IT'S AALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVEE!!!!!!

Hey y'aaallllll. It's been a while.

Most of this is going to be me rambling diary-like about the last few months because I really just need to write it down. Feel free to skip that part. 

BUT FIRST

For all of the lads reading this, I have some bUrNiNg questions. 

This is not me trying to question your manhood or anything, it's just genuine curiosity. I know I will never be able to afford to go back to school, but that doesn't mean I can't read and study on my own. Since devouring every last scrap of information I could find on behavioural psychology, I've gotten pretty good at observing and analysing people's behaviour.

Which was when I noticed some behaviour patterns that seemed exclusive to men. I find these behaviours incredibly odd, but I am not a man. I can't see the reason behind it, so I MUST HAVE ANSWERS. 

Four specific behaviours have left me baffled:

1. Backing into parking spaces. Family, friends, acquaintances, neighbours--all y'all dudes are CONSTANTLY making 50 point turns to back into parking spaces. WHY?!? Is it so you can pull forward out of the parking space? It takes like two seconds to back out of a parking space. What in bloody blazes are you doing?!? EXPLAIN.


2. Standing next to the car in states where you can't pump your own gas. I live right by the border of New Jersey, so I frequently have to stop for petrol in New Jersey. Idk how many other states do this, but in NJ a gas station attendant pumps your petrol for you. Like you're not allowed to do it yourself. 

But for some reason, soooooooooo many MEN get out of their cars and stand beside it while the car fills up. 

WHY. Is it, like, not manly enough if you don't actively participate in pumping your own petrol? Is it a control thing because someone else is doing something to your car?? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.


3. Leaving your bloody bollocky pickup truck running while you go pick up your take out food. And leaving it running for like 50 years because you're chatting with the other regulars. This is particularly annoying in the spring and autumn when I like to have my windows open, only to end up getting a living room full of diesel exhaust and a constant dvnfbfbnmgdfbhghgbhmgfbgbmgbhmfgbhmfgmfbfmjmnRUMBLERUMBLERUMBLE outside. 

Why can't you just shut the car off? Do you want your grandkids to die because you don't feel like giving 2 sh*ts about the environment? EXPLAIN PLS.


4. Spitting. Ive known some women who do this as well, but it's definitely more common in men--constant hacking and spitting IN PUBLIC. (One of the breeders downstairs for example, hocks up some nastiness and spits it out LIKE EVER FOUR SECONDS. RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW. EVERY MORNING.) Like seriously, don't any of y'all know it's impolite to spit IN FRONT OF A LADY?? It's also super duper disgusting and it makes me nauseous.  Please stop, for the love of Cthulhu, PLEASE STOP.




Your responses will be much appreciated. 

*     *     *

So yeah it's been a while. Things aren't really any better. My New Year's Resolution is to do everything possible to sabotage and eventually destroy my physical health. I went on the Pill and then deliberately increased my cigarette intake. I don't really eat. Most weekends, I just sleep. I probably drink too much.

Lil Bro#2 moved to Brooklyn a while back. I felt horrible for hoping he hated it so he would come back.

He loves it. I don't think he's coming back.

M. finally got out of the toxic household that wasted like 8 years of his life and almost led him to a total breakdown

and moved to Florida. To stay with his father for a while.

I AM SO HAPPY about this--M. needed to get away; I was so so afraid for him the last few months he was here--but it's also a knife to the gut every time I realize he's not here anymore. I've also been trying to help his mother out with her legal issues. Basically, once she was forced out of her house (foreclosure), she was entitled to an increase in alimony from her douchebag pedophile ex-husband so she could pay rent. 

Even though this was written into a LEGALLY BINDING AGREEMENT, he refuses to start the alimony increase until he gets a court order. So I filed a motion to get the increase, and naturally--because let's be honest when it comes to me I will get the shortest and shittiest end of the stick every time, no matter what the situation--our motion got assigned to the most incompetent POS judge in the whole state of New Jersey. Like this judge sucks so bad that she got fired from the Civil Division

...and for some reason was deemed competent enough for the family division. Go figure.

They've been giving me the run around for a month--not returning my calls, straight up lying to me, and now--for the second time--have postponed the motion. So M.'s mother is basically living in poverty and losing a different utility a week because she can't pay her bills. 

In other news....

My meds have been more or less tripled since I last posted. Increases in everything--the antidepressants, the mood stabilizers, sedatives, et. cetera. I have never taken the mood stabilizers, so I now have about 9,000 mg of quetiapine stashed away. I don't think I'll ever actually do it, but I take comfort in knowing I have the option. 

Also I now have an iron-clad 20-page living will that basically forbids any EMT's from performing any and all lifesaving nonsense if they arrive and find me unresponsive/dead, and forbids anyone at the hospital from attempting to resuscitate me. It's handy working for estate lawyers sometimes.

It's not that I really want to kill myself, I just want to die. I'm done. So completely and totally done with life. I don't even bother praying anymore. Pretty sure I've just been talking to myself the whole time anyway. 

My entire left hand has gone numb/pins and needlesy, progressively getting worse over the last two weeks (started with just the index finger). I'm hoping it's a clot or a stroke, but no way in hell am I that lucky. Probably just carpal tunnel or something. 


If you made it this far, I'm sorry if I made you depressed or unhappy in any way. Go make yourself a nice cup of tea (or a stiff drink) and pretend you never read any of this.