Monday, November 7, 2011

Make some room for my friend, for Chrissake. But... keep your ass handy.

I don't know what the heck it is about informercials that is so comforting to my sleep-deprived mind. Perhaps the same magic powers that makes the stuff they're selling so difficult to resist? Like seriously--how can you NOT want scissors that cut pennies in half?!?

I've probably bought way too much off of informercials. Like the Slap Chop. (If you're easily frightened, don't click that.) And I will praise the awesomeness of my Slap Chop to anyone who will listen. 

And the ShamWows! Those were a gift, but still--I saw the ad and I HAD TO HAVE THEM. Which makes absolutely no sense, because the guy who sells those things and the Slap Chop is horrifying.

I was watching informercials last night. I want a NuWave.

Why doesn't Chuck Norris do more informercials? I mean he totally sold me on the Total Gym. Then again, when those ads were on all the time, I had this really bizarre and awful nightmare in which Chuck Norris crashed the party my friends were having in the woods, and he went mass-murderer on everyone with a chainsaw and brought the Apocalypse with him, and in the end he got me with the chainsaw and nearly cut my leg off, but I still refused to get into the ambulance afterwards because I do not trust medical professionals. 

My work trousers are snug around the middle. :*O   I don't like it one bit.


  1. Only you dear, only you ^_^
    Informercials freak me out, damn people so happy at 4am. Not natural :P
    Then again, they are getting paid for selling useless shit. Wonder if they get freebies?

    Hugs full of love (and vodka, shhhh),
    xoxo E

  2. Wow, that nightmare sounds pretty terrifying, I'd hate to dream something like that. I'd love a pair of scissors capable of cutting a penny into half too, seriously. That would be awesome!

    Thanks for your awesome comments on my blog too, I always appreciate long comments that make me think like yours. Vlogging definitely won't be my thing for a while but I'd love to do it when I get more confidence/magically more attractive, haha!

  3. ive always had a handy ass, btw i cant wait to see this site on my preordered kindle fire by amazon gonna be so swift.

  4. I'm a bird nerd, too. I just about died when that woodpecker flew down and took a drink from the pond not 15 feet from my stakeout :D

    In all seriousness, in order to convince your body the famine is over, you have to, well... end the famine. In the short term, you may have to decide which is scarier, food or pants. Also, I've put up a page with some info from The New Rules of Lifting for Women that might interest you, especially #s 11 & 17. Obviously you don't need to lose weight, and I know you're not at a place where you can accept that, but I think it could be possible to achieve the same end with a lot less punishment. Anyhow, don't mean to be overstepping.

    You could just try a little Walker, Texas Ranger for bedtime amusement. The DVDs cost less than the other things he sells :)

  5. No lie, I now want a slap chop and I don't even cook!


  6. I ended up with an Omega juicer for my 19th birthday after relating to my parents the Jack LaLanne juicer informercial keeping me company through a night of college food poisoning. It's the combination of people who don't exist anywhere else, faded stars and the pathologically happy, and the suspension of the laws of physics. Chuck Norris can't participate above Tony Little because he still exists in the collective consciousness. (Jack LaLanne forgot his vitamin K2, according to LifeExtension magazine, and apparently deserved what he got). Chuck Norris has film roles, hangs with Justin Bieber, and posed with Mike Huckabee to give him thug credit in 2008. He probably still makes robocalls in Arkansas. Ohio has one going around from Pat Boone, of all people, apologizing that he's not calling to sing but to repeal your collective bargaining rights. Don't forget to vote tomorrow, eh?

  7. chuck norris is a creepy ginger mofo. i dont like him ONE BIT.

    <3 x x x

  8. I'm so glad you're back Mich. I'd forgotten about ShamWow. My daughter swears that guy did time for being a pedophile. I think you could probably take Chuck Norris in a fight. Really, he's getting old and you have the Slap Chop. Just pretend he's a 50,000 carb sandwich and he's taunting you, then go postal on him.

  9. The urge to buy stuff is an addiction as strong as the desire to do cocain. Good luck with that!

  10. Just wanted you to know that the pic of Chuck with the chainsaw is now my computer wallpaper.

  11. Can I just say... I love your drawings. Adore them. Particularly Sir ShamWow. An accurate rendering if ever there was one.

  12. stop having a boring tuna - stop having a boring life! slap all your troubles away!
    Love it...

  13. I LOVE infomercials too...I bought a rotato back in the day. Best TV purchase ever. When I was younger I practically had the infomercial memorized! :D

  14. Oddly enough, I have a fondness for some of them. I'm not sure why, but that John Waters-looking guy who did the clean out your bowels ads was one of them. Probably best for me not to explore the reasons too deeply.

  15. How is your name pronounced? Is it like the first part of Michelle? Or is it like Mitch?

  16. a. I shall see what mountain related festivities I can conjure up for your desktop. Also, I WILL GET THE DRAWINGS AND BOOK posted (promise!). My timings have not been aligning with post office opening hours due to working during said opening times (and it's fairly rural here, where work is 12 miles from the post office. I'm being thwarted, I tell you).

    b. Informercials. I was fairly late in discovering them, having grown up with four channels on terrestrial television. No cable/satellite/sky for me! I was only really aware of their existence via Homer's penchant for them on The Simpson's.
    Until we got freeview/satellite. And oh my. There are such bizarre (and slightly sexual looking) exercise apparati out there! And the presenters! Their teeth are so white and straight (I'm British, mmm'k??!) and the men's eyebrows are always so....groomed. Which takes me on a tangent to discuss Marc Summers (Sommers?): the dude on that Unwrapped programme. His overly groomed eyebrows really freak me out.
    I'm kind of a little scared to click on the Slap Chop link, but I know I will... xxx

  17. Oh my lord, the photo of that guy! And that device! I'm kind of glad we didn't have one growing up, considering I was the child who wondered what would happen if I tried to sharped my finger with a pencil sharpener.
    I'm still amazed by the differences in pronunciation, too. Like 'two-na' for tuna, whereas we say 'chew-na'.
    ps. I kind of want a Slap Chop...

  18. Infomercial gadgets... lol. I remember seeing those Total Gym commercials. Christie Brinkley was in them, right? was Billy Joel thinking? She's like the hottest 50-something EVER!


    I live near a Bally's and a Retro Fitness, but I'm not sure where the nearest Planet Fitness is located. All my friends swear by them (my trainer friend works at one in CT) apparently they have Pizza Fridays? LOL ... that's not quite as bad as a bakery, but still. At least they're not filled with psycho roid-heads.


    Kellan Lutz is one of those Douchey Twilight Douchebags. He's not the main vampire, but of the other ones? Idk which one, Twilight sucks. And I lol'ed at your comment about him.

    Hope your work trousers fit better now that the food holiday is behind us. Just two more weeks 'til the next one! Yay!

  19. @nicole S
    If I'm quite right it's meant to be the german word for "me" and it's neither nor. more like the "ch" in chuppa ;)

  20. have you seen the "adult onesie" ones? I want one!

    and when I saw the abcircle pro ones OF COURSE i immediately got out my credit card to order one. Luckily I read the online reviews and my excitement rapidly deflated before I spen $120 of my hard earned $$

    you crazy dreamer you! i LOVE chuck norris actually and would be totally scarred if he came after me with a chainsaw!


  21. Oh, the Sham Wow Guy drawing is too good! i love all your drawings and yes, your nightmare sounded very sorry!!!!!!!

    i have bad dreams, especially when i run out of Cymbalta, (Ha!), but they uaually involve the normal missing and failing of college courses and forgetting homework...or driving with my Mom and getting very close to sharp curves that go down forever...and then telling her she can let her "favorite", my hubby, drive instead.....

    Freud, anyone?

    Gotta go clean, my thrilling life.....


    PS Does anyone know what happened to The Hasidic Plumber?

  22. SHAM WOW! I thought it was just a dodgy australian thing but apparently not! I admit being enamoured by the infomercial, but then I saw a pop-up stall in a shopping centre selling sad little orange felt cloth things...I didn't expect them to look so non-magical in real life.

    And yep, I have an ab circle pro too...blame my mother for that one...

    Your chuck norris dream sounds HORRIBLE D=


  23. You're so sweet love, I'm actually in the middle of a post now! Fear not, I shan't forsake you!

    Also, I have those scissors that can cut a penny in half. They're amazing! When I first got em I went around the house cutting things that no one would miss that I couldn't usually cut. Hours of fun. Oh, I've one of those ad toning belly zapper thingies too. You know, with that weird ultrasound-esque goo? Absolutely AWFUL. Tone my stomach will you? My ARSE. Really, purging (more frequently than I really should)has toned my stomach more than that shitty thing EVER did.

    I love hearing from you by the way, and your posts are always AWESOME <3 :)

  24. I died at the picture of the shamwow guy! Hahahaha he's such a crackstuhh.


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.