How to Drive on the Palisades Parkway Between Exits 4 and 18

1. First and foremost, you will need to hone your tailgating skills. There will be a test. If you cannot remain exactly 3 inches away from the bumper of the car in front of you while going at least 75 miles per hour, you will need to go back and study some more, or get the hell out of the fast lane.

2. The speed limit is between 80 and 90 miles per hour. We know the signs say 55, but really it's 80 - 90.

3. Do not drive below 65. Seriously.

4. If you must drive below 65, get the hell out of the fast lane. Refuse and you will be TAILGATED TO DEATH.

5. Do not remain behind a school bus. Forget the speed limit, just get around and in front of the school bus. Always. The safety of small children be damned.

6. Do not f*ck with the army trucks. You will lose.

7. Sometimes, there are idiots. 

General tailgating does not work on these specific types of idiots. You'll need to step up your aggression. You need to run the idiot off the road or die trying. If you are not aggressive enough, or not gifted in the art of tailgating, learn to observe the cars behind you and identify the driver best suited to this task. Move over and let that driver get directly behind the idiot, so that said driver can run the idiot off the road. Or at least, into the slow lane.

It's the most fun when the cops do this. They are the the best at it.

8. Speaking of the cops, don't worry too much about getting pulled over for speeding. It does not happen very often, as the Palisades Parkway Police are far too busy cleaning up car accidents. Simply memorize their favourite hiding spots, and remember to observe the cars in front of you for sudden inexplicable braking.

9. You will also need to memorize the locations of the extreme pot holes. Because those pot holes will not get fixed for at least the next 12 months, and they will only get more and more extreme until they are large and deep enough to flip your car. (I've seen this happen; it's terrifying.)

10. Traffic always backs up around Exit 9, because Thruway drivers do not know how to merge properly. Proceed with caution. Learn to shake your fist with gusto.

and I never ever ever do a thing about the weather, for the weather never ever does a thing for me

So I may be going to Super Bowl....... Not sure yet, I have been offered my uncle's ($5,000.00) ticket and I kind of like the Broncos (duh, because they're from Denver), but I will have to spend the day with my delinquent cousin. (He's nice, he's just..... I think "rowdy" would be the kindest way of putting it...) I shall have to contemplate this further. Y'all may remember how I feel about the Giants and their stadium. Plus it's going to be really fecking cold, and I don't actually enjoy watching football.

Also Super Bowl kind of clashes with the church chili cook-off (my social life is thrilling, as you can probably tell). I have been focusing on making the best chili ever so I can beat Stepmom's chili. So far, two butchers in two different supermarkets think I'm out of my mind because I brought in venison steaks for them to grind up for deer-chili (it could be delicious? we'll find out....). They already thought I was a bit strange because I make them grind sirloin steaks when I need ground beef. I refuse to buy supermarket ground beef; I like to know exactly what goes into the ground meat, thanks.

. . .

You know what really effing sucks? Perioral dermatitis. You know what else really sucks? The fact that there isn't really anything they can do for it. Doc told me to cease and desist all face creams, makeup, soaps, etc.

I can't stop wearing makeup. In order to remain employed, I need to NOT look like a leper, which I means I need makeup to cover the hideous fucking rash on my face. Which means I need to wash my face in the evening, which means my skin gets super dry and flaky and itchy, which means I also need to use mf face cream.

>:O

There are hideous red patches around my mouth and nose, on my chin, and now a lovely patch of it right under one of my eyes. And the most effective treatment is to do nothing.

Before anyone else says it first, I DO in fact see the irony in this diagnosis. I guess this is how God punishes those who refuse to go to the doctor.