It's going to cost $2,200.00 to fix my car. (T.T)
I do not have $2,200.00.
Anyone need a kidney? Or some eggs? It doesn't get much purer than my Celtic genes. I'd offer a piece of my liver, but that would probably only make you worse if you really need a functioning liver.... I should probably start prepping my cardboard-box-house.
So I know I was in Eff-Recovery-Mode at the end of September and then in October I kind of sort of tried again, but that attempt was much more of an unbalanced tightrope act and mostly I swayed on the side of Disordered.
Well, as of mid-November, the disorder is back with a vengeance. Why, you may ask? Because on top of all the other colossal stressors, I STILL WEIGH 108 MOTHEREFFING POUNDS.
It's been over a month. Not a single fluctuation in my weight. I suppose it could be worse--my weight could still be going up (in which case I think I'd either snap my own neck or end up in lockdown at Bergen Regional). Even then, if my weight went up because of bingeing, I might not go suicidal-crazy, because at least then I would know the wheretos and the whyfors of said weight gain. Binge = gain. That makes sense.
I have not had a real binge in quite some time. Over a month, I think, which is probably a record for me. Sure I've had days in which I have eaten more than I would like, but nothing that really qualifies as a binge. And I've been exercising like a fiend, as per usual. I even changed up my exercise routine to include some toning and less cardio, and now the cardio is mostly interval training. I drink plenty of water. I don't really drink soda. I lay off caffeine except for my 2 allowed caffeinated beverages in the morning. I've cut down on salt (which is a HUGE accomplishment for someone in my family...).
And yet no change whatsoever in my weight. None. I've plateaued before, but never like this.
Last week saw me going back to super-restriction. Most days are starve-a-thons except weekends, and even then I haven't been eating all that much on weekends. I even broke out the old food diary.
I had a very long internal debate on whether or not I should post that. It's like showing people the filthiest, darkest, most slime-infested regions of my brain and it makes me want to cower shamefully in a corner. And I already feel like I want to cower shamefully in a corner because I'm FAT.
I know, I know. I'm not really that fat. I need to chillax like hardcore. But it's not that easy. If it was, it wouldn't be a Disorder.
Today, I have eaten some turkey bacon (45), coffee that I ended up pouring down the sink because I've lost my taste for coffee (5), sugarfree French Vanilla fake cappuccino thing from powder than comes in a tin (25), and yogurt (50). I'm thinking about maybe having a cup-a-soup soon (50). I did make myself a salad as well, which I shall try to eat (seafood salad thing from A&P mixed with baby spinach). It's difficult, though. Whenever I think about eating, my brain is all like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU'RE TOO FAT FOR THAT!!!!!
If my weight was fluctuating up and down this wouldn't bother me so much. But because my weight--no matter what I do--will not budge from 108, I am living in a state of constant TERROR. One false move, and I could go up to 110, 112, 115, 120; and never go back down again. It's like a curse. And Mich's fairy godmother fecked off a long time ago. (If she ever existed in the first place, which is doubtful because everyone knows Irish girls don't get fairy godmothers.)
Perhaps it is water retention? I'm presuming that's part of it, as I know that use of the vitamins* can cause epic water retention. As I have mentioned before, the vitamins* enable me to exercise for up to an hour and a half on 200 calories or less. But there's also the possibility that they're making me weigh more. The result is extreme kombat in my brain, as the vitamin* addiction battles the eating disorder.
Yesterday, I walked to CVS on my lunch break to buy some diuretics. I took them this morning, so we shall see how it goes....
......yes, I do in fact know that I have problems and I probably need help, but unless you sweet little chickadees intend to pay for that help (and I accept personal checks, money orders, and credit cards), kindly keep those thoughts to yourself. ♥
*if you haven't figured it out already, they go up your srón and rhyme with mugs.