I was trained in a hard school, and I fight accordingly.

I've started and stopped this post like five times now and I just end up losing the energy to finish it... It's going to be a long sort of cranky ramble so feel free to skip this one.

Drummerboy wants nothing more than friendship. I can understand that. He's got a lot to deal with and the next few months will bring more crap to deal with. For example, in July, his older son gets out of jail and will be moving in with him, and possibly so will his son's 2 small children. I cannot imagine Drummerboy is keen on the idea of potentially having to introduce his son to a girlfriend who is the same age as said son.

He did stress that he does not want to lose me as a friend, and doesn't want to hang out any less than we have been, but would understand if I decided to stop spending time with him.

I really DO enjoy spending time with him. Do I want more? I don't even really know. My emotions have been a jumbled mess over the last couple of years, and what with all the medications I currently take, half the time I don't even know what emotion it is that my brain is trying to communicate to me.

So I take another sedative until I can't hear it anymore.

In other news.......

Dreams are a huge pain in my ass.

I almost called my guitar teacher at 5.30 AM this morning because I had a dream that his house burned down and he died and I woke up in a blind panic.

I settled with texting him at around 9 to ask him something unrelated to dying in a fire, just to make sure he responded.

(He did; he's fine.)

But now I'm anxious about it. What if it's some kind of premonition? I've lost count of the number of times my prophetic dreams have come true, but it's kind of awkward telling someone to please be careful of fire and maybe check your house for potential fire hazards without sounding like a raving lunatic.

I also know the logical/psychological side to a lot dreams. Fire in one's dreams is often an indication that you feel your emotions have gone out of control.

Emotions as I have said before, are a huger pain in my ass.

Confession time?

[I have not told anyone about this at all ever, and I have tried to keep it bottled up, but I really need to get it out, even if it's just on the internet.]

For about the past year, I have had a GIANT crush on my guitar teacher. 

(I mentioned this very vaguely last summer; the situation has not improved.)

Not even a crush if I'm honest. Like more of an I'd-marry-you-immediately-and-have-like-ten-of-your-babies roller coaster of emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I really like(d?) Drummerboy, and I was praying that spending more time with him would help with this, but as yet I would drop everything and run off with my guitar teacher to any location of his choosing. Like for reals, I'd even stay living in Bergen County if he asked me to. However, he is F**KING MARRIED. Happily married. So I have held my silence and kept my emotions at bay for a [torturous] year.

It does not help that we spend 30+ minutes of my guitar lessons just waffling about Game of Thrones, the Walking Dead, cat stories, etc. It does not help that he makes me laugh a lot. It does not help that he is now one of the biggest fans of my books and in the last few weeks has somehow bullied like 20+ of his friends into buying them and liking the facebook page. He also beat everybody to getting a prize for reviewing Westley & the Witches.

I know the obvious solution. Get the hell out of this situation. Find a new guitar teacher. Try and forget.

The problem is he's a really fricking awesome teacher. I know he will never be more than that. And my hour+ spent there every week is like therapy.

I just don't know. I haven't been eating very much.

The zoloft gets upped next week, as does the xanax. Next stop, Bergen Pines and a haloperidol drip. ......that actually sounds like a glorious vacation. 

In the meantime, I shall continue binge-watching Vikings and playing Vikings Bingo.