Thursday, July 11, 2013

you and me and the devil makes three

I always try to assign supernatural explanations to my Bad Nights. Thankfully, they occur with less frequency than they used to (possibly because I eat somewhat normally now and no longer abuse drugs {that aren't prescribed to me} and am also miraculously no longer suicidal). But every once in a while, I still get a Bad Night.

Bad Nights mean I cannot sleep, even with sleeping pills. My usual dose is 200 mg of diphenhydramine. If that doesn't work, I'll add up to 150 mg of doxylamine, and/or a shot of Everclear in my fizzy water and orange juice. I try to get by on just the diphenhydramine, but I kind of need sleep so I do need to add alcohol or more sleeping pills about 4 out of 7 days a week.

Sometimes, though, I still can't sleep. I toss and turn and toss and turn and flail and rearrange the bed and go to the loo and toss and turn some more and go have a cigarette and flail around the bed and rearrange the sheets again and go to the loo and go walk around the house and toss and turn and then when 5 AM rolls around and the mockingbird starts up his R2D2 routine I usually just say feck it and call it a night, and go read until I have to actually get up for work. Those are the regular Bad Nights.

Because I do not drink enough water during the day (I've tried, I can't, leave me alone), I tend to get a powerful thirst at night and guzzle like a gallon of water before I go to bed. For this reason, I get up to go to the bathroom like 3 - 6 times a night. I always wake up around 4.00 AM and for whatever reason, it is that particular trip to the loo that sometimes ends in the other kind of Bad Night.

It happened this morning. I went back to bed, and I could not go back to sleep.

I blame the weather for some of this. Hell cannot be much hotter than New Jersey has been the last few weeks.
there isn't much else to do but sit here and puddle
 Like seriously, it's been in the 90s F (~30-35 C) and so humid you feel like you're swimming instead of walking. I HATE THIS WEATHER WITH EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING, and of course my room is the hottest room in the house so even sleeping nude with no sheets or blankets and three fans pointing right at me, it's still too bloody hot.

So I went back to bed at 4.00 this morning and ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT go back to sleep. I can't take sleeping pills or alcohol at 4.00 AM because I need to get up for work at 7.30. All I can do is will my brain to please shut down for a few more hours.

Usually it doesn't. At least, not right away.

Then an hour and a half later, my brain decides it's time to try and drive Mich to total insanity.

I know it's coming, too, which makes it ten times worse. A feeling of Epic Tired comes on suddenly, and then the heart palpitations start. It's the weirdest feeling ever, like my heart sort of flutters for a sec, stops for what feels like a little too long, and then races for a couple seconds and then pretends to go back to normal before starting the whole flutter-stop-racing cycle over again. But by the time I'm like oh f*ck not again, I'm so tired I physically cannot stay awake.

Then the nightmares begin.

Always the same nightmare (or various versions of it)--they take place in my bedroom and I think I'm awake, something horrible and terrifying is happening (axe murderers, demons, random weird things that wouldn't be scary in real life but are scary now because it's a nightmare), and I am completely paralyzed.

I wake myself up when my attempts at moving my dream-paralyzed body end in me flailing like a lunatic and falling out of bed. (I usually try to scream or cry out in these dreams as well, but there have only been two accounts of me waking up actually screaming.)

After the first nightmare, it's a constant repeat of the same exact try to stay awake-->nightmare-->flailing-->wakeup-->do it again until I have to get up for work. At which point I am so exhausted and emotionally shaken that I have trouble functioning the whole day.

My doctor wants me to go to some fancy sleep clinic where they will attempt to INDUCE THIS ON PURPOSE so I can be studied. I was like ummmm no thanks.

(Plus my insurance won't cover that.)

So I always presume this is the result of a demon actually trying to possess me, or a poltergeist, or something. I hang dream catchers. I spread blends of herbs and junk for psychic protection. I obsessively clean in and around the bed in search of something that might be causing negative energy.

As if I'll actually find the source of these night terrors.

Does anyone else get these?? Someone please tell me I'm not alone. other news (and as a follow up to the post before the last one) I think I have finally shaken off the epic depression. I have gotten my finances in order and once I come back from CO in mid-August, I plan to move out of my house into my own apartment. (There was a rather large fight with Mumsy over something retarded, which was the final straw as far as me continuing to live with her.) For the first time in over a year, I go to bed at night NOT praying to die in my sleep. It is an amazing feeling. 


  1. Despite the crazy nightmares and the lack of sleep it's good to hear your depression is coming under check and you'll be getting your own place. The heat is getting unbearable here and I'm getting pretty sleep deprived myself. Unfortunately I only have one fan and can not sleep nude.

    I imagine those facts aren't helping.

  2. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this Mich, it's not fair and I really hope that you get it sorted soon. I think it's correct to say that things are improving right Mich? Just not at a good enough speed. I also wouldn't want to spend loads of money on a sleep clinic but it is a strange one, especially since meds don't work. Get well soon Mich.

  3. Weird.

    My cousin has a similar problem. She went thru the battery of tests and cat scans and everything. They put her on all these different meds, but she kept getting the night terrors. (thats what doc said they were). Got like 10 different diagnoses. In the end she said fuck it and just deals with it.

    That is so not helpful. But you're not alone!

  4. You betcher ass it's frikkin' hot. Over here in Bucks County, we've had the the same forecast: Humid, Hot, Horrendous. I'd sleep naked, but then Mrs. Penwasser would suffer from night terrors.
    Plus, we're only an hour from Philly.
    'Course, you've got Camden, so it's kind of a wash.

  5. 'Scuse me, Imma do a bit of a happy-dance to celebrate the increase in good nights and decrease in suicidality. Hula-hoops and broken windows may or may not be involved.

    Ugh I'm up to sedating myself 3 nights out of 7 on doctor orders :/

    You wanna come crash at mine for a few weeks? We left the washing on the line last night and it was frozen solid this morning. There was frost still on the footpath of McClaggan st at 3pm 0.0;

    Fuck. Done ONE summer like that and NEVER AGAIN. We barely make it into the low areas of 30*c in summer. I am NOT a tropical beastie.

    Sounds like an evil combo of anxiety attack and sleep paralysis. Just HELL FUCKING NO. I hate your brain on your behalf. Can we start raising money so you can afford sleep clinic so they can work out what the fuck is doing it so you can make it stop?

    I hope Teh Sadz are really leaving you. I'm skating on Denial, it's fun when it freezes over!

    Oh yeah, thanks to YOU I'm nibbling the edges of the Supernatural Fandom. My feels are already beign utterly trashed by Doctor Who, so what's one more show that will punch me in the face repeatedly? o.O

    Take care of yourself as much as you can. Sending good-sleep thoughts <3

  6. I'm so glad you're feeling better, and that you are taking steps toward a future you will be happier with. Also, speaking from pure selfishness, Blogger just isn't the same when we're all losing our shit at the same time.

  7. *Add speculation that your 4 am issue is related to "weather balloons" passing through the NJ skies.

  8. You're totally not alone. Tho my own terrors tend to be more directly related with something I saw or thought of earlier. So I avoid scary stuff like the plague. No scary movies. Even Law & Order related stuff can make me stabby. No researching medieval torture methods (egads!)
    Frozen in place? Check. Wake up trying to scream but can't? Check.
    Time to go watch Zelda cartoons and Superwoman youtubes.

    Glad you are kicking depression's ass :) we all want our Mich to stay around <3 <3 <3
    Sorry for your disappointment about no me in my test vid. I'm nervous about putting my face out on the general interwebs. But others have posted some not-so-flattering pics of me on facebook. *hides*


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