Monday, April 8, 2019

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.


I'm calling major bullsh*t on that notion. 

Next Sunday will mark eleven years since the love of my life committed suicide. Every year, I think maybe I can get through this without a total meltdown, but I'm already starting to unravel. I guess there is no expiration date for grief. 

I started dating someone about a month ago. I guess it's official now, as we spend pretty much every weekend together and he usually stays over one or two nights during the week.

But it has occurred to me--as it has with literally every romantic relationship I have ever attempted to maintain after Brad--that I'm not sure how much I really like this guy. 

Would I feel upset if I found out that he was seeing other women when he isn't with me? I don't think so. Would I feel guilty if I ended up cheating on him? I don't think so. 

This is why all of my romantic relationships over the last eleven years have fizzled out within less than a few weeks. Because I just don't care. I used to try very hard to care, but I gave up on that a long time ago. 

I actually thought I cared about this one in the beginning, but the more time goes by, the more I think it would be better if maybe I just cut him loose now before it's too late. Which makes me wonder, can I ever love anyone again? Do I keep trying to make relationships work just to avoid being alone forever?

And when my emotional meltdown reaches its peak next weekend, do I tell the new guy why? Do I tell him that if Brad had never died, there is a 99% chance the two of us would probably be married, maybe even with children by now? 

I try not to think of that alternate reality because no good will ever come of dwelling on such things. Brad is dead, and he is not coming back. Even typing that sentence makes it feel like my heart is being shredded to pieces with a blunt serrated knife. 

Turning my life into a shrine for my dead soulmate will never lead to anything good. The major depression I have suffered over the last decade just makes me want to pack it in and join him. I know I should probably talk to a professional about this, but at the moment, I can't talk about it without dissolving into a sobbing soggy mess. 

As far as telling the new boy about any of this, I have no idea what to do. But maybe it would be better to wait until after the anniversary of Brad's death has passed before I decide to end this relationship. 

I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the depressing post, but I needed to tell someone. 




11 comments:

  1. If you are still going through it this badly, then perhaps it would be for the best to let the person know. Even if it's, "There's something about my past I can't talk about that makes it way to hard to have more than a casual relationship." Then go work on You. Not about being someone who can have a relationship, but build/rebuild you first. If you are wrecked, no relationship will work.

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  2. I believe there is no end game on grief. It is not something I've had to deal with, but I have friends that have. And if you have no feelings for this guy, I agree with CW that you should work on you ~ but keep in mind that your friends are there for you ~ I'm here for you, even though I only know you through the blogosphere...... Professional help is something you should do. Don't make assumptions.

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  3. I think just posting this has helped you. It has also assisted me, as I am severely lonely and did have a girlfriend die of breast cancer.

    The 'what if's end up causing more trouble than they are worth. I have learned to think of all of the 'what if' scenarios as actual alternative universes where she and I are still together.

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  4. I am so sorry you’re hurting like this. It sounds like you might be sabotaging your relationships to keep from hurting like this again. I hope you can find a path to healing.

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  5. A note about soulmates: our souls travel many paths, and we encounter many different people. Our souls have groups, rather than just one perfect mate.

    I'm so sorry you're in such pain. Losing someone like that... What you're feeling is perfectly understandable. I hope you're speaking to someone. The other commenters have some great suggestions.

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  6. I have lost two friends from uni to suicide. Their absence is a puncture wound that never really heals. I hope you are able to get through this anniversary as intact as you possibly can. Perhaps the new guy could be a rock of sorts for you. I suppose you could give it a shot and tell him what's going on for you, if you're feeling up to it. xx

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  7. You can post depressing stuff if you need to do so because life isn't all sunshine and roses and sometimes horrible things happen, I cannot imagine the pain of losing a loved one to suicide

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  8. I'm glad you told us, but I'm sorry it ever happened. I'm so fortunate because I don't miss my husband. I miss another person so much--someone I truly love.

    Love,
    Janie

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  9. If you’re not ready to talk about it yet, that’s okay. Do you think journaling would help? I know it’s a different situation, but journaling has helped me a bit trying to work through the grief about Billy, and life in general. But you’re right - grief doesn’t have an expiration date.

    I’m not sure if this’ll make sense, but it sounds like maybe you’re scared to get close to them, so there’s no risk of going through the pain and grief a second time?

    xx

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  10. Geez! Great minds think alike. It's been 15 years for me and I've been in "time out" the whole time. I guess I got to the point of feeling as if it's better to be alone than being with the wrong person. Do I get lonely? Of course! I have moments where I ache all over from being lonely and then it stops. My life goes on and I'm thankful I have total control over my remote control. :-)

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  11. You're right. There is no expiration date for grief. Eleven years, twenty years.... it doesn't make a difference.

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