[Trigger warning for this post, as I'm waffling about
depression and ED stuffs.]
Since moving back in with my mother nearly a year ago after
the whole debacle with my hobbit hole, my mental state has gradually
slipped from general depression to critical depression. I try not to blather on
about it too much here because hey it's depressing, but at the same time I
don't really have that many people with whom to talk about it.
My brain has but one coping mechanism for severe
depression--ED relapse. And I've set things up nicely so that said relapse can
go mostly unnoticed. Friends and family know I don't eat many carbs, so it's
been easy cutting them down further. I have cream in my coffee in the morning,
half a slice of Ezekiel bread with the Lexapro (because otherwise I feel really
sick for the rest of the day), and usually chicken or steak for dinner, and
half a bottle of beer. No more side of sauteed veggies. No more juice before
bed. No more snacks during the day.
Still no weighing or measuring--I have no idea how much I
weigh or what I look like. When I need to look in the mirror to do my makeup or
hair, I try to only look at my face, never at my body. Because obviously it's too fat.
I started having food/bingeing dreams again. I haven't had one of
those in years.
I've been a week on the antidepressants and the dosage goes
up tomorrow. There's been no noticeable change in my mood yet except now
instead of sleeping until 4 or 5ish in the morning, I wake up every couple
hours all night. But then again that could be attributed to not eating enough.
To be honest, I don't know how much the pills will help. They
don't change the situation. I still can't afford to move out. The cost of
living where I do is still $20,000 more per year than I make. I still can't
afford to go back to school. I'm still stuck in a job that will never take me
anywhere, and I'm not qualified to do anything else.
And then there's the other thing that is currently burning
me up from the inside out. can'teatcan'tsleep.
....never mind, I can't talk about that even here. It's
nothing that can be changed or helped anyway. Constant reminders of everything
I will never have!
Big Sis#1 and my nieces and nephew arrive Saturday. I'm
hoping their three weeks here will be a bit of a distraction from the icky
place in my head. Unfortunately, their being here means I cannot spend weekends
at dad's anymore (I can't take it here, so I flee from NJ on Fridays) as there
will be no room.
>:( I feel like someone just needs to take me out back and shoot me
