Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I ain't been droppin' no eaves sir, honest.


So I was watching Lord of the Rings last night (Fellowship of the Ring, extended version), and it got me thinking. In particular, the beginning with the hobbits got me thinking.


I identify with the hobbits. They're awesome. Sure the elves are all fancy and junk, but they seemed kind of stuffy and uptight. I would much rather be a hobbit.

And as I pondered that fanciful notion, I realized that I pretty much used to BE a hobbit before my eating issues took over every aspect of my life. I had always taken pleasures in simple comforts, and food used to be one of those. Not bingeing as I tend to do when I let myself eat a "normal" amount, but just taking pleasure in food. Eating what I want when I want. Cooking pretty much all the time just to play with flavours and try lots of new things. Having a piece of chocolate or some other sweet indulgence just because it tastes nice. I count alcohol in this as well. I miss being a beer snob, and appreciating expensive French wines. I miss doing all that and being happy with myself at the same time.

I WAS happy then, and one should be happy doing those sorts of things. There's nothing wrong with eating. NOTHING. There's nothing wrong with a BMI of 20.4. There's nothing wrong with weighing a 3-digit number.

I had a moment last night--it lasted maybe 30 seconds--in which all of this became so clear and simple that it felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I felt like I could breathe again.

It didn't last, but that's not the point. The point is that it was there, and it existed for a long time before this disorder. Which means it can exist again.

It's like trying to remember a vivid dream hours after you've woken up: You get sudden glimpses of images from the dream and you have a vague memory of certain emotions that you can't really put into words, but it's all too hazy to really grasp it. It's getting harder and harder to remember, but you KNOW it was there.

I used to be happy.

So now I'm trying to force myself to stop and think. Why do I want to lose more weight? Why, deep down, do I want to look like a chemo patient? I won't be pretty--no one is pretty when they look sick. And I most certainly won't be happy. That "woohoo!" feeling of watching numbers drop on the scale rarely ever lasts more than an hour or so after the weigh-in. Instead, I'm just back to being miserable.

I'm sick of hating myself. SICK OF IT.

So am I giving Recovery a proper try? (Again?) Maybe I shouldn't call it "recovery," because by now I really hate that word. Instead, I'm going to try Living again. This obsession with food and numbers and weight is not living; it's turning me into the walking dead. It's exhausting and depressing and hateful and no good will ever come of it.

I'm not gonna lie--it's also terrifying. It's like me with my vertigo trying to walk in a straight line without tripping or falling down. So easy to fall, and one tiny little slip up is enough to send everything crashing back down. Being content with myself is a completely alien feeling by now, but I'm going to try and hold onto it as tight as I can. I'm so sick of living in this nightmare.

....that being said, I'm going to apologize in advance if I stop giving some of your blogs the attention I have in the past. As much as I hate to admit to such a human weakness as being "triggered," I'd be lying if I said I wasn't triggered when reading about starving and fasting and purging and whatnot. I'll keep checking in on everyone's blogs, but I may have to pass over some of the posts.

It doesn't mean I love any of you any less. <3

41 comments:

  1. Lmao! That quote in your title is my favourite from Lord of the Rings by Far and possibly from any films, it's just incredibly quick witted and funny for Samwise to come up with that especially after overhearing such an important conversation.

    Don't worry about not being able to read some of our blogs Mich, I'm sure everyone completely understands that. It would be a bigger travesty if you stopped posting for us since I for one love what you write. Have a good day, good post as always! :)

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  2. MICH I FUCKING SALUTE YOU.

    this post kicks ass, and I love you! xxxx

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  3. I'm a fairly recent follower of yours and I have to say I'm very proud of you right now. I feel like you're in a good place. Being miserable is no kind of way to live, it's merely existing. I hope you keep on your path, and kind of like those Hobbits, it'll be long and treacherous but in the end, you'll make it there.

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  4. Living. What a beautiful concept, and so so spot-on. I'm excited that you had that moment of contentment and the realization that you truly can be happy again.

    And you're right, despite what we so often tell ourselves, starving doesn't make us happy (not truly). In fact, everytime I've been at my lw, I've been horrendously depressed.

    Much love to you, dearheart.

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  5. Mich. This is so good to hear. I understand completely and I wish you the best of luck. I think recovery becomes hard when this has become somewhat of an identity. I think it's great that you are going to start questioning why you act in a certain way or desire certain things. I really hope all goes well and I look forward to reading about your progress. *hugs* <3 Jade

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  6. I hope you can remember that feeling Mich, because it's critical. There was a time when I thought things like weight mattered, it doesn't. I've buried a child and a husband and have survived those things and learned to smile again. Life holds greater horrors for most people than looking down at a scale and seeing the number 108 looking back up at them. I'm not trivializing eating disorders, what I am saying is that with proper counseling and effort this can be overcome. It's your choice, so make it. Be happy. Don't worry about commenting on my page. I'm a reader of blogs, not a follower. Take care of yourself petal. Be well.
    xoxoxo

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  7. THIS POST - preach is sister! Even though I've never been underweight, I still feel a lot of the emotions of hating myself, wanting to lose weight for reasons I don't even know, wishing I could be happy with what I see in the mirror. Maybe that's why I've been trying to lose weight- this cycle of starve binge- for the past three years, so that I'll finally like myself. But what you said, it's about LIVING. We shouldn't hate ourselves, we should learn to love what we've got and rock it. There's nothing attractive about bones and hallow cheeks- what's attractive is a woman (or man) who's confident about themselves. Confidence is true beauty! There's nothing wrong with wanting to drop a few pounds and make your body the best that it can be, but doing so shouldn't destroy the happiness you once felt. This post is so awesome I'm going to quote it on my next post. Again, preach it sister!

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  8. This post makes me so happy! It makes me so sad to watch people hate and be hurtful towards themselves. I think this a good leaf you are turning over. Stay strong and happy!! :)

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  9. You seem to be in a relatively good place, and I'm so glad. I get these flashes of clarity occasionally, but they're so hard to hold onto. I apologize if my blog has triggered you in the past, and I understand your need to get away from that right now. Hang in there, much love! xx

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  10. Oh, sweet Mich, this entry really touched my heart.

    i wish you all the happiness in the world and every sucess that you can dream of...you so deserve all things amazing!

    So much love,
    tracy

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  11. good luck with this step Mich darling! Sending the best thoughts your way! <3 xx

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  12. Go Mich! I firmly believe we all deserve some happiness in this life.
    I agree "recovery" is an evil word. It was invented by the "professionals" to make us feel like failures if we ever starved again after the "professionals" claimed to cure us.
    Let us cheer you on!
    And if you do crash, let us give you hugs too.
    You are loved here.

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  13. Bearing in mind I spent the weekend before last dressed as a hobbit, I love this.
    Anyway, I also hate the word recovery..and with the least offence intended it is a very 'American' term that has come into use in UK eating disorder services and it annoys me greatly. I much prefer trying to live more normally, or just looking at what your prorities really are. I mean what does recovery even mean? It doesn't cover the gap between eating disordered and 'recovery' so people say they are 'recovering' just like you 'recover' from a cold. Bleurgh.
    See how it goes, see how life goes, that is all you can do and I totally understand about the blog skipping over. x

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  14. I am so proud of you, you can do it! Just hold on to that feeing as tight as you can!

    You're certainly cute enough to be a hobbit and little enough, but do you have the fluffy feet?! I actually know a girl who does! She's a fellow barefoot girl. Festival folk! Oy!

    Love you, M.!

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  15. Love lord of the rings <3 "what about second breakfast?" I'd still rather be an elf though :P
    Best of luck!
    Lottie x

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  16. Yay Mich! You can do this! I believe in you, and a lot of others do, too. So, so, sooooo glad you're going to give recovery (and happiness) a real try. I can't begin to know how difficult it will be, but the struggles you'll endure in trying to overcome your ED wont make you half as miserable as you've been with the ED. I can promise you that.

    You're absolutely right: the 'chemo patient' look isn't attractive. You know what is attractive? Being comfortable in your own skin...even if there's a little more flesh under it than before. Keep drowning that 'fat' feeling in a gallon of crystal clear common sense. Read this post back to yourself if you need to. Grab that 30 second epiphany with both hands and stretch it out into 30 minutes, then 30 days, and so on.

    Remind yourself what you truly want, focus on it, fight for it, and don't give up. One day it will be yours.

    Good luck! xoxo

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  17. Wishing you the best in seeking out happiness. You can do it!

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  18. that's great, you have my support whatever you decide-good luck hun!

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  19. You deserve happiness<3 I wish you the best!

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  20. I came back because I was still thinking about you and I saw all these comments. You are much loved little one. And I was thinking about your writers block too. Maaybe if you thought back to a memory that was really, really great, one that took you where this one did and wrote about it, that may help. And I think you can see that we all would come over and read it. Think about it.
    Love Anne

    xoxoxoxo

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  21. What a wonderful post :)
    You can do this, you can take back your happiness, you're right it's still there, you just have to focus on it and deal with the negative voices.
    I don't know if you remember me but I used to be Almost.Skinny... I've been trying to avoid the negative thoughts and have been focusing on my food blog so I changed my name. I can't say enough how important it was for me to get my sanity back by avoiding triggering blogs.
    You deserve all the happiness in the world. You can do this. Stay Strong :) xxx

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  22. I will support you all the way, you should feel beautiful again and happy :) Focus on that! It's going to be a long hard road, but as long as your have plenty of support you can do this xxx

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  23. :D

    And you know, hi fives and shit all, bang the drum!

    I'll post some more entries about delicious dinners and then you can post some entries about delicious dinners and we will become a couple of ghetto gourmands and then we'll have our own tv show. BOOYAH KASHA!

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  24. Have you ever seen Lori at dropitandeat.blogspot.com? She's a registered dietician, recovered EDer. It sounds like she embodies the Living you remember & dream of. Go check her out. Don't give up.

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  25. Wow Mich I'm so proud of you! You know you can do EVERYTHING you want, and you will!

    xoxo<3

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  26. OH FUCK YES! Good for you!

    I completely understand a depletion in commenting... If I was recovering I'd be pretty triggered by a lot of things on here. I hope you'll learn to love yourself the way we all love you. You deserve to be happy.

    I know you can do this, and I'm sure it'll be hard, but know that there's a small army of girls rooting for you here. Always.

    BRING IT ON RECOVERY, MICH IS GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! http://www.gifbin.com/982784

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  27. I can't tell you how much this post means to me. It's not easy to look deep inside yourself- really look, in the most honest, no more bullshitting way- and finally make the decision to change. I'm going through something similar; deciding that i'm sick of beating myself up, and saying fuck you to all the destructive voices in my head which have turned me into a wreck. SENDING MY LOVE AND BEST WISHES TO YOU!

    WEMAKEPLANS

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  28. Ohh Mich! I really hope that your 'Living again' plans work out. It takes crazy strength to be able to get your head into that position, but if there is anyone who has crazystrength, its you.

    My blog can be pretty triggering because my brain is definately fucked and i basically use it as my brain's dumping ground. but i would be happier knowing that you are embarking on a quest for a chance for happiness than have lots of comments, so never fear!

    good luck <3 <3 <3
    x x x x

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  29. As always good post. I wish and nothing but happiness.

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  30. Psst...I stole the mooninites quote form you :D

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  31. Good luck in dealing with your problem. Remember the more you think something the more it seems real so thinking positive always helps. Even if it doesn't much at first it slowly will.

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  32. I love, love, LOVE this post :) . Every word you say is so true. Stick to it! And whenever you feel you're about to tremble just read it again :) .
    It's a rough fight. Maybe the hardest one. We fight against ourselfs, one way or another. We just gotta make sure our strong voice wins. And by strong I don't mean the part which starves, purges or excersizes but the part of our soul which is brave enough to face life as it is and brave enough to accept every emotion, good or bad one and just let it be :)

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  33. This is so very lovely to hear.

    All the best to you, looking forward with you. Hope to hear more good things soon.

    M xxx

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  34. Haazah for Hobbits and Living!!

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  35. Thanks for your tips! (: But I already edited my blog that way and havent found anything there. I guess I could change it in the main-design but I dont have a clue about html codes so I guess I have to find someone who can do this for me. :D
    hope youre okay with the disgn for now, hopefully its not too confusing or something.
    let me know if something bothers you(:

    xx<3

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  36. You go, girl! You're beautiful beyond words, you don't need the disorder anymore. <3 Cast it off like a bad dream!

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  37. Good for you! No, strike that. GREAT for you!!! Having had a moment of clarity such as you've had is a magnificent step forward, and I wish you every bit of faith (or whatever else you need at the moment) to pursue that path of wellness.

    (For what it's worth, here's a shameless bit of self-promotion. My blog is rarely about food, per se, at least after Thanksgiving!)

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