quickie

I just wanted to say a huge thank you, and hugs and kisses to everyone who left such nice comments on that last post. 


Not long after I posted it, and was on my way out to dinner with Mum, I was seized with panic about posting those photos--like OH MY GOD, what have I done!?!? And of course I wasn't home at the comp, so I couldn't rush back to my desk and delete the post.  But y'all made me feel loads better. <3 Of course, I still feel fat, but that's par for the course at this stage...


Been super busy the last couple days, what with family things, bird watching adventures, work, and writing workshop, and not sleeping so I can stay up and watch documentaries about the space program (me=tard) so I can have epic space-themed nightmares; but I will hopefully get to all your blogs tonight. 

Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.

Thanks, Kitty. Just roll all over my wet laundry. 

My Halloween costume came in the post today...

And from the back:

YES, I know it's only April, but good costumes take lots of planning ahead of time. I still have to make some alterations, and get a bigger pannier for maximum hippage.

Plus friend and I are taking the dress on a spring photo shoot, because it will look nice among flowers and historic buildings. 

Saw a friend of Mum's today--a lady I haven't seen in a long time. She takes one look at me and goes, "OH MY GOD, you're skin and bone!!" 

I had to stop for a sec and check that there was no one behind me, because obviously she can't have meant ME. 

Apparently she did mean me. 

I then had to take a moment to compose myself, because when I say what I'm thinking in these situations ("Are you kidding? I'm  WHALE.") people look at me funny. 


I wish I could see what she saw. Just once.


Kazehana did a post about this not too long ago--about how your eyes tell you something completely different than your other senses, when it comes to your body. I can feel my ribs sometimes, and my hip bones; but I look in the mirror, and usually I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Because obviously I'm fat. My hands that feel for bones, and the people who tell me I'm skinny are lying. They have to be. Because if I was skinny, I would SEE that I'm skinny, right? 


IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY BLOODY SENSE. And I think I'm a fairly rational sort of person in general. 
...Most of the time. 


But this just blows my mind. How can I not see what's actually there? I'm not on drugs. I'm not having an acid flashback. I'm staring in the mirror at myself nude and seeing a fat person. So it has to be real.


I debated doing this for some time, but I think I'm just going to post the photos. I may take them down later, when I look back on this entry in abject horror at the barely-censored photos of my hugeness. 


I took these photos today, to see if maybe I'd be able to see myself properly in a photo--I thought maybe looking at myself in some way other than through a mirror, I might see what other people see.

But no. I'm still huge. My Problem Spots may as well have spotlights on them.

Too much fat. Some days I can't handle it. 


I'm like halfway through the epic illustration of Kazehana's dream! Be excited. 


xoxo