antidepressants and the dosage goes up tomorrow. There's been no noticeable change in my mood yet except now instead of sleeping until 4 or 5ish in the morning, I wake up every couple hours all night. But then again that could be attributed to not eating enough.

To be honest, I don't know how much the pills will help. They don't change the situation. I still can't afford to move out. The cost of living where I do is still $20,000 more per year than I make. I still can't afford to go back to school. I'm still stuck in a job that will never take me anywhere, and I'm not qualified to do anything else.

And then there's the other thing that is currently burning me up from the inside out. can'teatcan'tsleep.

....never mind, I can't talk about that even here. It's nothing that can be changed or helped anyway. Constant reminders of everything I will never have!


Big Sis#1 and my nieces and nephew arrive Saturday. I'm hoping their three weeks here will be a bit of a distraction from the icky place in my head. Unfortunately, their being here means I cannot spend weekends at dad's anymore (I can't take it here, so I flee from NJ on Fridays) as there will be no room.

>:( I feel like someone just needs to take me out back and shoot me

16 comments:

  1. It's tough Mich
    I'm sorry to read that you are struggling
    Unfortunately it's second nature for us to go in to ED mode when we find things difficult
    I moved back in with my mum a few years ago too
    In order to get my shit together
    Do you think that maybe you feel you have no control in your living situation
    And so you are controlling the one thing you can
    Food?
    I might be completely wrong
    But that struck me as I read this post

    Scarily
    This is how a release begins
    Letting the little things go
    Then they snowball in to bigger things
    And before we know it
    We are up to our necks in ED
    I think it's a good thing that you are acknowledging that you are struggling
    Now you can do something about it
    Easier said than done I know
    But bring aware is the first
    Step

    You are a tough cookie Mich
    And you are too precious to lose to this illness
    I would urge you to fight!
    Fight all the way
    And refuse to let this thing bring you down
    Find something
    Anything.
    And live for that
    I know you know all this
    I'm saying all this for be as well as you
    As I need to hear it too

    Ok I will start writing now
    I just know where you are
    And I don't want you to slip further

    Take care and email me if you want to

    Mich love x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How a relapse begins
      Not a release

      And meant to say much love
      And stop writing not start writing
      Apologies for all the typos x

      Delete
    2. no worries, I go back and edit my posts like 10 times because I make so many myself :)

      Delete
  2. ">:( I feel like someone just needs to take me out back and shoot me".

    We both know better than that. Wish I had more than that and a virtual hug and prayers for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have my number and my FB. Hit me up any time if you need to talk.

    Tempest's Closet Refuge is getting an upgrade on August 22 when Charlie and I get our new place. You are also quite literally welcome if you need to escape for a minute, though I confess to having realized a plan blunder because I keep the cat box in the closet. I'm afraid you would have to stay in a real room. Charlie can make some bunless burgers and we'll crack open the hard cider.

    I have been far too distracted these last few weeks with needles and wounds and apartments
    to think about Things I'll Never Have. I hope to keep moving fast enough that they can't catch me for a while.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's been a long time. Maybe you don't remember.

    But I'm still here, rooting for you. Because if anyone can beat this, you can.

    ReplyDelete
  5. babe, this is YOUR blog. you can mention it and talk about it (and you do put a trigger warning, which is far more than i do!).

    i'm so sorry you're slipping back into the rabbit hole that is clinical depression. i'm at the moment slipping there too. it's been around three weeks of it, and i think i've come to terms that it's here for a bit of time probably and isn't going to go anywhere soon. ah, darling, that's barely anything at all (regarding food intake) and you know it. i'm sorry that you are struggling, but we both know it that slipping back into the ED world isn't going to do you any favours. can you perhaps try to up your intake a bit? not to the point where you'd feel uncomfortable (i.e. not so much that it makes your depression a lot worse). it is very easy to undereat when you are feeling so unhappy :/

    if you're not very comfortable with adding a bit more carbs in, you could always add in some fats to help you get your calorie count up without having to feel like you're eating tonnes. when i'm in this state, i don't like to feel like i'm 'eating tonnes' because it makes the situation so much worse. so instead, i eat very high density/high calorie things and that helps me hit a good enough calorie goal. i hope this helps, angel xxx

    "Big Sis#1 and my nieces and nephew arrive Saturday. I'm hoping their three weeks here will be a bit of a distraction from the icky place in my head." i'm hoping so as well.

    keep on fighting, Mich. you can turn this around, my love.

    ">:( I feel like someone just needs to take me out back and shoot me" shhhhhh, nope. no shooting Mich. Mich is too wonderful to harm a single hair on. you beautiful creature. Gosh, you're too precious.

    take care of yourself, beauty! you're very special and i'd die if anything happened to you.

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i hope that nothing i said has offended you or made anything worse. i'm in a strange enough headspace that i'm worried i might have typed something that would harm you, and if so, it definitely isn't my intention, love. <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. it can take a couple of weeks for meds to adjust (or for you to adjust to them). The trick is to not give up on them too early.

    I am so sorry your life is sucky right now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hope you do have a good time with your nieces and everyone. As much as I complain about mine some of them can be a very welcome distraction. I hope that the situation changes soon too. Or that you get the power you need to change it on your own. You've been here before and you know what to do, so try and do it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love you Mich and have so many years,,,i know the absolute horror of depression, but I an not trying to now what pain you are going through. I love you and please e-mail me if you want. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wish you could talk about what id hurting so bad... :(

    ReplyDelete
  10. Having family around will be a good distraction, true, but it's also a good reminder that you're not alone. I know the wrath of depression, and how hard it can be when it rears its ugly head. Many hugs and well wishes from us both.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm sorry to hear things have been getting so tough for you. I hope the antidepressants do... something. Anything to help. It'll take longer than a week for any positive effects to become apparent. You're right, they don't change the situation, and often we can directly link depression to situations (at least, I know I do). Nothing can change some things, let alone a pill, but maybe they can tinker with little things inside our brain to make us more able to cope.

    I also wanted to say thank you for your kind comments lately. It really does mean a lot.

    Sending love and hugs <3
    xxxx

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  12. I'm sorry about the depression. Your sense of humour is a source of joy to me

    Shelby x

    ReplyDelete
  13. Aww man, I'm sorry to hear this. I can relate too because I suffer from the same, although not in the last couple of years, at least not that much. When i was going through it, critically too, medication didn't help much and i was on 2 of those. The sleep or lackthere of is also a horrendous issue to deal with and it also darkens your mood.
    I hope you feel better. Haven't seen you around Instacrap or anywhere else...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Send me an email so we can exchange numbers, my dear: Sarah.perramant @ gmail

    I'm sorry things are not going well right now. But that's the good thing we know, right? That it's usually only "right now".. Even if that "right now" lasts a while? I sort of know how you're feeling, I think, and it's not so fun...

    Sending you big hugs. And maybe it's time to send you some mail?

    ReplyDelete

We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.