Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Seven Types of Clients in Every Law Firm

For all of you who work with the general public: ever notice that you meet the same handful of personalities over and over and over again?

At work, we only have seven different types of clients:

The Continuously Whining Manbaby

There are certain types of people you can only listen to for so long before you explode.

The Whining Manbaby is one of them. I have seen so many of these guys come through the office over the years it makes me nauseous. They're all the same--they have plenty of money, but they refuse to pay us and/or the people they owe money to (like their Destitute Ex-Wives and children, but I'll get to that), they are rude, selfish, lazy, entitled pieces of sh*t and it's enough to drive me up the freaking wall.

Someone else who needs to just shut the f*ck up?

The Raging Harpy

What's that phrase? Hell hath no fury like the woman who seriously needs to just let it go and move on?

We have two clients at the moment who owe us tens of thousands of dollars because they won't let it go. Divorces that should have ended over a year ago are being litigated to death because they can't let it go. I get it, I really do--their husbands are lying, cheating, Whining Manbabies who probably deserve it, but there comes a point in life where you cut your losses and move on instead dragging both you and your innocent children through the mud.

The Destitute Single Mother with the Deadbeat Ex-Husband

These are the non-Raging Harpy women who were once married to Whining Manbabies. They have to work three jobs to support their children because their husbands would rather go around setting up franchises with new younger women than pay child support. We do a lot of free legal work for these women and ignore their mounting bills because we know they cannot afford to pay us what they actually owe.

The Nice Guy Who Couldn't Make a Wise Decision Even if Held at Gunpoint

Guys, I really don't understand how you can't spot the psychos. I can spot these women before they even speak.

The nice guys who come into our office all have one thing in common--absolutely horrific taste in women. Women who are actively destroying their lives for no other than they are batsh*t crazy. These guys are actually decent dads who want to take care of their children, and half the time their Raging Harpy soon-to-be-ex is using the children against them, or not letting them see their children at all.

And what do these guys do when the divorce is finally over and done? They go marry another psychopath.

People Who Must Have Broken a Lot of Mirrors

We have a bunch of clients who just can't stop having bad accidents. (And they end up completely broke because health insurance companies are awful.) Car accidents, slipping and falling in supermarkets, falling down stairs, getting bitten by dogs, getting assaulted by random crazy people in public places--I don't know how they do it, but they make us quite a bit of money, so I shan't complain.

Normal People (a.k.a., Criminals)

Drug dealers, gang members, hitmen, the Russian mafia--know what they all have in common? They're extremely pleasant. The are polite, they do not complain about their bills or the job we are doing (even when they have to go to jail), they are not psychos, they are not whiners; they are just nice to be around. I wish we dealt exclusively with criminal cases, but alas there is not much serious crime in Bergen County, and frequenting the Passaic and Essex County courts has the tendency to shorten one's life span.

General Morons

You know what's not a good idea? Driving past a cop going 60 miles per hour in a 25 MPH zone while on your cell phone, with ten bags of heroin on your passenger seat.

Pretending to be a realtor so you can break into people's houses and steal their identity.

CONSTANTLY driving around in a town where every single cop knows you and your car when your license is suspended.

Taking way too much angel dust and then peeing in your neighbour's garden, in full view of said neighbour.

I could go on, but you get the idea.


  1. I may have to think on whether I kind find a "7 kinds" at my job. This was too funny!

  2. I need to think of the "7 Kinds" at a library. Actually, the library doesn't sound too different than where you work! Thanks for chuckle, Mich.

  3. I think this would be a great piece to publish. Surely a lot of people could relate?


  4. I actually think you SHOULD go on, because all of these are hilarious and interesting, but I really feel like the General Morons could be their own post.

  5. Too funny. I was just thinking about the other side of the spectrum, co-worker types, when hired on at the place where I now work. There's the 'do nothing', the 'dunno how to do something', the 'over it', the 'butt-kisser', the 'just do enough to skate by', and, well, me. I think I'm a combo of some of the above.

  6. I was married to a Whining Man Baby. I didn't know that was his name. Thanks!


  7. I don't work in law but I do work with the public at the charity store. My least favourite type of customer is the one that complains about the prices and feel that all the money just goes to the higher ups. We're a charity shop, but we don't offer things for free. Even so we offer things at generally a third of the RRP and only sell good quality things. If you want something for free then you need to be on the other end of the charity; the people we give things to.

    1. For some reason, blogger won't let me post unless I reply...sorry Mark.

      Mich, I so want to work where you do! Loving this post!

  8. Oh my word, I need to do a seven types of patients post.

    The ball is rolling with a lawyer. Thank you for helping me muster up the courage.

  9. Very enlightening, but i think you are pretty much on point, esp when it comes to men. I have the feeling that you could write interesting stories from each of these cases. I think law firms and health related places are the best for blog fodder and general gossip. :)

  10. Definately come across the "moron" type......

    Know a dude just ONE WEEK out of the local correctional facility decides to chase the garbage collector with a baseball bat.....for making too much noise...... went straight back in front of the judge. He'd probably recognise himself here in this anecdote but I'm not worried. He can't read that well.

    I don't work in the legal field, but i have dealings with "types"regularly in my job.

  11. I am in the legal field myself and these had me chuckling! Oh how dead on your are!

  12. LMFAO. Yeppppppp. I have met all these people. Primarily I practiced divorce so I got the worst of the worst (as you know). I loved the criminal clients! Except for when my divorce clients got criminal charges - omg, they were even WORSE to deal with it.
    I've been on a work sabbatical since 2014, and I don't miss it one bit.


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.