Tuesday, March 8, 2016

I was trained in a hard school, and I fight accordingly.

I've started and stopped this post like five times now and I just end up losing the energy to finish it... It's going to be a long sort of cranky ramble so feel free to skip this one.

Drummerboy wants nothing more than friendship. I can understand that. He's got a lot to deal with and the next few months will bring more crap to deal with. For example, in July, his older son gets out of jail and will be moving in with him, and possibly so will his son's 2 small children. I cannot imagine Drummerboy is keen on the idea of potentially having to introduce his son to a girlfriend who is the same age as said son.

He did stress that he does not want to lose me as a friend, and doesn't want to hang out any less than we have been, but would understand if I decided to stop spending time with him.

I really DO enjoy spending time with him. Do I want more? I don't even really know. My emotions have been a jumbled mess over the last couple of years, and what with all the medications I currently take, half the time I don't even know what emotion it is that my brain is trying to communicate to me.

So I take another sedative until I can't hear it anymore.

In other news.......

Dreams are a huge pain in my ass.

I almost called my guitar teacher at 5.30 AM this morning because I had a dream that his house burned down and he died and I woke up in a blind panic.

I settled with texting him at around 9 to ask him something unrelated to dying in a fire, just to make sure he responded.

(He did; he's fine.)

But now I'm anxious about it. What if it's some kind of premonition? I've lost count of the number of times my prophetic dreams have come true, but it's kind of awkward telling someone to please be careful of fire and maybe check your house for potential fire hazards without sounding like a raving lunatic.

I also know the logical/psychological side to a lot dreams. Fire in one's dreams is often an indication that you feel your emotions have gone out of control.

Emotions as I have said before, are a huger pain in my ass.

Confession time?

[I have not told anyone about this at all ever, and I have tried to keep it bottled up, but I really need to get it out, even if it's just on the internet.]

For about the past year, I have had a GIANT crush on my guitar teacher. 

(I mentioned this very vaguely last summer; the situation has not improved.)

Not even a crush if I'm honest. Like more of an I'd-marry-you-immediately-and-have-like-ten-of-your-babies roller coaster of emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I really like(d?) Drummerboy, and I was praying that spending more time with him would help with this, but as yet I would drop everything and run off with my guitar teacher to any location of his choosing. Like for reals, I'd even stay living in Bergen County if he asked me to. However, he is F**KING MARRIED. Happily married. So I have held my silence and kept my emotions at bay for a [torturous] year.

It does not help that we spend 30+ minutes of my guitar lessons just waffling about Game of Thrones, the Walking Dead, cat stories, etc. It does not help that he makes me laugh a lot. It does not help that he is now one of the biggest fans of my books and in the last few weeks has somehow bullied like 20+ of his friends into buying them and liking the facebook page. He also beat everybody to getting a prize for reviewing Westley & the Witches.

I know the obvious solution. Get the hell out of this situation. Find a new guitar teacher. Try and forget.

The problem is he's a really fricking awesome teacher. I know he will never be more than that. And my hour+ spent there every week is like therapy.

I just don't know. I haven't been eating very much.

The zoloft gets upped next week, as does the xanax. Next stop, Bergen Pines and a haloperidol drip. ......that actually sounds like a glorious vacation. 

In the meantime, I shall continue binge-watching Vikings and playing Vikings Bingo.


  1. Ahhh love is so so complicated! I have no idea why our hearts are created the way they are and lead us to so many of the wrong people.
    I do, however, know that what is meant to be will happen. I am living proof of it - fell in "love" with so many wrong guys or guys that did not want to be with me or guys that I thought would be the one if only.
    Then I met my husband and I realized how wrong I was in the past and how right everything about him is. You'll find the same too lady. Big hugs. xxxxoooo

  2. Aw Mich, you are totally smitten!
    Having a crush is both thrilling and annoying
    It's so lovely to get those butterflies in your tummy
    And you spend hours each day thinking of them
    And the imaginary babies you would have together
    But alas
    Love is complicated
    And rarely runs smoothly
    I would say enjoy your crush
    But seeing as he is married
    Well, that's a shame
    Enjoy him as a good friend
    Sometimes that relationship can he even better than a boyfriend / girlfriend one

    Don't tell anyone
    But I have a crush too
    I've only seen him a couple of times
    He has a beard
    And his name is Lewis I think
    I spend many a happy hour thinking about us and how good we would be together
    Will it happen?
    I don't know
    But it's fun to fantasise..... X

  3. I haven't watched Vikings yet, but any show that has DAMNIT ROLLO as a bingo square can't be all bad...

  4. Weird, but I watched a Tatort (German crime procedural that's been on TV for, like, four decades) episode yesterday in which a young woman dreamt that terrible things would happen to people she met. She went to the cops to report an as-yet-not-occured-crime. It was a depressing show (more than normal) in that the 'seer' had such a hard time getting on with things because the dreams were recurrent & upsetting. -glad your guitar teacher is okay, btw.

    1. Oh Mich, my sweet Mich...I know what it is like to have those scary dreams, I have them all the time now. I wish I knew what to tell you about love,,...i love my husband but it has certainly been a rocky 30 years, so to you, I just don't know what to say. Guitar teacher sounds lovely as does Drummer Boy. It is all so confusing, I do understand that. Wish I could talk to you in person. Sending much love

    2. PS love your John Cleese......

  5. That's a lot going on but at least you have Vikings?

  6. what do you mean feel free to skip? Mich is feeling bad... :(

    oh, i'm not sure if i'm supposed to feel sad for the whole Drummerboy thing or not, mostly because, like you, my brain has lost ability to recognise whether or not it's a bad thing. he does seem to sound like he has too much going on and i can't imagine that at some point you'd have to be caught in the crossfire if you continue being with them. still, honestly, i really hope that you two stay close because you are adorable together and he genuinely sounds like a nice guy!

    oh, gosh, the minute you mentioned Game of Thrones, i even sort of had a crush on him. it's natural, isn't it?

    i do want to mention that dreams like that are terrifying. i had one of this old Irish teach named Seamus being dead, and i still feel relieved whenever i see him walking around. you know, not dead or anything.

    take care of yourself, alright? eat properly. OKAY??? i want all of little Mich, not little-r Mich because she's not eating properly and taking care of herself nicely. okay?

    Vikings. one of the few TV shows i couldn't get into. not sure why. i mean it's speculatar but i feel nothing for any of the characters for some reason. i know i sort of liked Rollo but that's just about where it stops. for some reason.

    -Sam Lupin

  7. "Did you see the video of Leo trying to chat with the lady that engraved his name into his oscar? It was adorable." oh gosh, no i haven't. i saw his speech and it was boring me to bits.

    oh God i think i've lost it twice and twice times i panicked terribly.

    "gaining and losing grams of weight throughout the day" noooo that's throughout the WEEK, my love, my love, my love. i think you said something similar last post and i was like?? throughout the day? i don't weigh in throughout the day. the past few entries is like a diary. i pretty much write whatever happens Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, etc. i weigh in at the beginning of the day every day is all. and it's annoying pre-period because i know i'll gain microscopic bits of (water) weight no matter what i do.

    oh God, 5 minutes a slide. cry. depends on how good he is though. like today, he spent a lot of time on one slide, but it's like... he's moving and captivating so its' ok.

    "wtf is up with people putting absurd amounts of ginger in smoothies? The hippie health food shop near my office does that, even if you ask them to put less." it's MEDICINAL is probably their answer. so put in a kilo of ginger.

    "That bathroom sign is brilliant. I might do that to the ladies room in our office building......" if you do you HAVE to post it.

    "How many slices of bacon are suitable for breakfast? As many as you can physically eat before exploding." wise, wise words my love. i'll take them into account.

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Oh Mich, I am just so sad for you...I don't know what to say> Does that mean I am sad for me ? The Horror! I so want you to be happy, that is what you so much deserve! Much Love!

  8. Sorry to hear that your emotions are such a mess. I suppose you've probably managed to think about it a lot since the time you posted this, but I would say that for now you'll have to give up on something happening with Drummerboy. I'm not too sure what you can do with the guitar teacher too. I would recommend trying to find a different guitar teacher.

  9. Humph. Drummer boy has given you a way to graceully bow out of a serious thing to a more friend thing ~ very thoughtful, so you should think about it. Guitar teacher ~ yeah, you should probably find another instructor, or continue to torture yourself (although he is happily married, so it won't ever ever go anywhere, and even if he were interested, you wouldn't do anything anyway, uh, because he's married).
    Vikings ~ has been quite the roller coaster ride lately, don't you think? Love it....


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.