Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!

Let’s talk about Walmart.

 There are two Walmarts within driving distance of my house—the regular one in the Airmont/Monsey area on Route 59 and the Supercenter in Harriman. I never think to go to Walmart whenever I need something and recently someone accused me of being pompous, and cited this as one of the pieces of evidence that proves their theory.

 NO, arsehole.

I mean yes, I may be a pompous windbag, but that is not why I never think of going to Walmart. It has more to do with PTSD.

 My BFF M (I've mentioned his madness before) LOOOOVES Walmart. He physically cannot drive past a Walmart without stopping to go for a nice 3-6 hour browse. One time—and I sh*t you not—a couple of us were on one of our weekend adventures and M goes, “I smell a Walmart!”

 30 seconds later, we drive up and over a small hill

and there’s a fecking Walmart.

M had never been to that part of NJ before. Had never been anywhere near it.

 It was worse back when our group was larger and included M’s older sister, Ash-hole.

(Ash-hole and I have been arch-nemeses since like 2008, but that is a long and melodramatic and obnoxious story for another time…)

 Ash-hole loves Walmart, too. So if you were unfortunate enough to be in the car with both M and Ash-hole and they passed a Walmart, your entire day and/or night and/or weekend would be RUINED, because all the things that made a Walmart trip with M so horrific would be doubled in both duration and severity.

 M does the exact same thing every time he goes to Walmart:

 1. Walmart spotted!

 Sometimes he tries to pass this off as an accident.

 He MUST stop and go in.

 2. M will then try to convince you he needs something specific, like moisturizer.

 And then just one more thing, like some 50-thread count sandpaper they’re trying to call bedding.

 Oh and maybe some throw pillows.

 This leads directly to step 3:

 3. The acquisition of a shopping cart.

It’s all downhill from here.

 4. Cosmetics.

 M will spend 20-30 minutes browsing through the cosmetics and toiletries, sampling lotions and smelling every single bottle of shampoo that they have.

 5. Diet pills.

 Because they’re so much cheaper here! But we must make sure we read the entire label of every single one they sell before M eventually chooses the same one he always buys.

 (Total time in Walmart so far: 60 – 80 minutes)

6. Cheap electronics.

 M will spend 30 – 40 minutes comparing the prices of all the DVD players, televisions, and computers. You will browse through the cheap DVD’s until you need your own section in M’s shopping cart.

 7. The craft section.

 M will have a quick browse through the fake flowers and arts & craft kits and whatnot, at which point you will inevitably arrange the big wooden letters into filthy words.

8. The gardening section and plants.

 Kiss your Saturday night goodbye.

(Total time in Walmart so far: 120 - 200 minutes)

 9. The cart is now full and M decides he doesn’t want anything in it, so now you must stealthily move about the store emptying the cart, eventually leaving it in one of the clothing sections.

 10. a. M will now purchase one item and spend less than $2. You will spend at least $50 on all the shite you’ve acquired over the last 4 hours, mostly DVD’s.

 -or-

 10. b. M will not purchase anything and you will have a nervous breakdown.

…I have gotten my revenge, though, because I do the exact same thing to him in the Christmas Tree Shop.

feck it all

I'm not going to start this with my usual apology about neglecting everyone's blogs because I have limited internet access and limited battery on my laptop.

::beginangryrant::

I vaguely remember them saying on the news last week that the East Coast was *totally prepared* for Hurricane Thor ("Sandy" is the weakest name I've ever heard and the people naming these things should be punched in the face). 

Let's talk about that for a sec.

That tree was dangling over my street until around 10.00 this morning. There was another one farther down the street. I live in a cul-de-sac with limited access to main roads. The only other way out has been completely blocked with more downed trees and power lines than anyone can count, and so far I have not seen ONE SINGLE tree removal truck, or one PSE&G crew anywhere near my neighborhood. 

In fact, I have not seen a single PSE&G crew anywhere in my town, or in the surrounding towns. None. At all. It's been five days. 

PSE&G CAN LICK MY ASS. 

Their website currently says they're not even focusing on restoring power to my town at all this weekend. 

My aunts and cousins said the tv programs over in England and Ireland have become relentless in their ridicule of the supposed *superpower* that is the United States, where we have somehow managed to restore power to Atlantic City (half of which isn't even there anymore), and yet something like 75% of Bergen County remains powerless. 

And petrol-less as well. 

I had no petrol until last night, when a friend siphoned half the petrol from his car into mine. It was that or wait up to four hours at a gas station, because most of the stations around here are either closed or completely out of petrol. The lines are MILES long. They started rationing it at most of the petrol stations, and as of today, they have initiated some kind of program where on odd dates you can only get petrol if the last number on your license plate is odd (I can get petrol today because mine ends in 5 and today is November 3rd; but I'm not because you can only get $20 worth of petrol, which is less fuel than I would use up waiting in line). 

My house is f**king freezing. 

FREEZING. 

We had a load of firewood, but I used it all up yesterday. This morning, I snuck next door and relieved my neighbours of all the firewood that was stacked up on their porch. (There wasn't much, and they've been dead for like a year, so I don't think they'll miss it.) Later, my friend is letting me take some of his firewood because he's got enough in his back yard to burn down a small city. 

On top of it all, I AM GETTING FAT. 

Like for reals, sweatpants are all that fits me right now. 

I haven't been to the gym in like 2+ weeks because of the combined forces of the Maine holiday, power outage, not having enough petrol to waste on the gym, being bored at home with no power and thus eating everything in the house, and eating out every day because we can't cook anything at home, and getting sick (oh yeah I think I'm actually legitimately sick, like in need of a doctor and a prescription [and y'all know I never admit that unless it's serious] but I'm not going because right now I don't care if I drop dead of pneumonia, and if I need to be hospitalized then I might lose all the weight I've put on). 

Excuse me while I have a coughing fit...

...........

...Alright I'm back. I have to sneak outside for coughing fits so Mum won't hear me because at this point I sound like a consumptive. 

If I have the consumption I'll probably never know about it because for some reason whenever they do that stupid test where they inject the bubble into your arm I ALWAYS test positive, which is a pain in the arse because it has led to numerous bouts of blood tests and chest x-rays etc etc etc over the years just so the docs can be absolutely sure I'm not a walking plague. 

Ugh.

Oh and Tuesday? If I don't have power I AM NOT VOTING. They can both go feck themselves as far as I'm concerned. 

I hope the rest of you on the eastern seaboard are faring better than I am.