Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sweet boy come in; I am the dark side of you.


It's going to cost $2,200.00 to fix my car. (T.T)

I do not have $2,200.00.

Anyone need a kidney? Or some eggs? It doesn't get much purer than my Celtic genes. I'd offer a piece of my liver, but that would probably only make you worse if you really need a functioning liver.... I should probably start prepping my cardboard-box-house.

So I know I was in Eff-Recovery-Mode at the end of September and then in October I kind of sort of tried again, but that attempt was much more of an unbalanced tightrope act and mostly I swayed on the side of Disordered.

Well, as of mid-November, the disorder is back with a vengeance. Why, you may ask? Because on top of all the other colossal stressors, I STILL WEIGH 108 MOTHEREFFING POUNDS.

It's been over a month. Not a single fluctuation in my weight. I suppose it could be worse--my weight could still be going up (in which case I think I'd either snap my own neck or end up in lockdown at Bergen Regional). Even then, if my weight went up because of bingeing, I might not go suicidal-crazy, because at least then I would know the wheretos and the whyfors of said weight gain. Binge = gain. That makes sense.

But no.

I have not had a real binge in quite some time. Over a month, I think, which is probably a record for me. Sure I've had days in which I have eaten more than I would like, but nothing that really qualifies as a binge. And I've been exercising like a fiend, as per usual. I even changed up my exercise routine to include some toning and less cardio, and now the cardio is mostly interval training. I drink plenty of water. I don't really drink soda. I lay off caffeine except for my 2 allowed caffeinated beverages in the morning. I've cut down on salt (which is a HUGE accomplishment for someone in my family...).

And yet no change whatsoever in my weight. None. I've plateaued before, but never like this.

Last week saw me going back to super-restriction. Most days are starve-a-thons except weekends, and even then I haven't been eating all that much on weekends. I even broke out the old food diary.

I had a very long internal debate on whether or not I should post that. It's like showing people the filthiest, darkest, most slime-infested regions of my brain and it makes me want to cower shamefully in a corner. And I already feel like I want to cower shamefully in a corner because I'm FAT.

I know, I know. I'm not really that fat. I need to chillax like hardcore. But it's not that easy. If it was, it wouldn't be a Disorder.

Today, I have eaten some turkey bacon (45), coffee that I ended up pouring down the sink because I've lost my taste for coffee (5), sugarfree French Vanilla fake cappuccino thing from powder than comes in a tin (25), and yogurt (50). I'm thinking about maybe having a cup-a-soup soon (50). I did make myself a salad as well, which I shall try to eat (seafood salad thing from A&P mixed with baby spinach). It's difficult, though. Whenever I think about eating, my brain is all like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU'RE TOO FAT FOR THAT!!!!!

If my weight was fluctuating up and down this wouldn't bother me so much. But because my weight--no matter what I do--will not budge from 108, I am living in a state of constant TERROR. One false move, and I could go up to 110, 112, 115, 120; and never go back down again. It's like a curse. And Mich's fairy godmother fecked off a long time ago. (If she ever existed in the first place, which is doubtful because everyone knows Irish girls don't get fairy godmothers.)

Perhaps it is water retention? I'm presuming that's part of it, as I know that use of the vitamins* can cause epic water retention. As I have mentioned before, the vitamins* enable me to exercise for up to an hour and a half on 200 calories or less. But there's also the possibility that they're making me weigh more. The result is extreme kombat in my brain, as the vitamin* addiction battles the eating disorder.

Yesterday, I walked to CVS on my lunch break to buy some diuretics. I took them this morning, so we shall see how it goes....

......yes, I do in fact know that I have problems and I probably need help, but unless you sweet little chickadees intend to pay for that help (and I accept personal checks, money orders, and credit cards), kindly keep those thoughts to yourself. ♥




*if you haven't figured it out already, they go up your srón and rhyme with mugs. 

24 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about all of that expensive damage to your car. I don't know what I would do in your situation. Well, actually, I probably would end up having to borrow it from my parents or Juan - since I am of course a completely broke graduate student.

    Anyway, thanks for showing us your food diary. That's really personal stuff and I feel honored that you'd show it to me/us.

    Let me know if there is anything I can do - obviously I have no money - but if your car needs a sweater to hold it together in the mean time, I'll get knitting... or if you need a ride to work, I could move back to NJ and get myself a rickshaw to cart you about!

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  2. I know you don't want to hear this but mabe 108 is where your body is meant to be and that is why it refuses to budge. I went from underweight to overweight so I have no experience to draw from, sorry. All I can say is hang in there and good luck.

    Sorry about your car, that sucks big time. I thought it was funny that right after you explaied that you don't have the healthies kidney you have a picture of yourself drinking alcohol. lol

    Thank for the support! I will def take your advice about the veggies. I am a vegetarian as now, soon to become vegan so vitamins are a def part of my life regimine.

    Sam

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  3. Love you doll, just breathe. It is what it is, but breathing makes everything clearer. The food diary must have taken so much to show us, and I really appreciate you sharing. It's a good way to document all this shit thats going on in your life, you know? Much love, stay strong

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  4. Yay, you have returned! In the good news department, i just ordered your book and it will be here in time to take to the Freakin' Weekend of Joy, aka Thanksgiving!

    Wow, sorry about your car...that's awful, soooo awful!!!!! Mum up for a loan?????

    i am going through a similar thing as you with the weight...i finally drop a couple of pounds, then i find it necessay to sabotage myself with food and "beverage" and gain it back....effff!!!!! Annnnd, i was going to try to lose at least 5 pounds before the Weekend gala, as weight is the only thing i have "up", ha, on my sis...GAH!!!!!!!!! Wish i had an answer to what was going on with you, i can certianly understand the frustration, you are sooo doing everything right, it sucks so, doesn't it???

    Boooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Betcha my liver is a mess too!

    Love ya, Doll!

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  5. PS i honestly didn't copy Olivia Lee, we posted at the same time!

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  6. I can't believe how expensive your car repair's going to be, that's absolutely ridiculous! Here's hoping you get some money soon. Sorry to hear about your weight too, although as said above maybe that's the way it's meant to be just, it would definitely explain why it's not changing. I hope everything sorts itself out anyway, great post to read as always. :)

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  7. I'm sorry your car is going to cost so much. Money stress absolutely sucks.

    As for your weight, the fact that you're maintaining and not bingeing is awesome! I know it must be infuriating, though. I truly wish you the best in whatever you do, however you decide to deal with the evil ed voices.

    Thanks for giving us a peek into your food diary. That took guts. I've never been able to show anyone mine.

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  8. FUCK PLATEAUS.
    Seriously, just fuck them. They are the WORST. At least I can make sense of a gain, plateaus just leave me like ??????

    but really Mich, 108 is teeny and adorable. If it really freaks you out though I'm sure it'll go back down. You have iron will-power.

    <3

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  9. Holy Shit.

    That much?! For damage incurred from an already dead deer?! wtf?! Good thing it wasn't alive!

    I bet you could make that cash baby sitting for rich people during holiday party season. Or maybe ask your boss for an advance?

    108lbs might be, as someone pointed out, a decent, healthy weight for you to be. I know it's scary as fuck, but the having of a physical body also means the maintenance of that body...care and feeding being hand in glove.

    You aren't you if you've wasted away to nothing but an ED and the numbers that have no meaning other than the meaning you imbue them with.

    Don't panic? Keep calm and write a book about it.

    xoxoxo

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  10. I seriously adore you and your posts!
    When I read the words that you have typed a smile creeps onto my face, I love the Irish humour (I am part Irish after all) and I absolutely LOVE the pictured you create and post.
    Plateaus suck. Big time. It's as if someone or something out there know's the best way to annoy and destroy people that have ED's... haha what an ironic statement there.
    On a brighter note though, it is absolutely FANTASTIC that you're not bingeing, that takes so much strength.
    I admire you for that.
    I can't wait for your next post.
    Love Anafly
    xxx

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  11. What you call vitamins, the people at work call sandwiches. It gets REALLY fucking confusing at break time!

    I work in a deli, so I have a good supply of cardboard boxes. Wanna come hang with me under my bridge when I can't make rent anymore? :p

    I feel you on the plateau, except my terror of constant gain is coming true. I'm 10kg heavier than the start of the year and still climbing. WHY does my brain go 'nobody's around to see you, BINGE!' instead of 'Nobody's around to see you, STARVE'?!? *Sigh* food=serotonin=medication I guess.

    I should auction my Spud String to bloggoland to raise money for your car. Think we could swing that? (Am being serious. Wtf else am I going to do with it? Make another sheep?)

    Put the brain demons in time out for the length of a Sailor Moon episode every day. THAT IS A FUCKING ORDER. You need some serious 'Mich Time' before you explode.

    Arohanui <3

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  12. With that money I'd buy a used car in Mexico!

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  13. Don't feel as though you have to shamelessly cower into a corner- seeing dark, slimy places in people's mind is interesting to me. (Maybe I should do psychology as a major instead?). We ALL have those dark places we would rather not reveal- and you are brave enough to do so.

    I'm really sorry about your car- I know about have to pay loads in order to keep vehicles functioning properly. Many mechanics are scams but if you don't know how to work on cars, what can you do but trust them?

    My weight has plateaued at a much, much higher weight than what I'm accustomed too (I wish I was 108 lbs!) and those fearful thoughts of, "What if I'm this weight forever?!" start creeping back into my mind. Sometimes we have to do what needs to be done in order to get where we need to be. For some of us, that's epic starve-a-thons and loads of exercise and others shouldn't hate or judge. I wish you the best m'dear and I hope your weight gets to where you want it soon ♥

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  14. that properly sucks about your car :( frikity frikity frack.

    your thinspo book is so pretty and colourful compared to mine! kinda jealous. and i am always petrified that someone will find it - when i was an emaciated teenager, my parents came across my thinspo book and showed it to a doctor. and he flicked through all the pages with his dirty, fat little fingers and read it all through his spectacles. i sat there crying like a little girl in detention.

    but looking back now, its rather funny XD

    lots of love
    x x x x x

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  15. Ah Mich, sorry you're having a frustrating time at the mo. It's just not right when one's body doesn't behave logically in accordance with like, the laws of physics. Hope you break the plateau (on a downward decline of course!) soon.

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  16. MY WIFE would kill to weigh 108.

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  17. Thats a lot of money to fix a car! Holy Cow!

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  18. I think most or all of us have that embarrassing food diary. I keep mine in a word document on my computer, I freak anytime anyone uses my computer for fear they some how open the file on purpose or accident. Don't be embarrassed, that is why you have this blog, to talk to people who have the same or similar problems as you.
    Vitamins* definitely make you hold onto water weight like a bitch. Just went over that in my medical/nutrition class actually.
    I hope your plateau passes<3

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  19. You have such a gift. Even when things are going shitty for you you still manage to make it kinda funny, you're amazing.
    Sorry about your car. Car trouble does suck.
    Plateaus suck too. Remember when you posted that near-nekkid pic of yourself?
    Hope it doesn't bother you that I keep that pic in my thinspo hottness folder on my phone. I'm sure you're just as hot now.
    Hmm changing subject before I get slapped ^_^
    Maybe instead of living in a cardboard box you could go join the Occupy Wall St people? I hear some of them have tents and blankets.
    Speaking of blankets...anyone know if those army surplus emergency blankets can be folded up and reused? Or do they fall to bits after a couple uses?

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  20. Sweet Jesus, Lord Almghty! That's daylight robbery, that is! Bastards!

    I'm very impressed, your diary is that of a woman who gets things done! I've seen a few like it, but they all belonged to whiney, self obsessed attention seekers, who always managed to stay 20kg overweight!

    I know you'll be back on top in no time! You're a very determined woman, M. If anyone can do it, it's you! Love you, Babe! :)

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  21. Bloody hell that is ALOT of money. I've missed you in the 2 weeks ive been away!! Your food diary looks jam-packed! Maybe keeping it out will help you :) You'll lose it soon! Your body is just holding onto the weight because it needs it to function :( Which sucks arse, i know...but it will fall!! :) I have faith in you xxx

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  22. want my kidney/liver? Altho given my past abuse of vitamins*, god only knows what state they're in... (i have gone since March without supplementation, yay me!)

    gahhh, i hate plateaus, I've been stuck for weeks! I understand that it's not your safe zone... but 108 mother effin pounds... I'd give anything to weigh that, at least there's people fatter than you? ok i know i probably shouldn't say that, not pc or something

    darling, please don't end up at the center for excellence... i'd miss you way too much!

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