Master Cleanse Day 1; and Waxing Philosophical

And no, I don't mean getting my legs waxed by a Platonian beauty expert.

The Master Cleanse has been going for all of 1 hour. I also cheated and had a tiny bowl of cereal when I got up. Consider it "easing in" to the lemonade diet. I made my first batch of lemon-maple syrup-cayenne pepper drink. I'm not gonna lie - it's pretty delicious. I may be making use of this flavor combo for some holiday desserts once Thanksgiving comes a bit closer. Perhaps a lemon-maple cake with a hint of cayenne in the icing? My family shall bask in the glory of my mad skills.

So once again, I have been witness to a glaring example of complete ignorance regarding anorexia and bulimia. Even though it irks me, I can forgive this kind of ignorance on the part of the general public. After all, there's a big difference between IGNORANT and STUPID. Ignorance cannot be helped.

People who have never had to deal with an eating disorder themselves, or via a close friend or relative simply don't get it. They see this as a diet, as us girls just being stupid. They think we're doing this just to get skinny, and then we'll stop. They say things like, "I don't get why she starves like that - It's not like she looks good that skinny. She looks nasty; why doesn't she just eat?!?"

We can't just stop because this is a DISORDER, not a diet. It's a mental illness. I know I talk about it on this blog like it's not a huge deal. I write of the various ups and downs of anorexia with dry wit and sarcastic dark humor, but it really isn't a laughing matter. In the end, it's going to kill me. (Violet seems like she's on the same page - she wrote a great blog entry on this the other day.)

And the whole "just eat something" response to our illness really bugs me. I know anorexia and bulimia are difficult concepts to really wrap your brain around if you've never experienced it up close and personal, but seriously: don't you think if we actually could stop and "just eat" like everyone else, we would do it?? I wish I could eat like a normal person. I wish I didn't feel like slitting my throat with a butcher knife every time I binged. I wish that eating candy didn't make me cry out in despair, huddled into a fetal position on my bedroom floor. I wish I could eat a hamburger and fries without climbing the walls in bloody anxiety for days afterward.

I don't actually remember what it's like to eat like a normal person. I don't remember what it's like to just eat when I'm hungry, stop eating when I'm full, and to feel content with a full tummy. I wish to God I could wake up one day and just be normal again. If an ice-pick lobotomy would make me go back to the way I was before all of this started, believe me I'd be the first in line.

Would you tell a heroin addict to "just stop doing heroin?" No. Because you know the addict is physically and mentally addicted, and he will have to go through serious withdrawal when he stops, and he will think about doing heroin every day for the rest of his life, even when he's clean. It's the same for an eating disorder. This is not a diet. It's not a fad. And for many of us, it is no longer a conscious decision.

Stay beautiful, my lovelies. :-* You are all the beautiful princesses of your own fairytales - don't ever forget that. xoxo

Sunday Morning Coming Down...

Thank you WannaBSkinny, Lauren, Emry, Shanstaa, Dorian, Fat Bastard, Lilah, Tracy, Olivia, and Bonesarepure for the lovely comments!

I would love to try the tapeworm diet, but unfortunately my epic fear of worms might be problematic. I don't want any kind of worms coming within 100 meters of my person, never mind having one taking up residence in my digestive system... ::shudders::

If McDonald's has My Little Ponies in their happy meals, I may have to abduct a child and take it there, and get the child a happy meal before I return it to its frantic parents. The poor child shall be scarred for life--kidnapped, force fed McDonald's, and then it can't even keep the happy meal toy. That's so evil! :D

Those new McD's smoothies actually look pretty tasty, and the wild berry one has 210 cals for a small.
Kind of a lot for a drink, but it's still fruit, right? And everyone knows I don't eat enough fruit because I hate it. How I've managed to live this long and not get scurvy is beyond me...

The Master Cleanse has been pushed back yet again. I've got my supplies ready--additive-free lemonade, 100% pure maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and non-iodized sea salt for flushing. The older sis and neice are coming over today for dinner, so I am expected to eat with the rest of the family. I shall kick off the MC tomorrow morning, and start with a salt water flush.

So I met a BOY on Friday, and then hung out with him again last night (Saturday) at the pub. He's kinda cute (I was sober on Friday when I met him, so I know it wasn't the drink making him attractive). He seems fairly intelligent and mildly amusing. We went to the same high school, I found out, but he was 2 years older. Apparently he remembers me. I found that somewhat of a dubious comment, as in high school I weighed 35 pounds more than I do now, was probably an inch or two shorter, had hair ranging from mouse brown to Jessica Rabbit red (depending on my mood), and wore lots of black eyeliner, mini skirts, and fishnets.

Me at 15:

I wonder if I should warn him in advance that I'm not so good with "relationships." I tend to play with boys until I get bored, and then I simply vanish from their lives forever. No warning. No "I wanna break up." Just a total cease in communication. Cruel? Perhaps. Cold hearted? Most definitely. But that's just how I roll. It makes me more interesting.

And we all know I'm pretty darn interesting.