Lend me ten pounds, I'll buy you a drink.

A real post!! Sort of.... 
As always, I feel like a bad blogger. I just don't have as much time for it as I'd like what with work and writing and TV and making sure Lil Sis never has too much fun partying at Rutgers. 

Since I got rid of the security thingy for the comments (I had to; those things make me feel like I've lost my mind),

I've been getting a lot of spam comments. Blogger catches all of them, because apparently the spammers are all morons and never take the time to even try to learn English and/or not sound like a robot. Usually it's something like this:

"It's the best time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you few interesting things or suggestions. Maybe you could write next articles referring to this article. I desire to read even more things about it! Stop by my web site; engineering internship" 

and then a link to some website

Today brought my favourite one ever:

"forum warned of 'C breathe' Google hit with a prediction intent stay at this horizontal or possibly hiding place farther and get slaveless skin You'll always create by mental act halt on top of that, a large status Your 60s: A place beachlike 3 Shares the FTSE Should mystify 24-hour interval BP Lifts bonus by 12.5% My list Edit RSS feeds supercharged by Image: Hera are 5 hurried course to the publisher Costliest U.S. Catastrophes tip germane disasters can hit with teeny dissuasive. Here are the top of the creation knows they should be added to Wed if benefactor Ben introduces QE 3 we are expiration higher now which instrumentation you can yield to shut away off for unrestrained to see what happens!.They individual visited our management is crossways the administrative division, and millions bear been ineffectual to depute their trust ins report can rack on the grip. No search hard has oversubscribed the game and may be tacked with the IOC of the key results would fuck doubled in regard when the develop could end up in any securities mentioned above: MA change out how to guess a compile's prox presentation.

There is elfin other to business deal and benefit from your investing in open universities in Asian nation eruditeness programme manikin 275 KB (PDF) Association of Southeast Asian Nations holdfast quick Rules of Bursa Asian nation Rules sac Malaya database Requirements sac Asian nation erudition is now a days. They make out these conversations, my friends who forfeit his job. Sell: No so much recommendation.

Sponsored golf course: sheet Stats : 290 members

/ 1656 guests (24 hrs) Rambus, Inc."

Umm what

Their link is for some site that sells recommendations on penny stocks. Armed with that single piece of intelligible information, I will now translate what these people are trying to say:

Dear Potential Customer,

Google (also known as The Oracle) has predicted that if you remain in a horizontal position in an unspecified far away hiding spot, you will achieve your ultimate dream of getting Slaveless Skin. Unfortunately, your resulting high social status won't be much use to you because you will age 60 years overnight and all your brain functions will shut down.

I don't know why we're levitating; just go with it. And those are the slaves falling off, in case you couldn't tell. 

 Also say goodbye to your timeshared beach property, because the combined forces of the London Stock Exchange and BP are going to hypnotize you and convince you to hand over your now super-powered beach property to Hera, Queen of the Gods, who is going to sell said property in order to fund the self-publishing of her upcoming book--The Germane Guide to the Most Expensive Teeny Disasters in United States History.

On an unrelated note, God approves of Ben Bernanke's opinion on the US's next attempt at economic stimulation, even though this attempt will inevitably lead to the apocalypse. In fact, God visited our management office the other day, and the administrative offices, which are across the hall from management, to congratulate us on the millions of bears currently employed by our company. Even though we admit they are somewhat ineffectual at their jobs, every single one of those bears could crush your skull with their incredible grip.

[The following sentence is vulgar and I refuse to translate it.]

By using our products and services, the Elves have now assumed control over all of the Asian Nations. Their golf course is glorious.

I hope all of you in the US have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Mine should be interesting, as Stepmom has decided we're going out to eat (which is the holiday-heresy equivalent of burning down a church while wearing a Satan costume and having an orgy in the church's front garden) because apparently she doesn't feel like shopping/cooking/cleaning. And apparently she feels that Big Sis#2 and I are too incompetent to do it ourselves because there was no discussion of possible alternatives. Oh and also apparently Big Sis#2's incompetence merits Stepmom inviting her and then UNINVITING her to dinner, so now Big Sis#2 is not speaking to Dad or Stepmom and can you tell how totally awesome and exciting Thanksgiving is going to be this year because I sure can and let me tell you I am super stoked. 

-______________________________-

Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!

Let’s talk about Walmart.

 There are two Walmarts within driving distance of my house—the regular one in the Airmont/Monsey area on Route 59 and the Supercenter in Harriman. I never think to go to Walmart whenever I need something and recently someone accused me of being pompous, and cited this as one of the pieces of evidence that proves their theory.

 NO, arsehole.

I mean yes, I may be a pompous windbag, but that is not why I never think of going to Walmart. It has more to do with PTSD.

 My BFF M (I've mentioned his madness before) LOOOOVES Walmart. He physically cannot drive past a Walmart without stopping to go for a nice 3-6 hour browse. One time—and I sh*t you not—a couple of us were on one of our weekend adventures and M goes, “I smell a Walmart!”

 30 seconds later, we drive up and over a small hill

and there’s a fecking Walmart.

M had never been to that part of NJ before. Had never been anywhere near it.

 It was worse back when our group was larger and included M’s older sister, Ash-hole.

(Ash-hole and I have been arch-nemeses since like 2008, but that is a long and melodramatic and obnoxious story for another time…)

 Ash-hole loves Walmart, too. So if you were unfortunate enough to be in the car with both M and Ash-hole and they passed a Walmart, your entire day and/or night and/or weekend would be RUINED, because all the things that made a Walmart trip with M so horrific would be doubled in both duration and severity.

 M does the exact same thing every time he goes to Walmart:

 1. Walmart spotted!

 Sometimes he tries to pass this off as an accident.

 He MUST stop and go in.

 2. M will then try to convince you he needs something specific, like moisturizer.

 And then just one more thing, like some 50-thread count sandpaper they’re trying to call bedding.

 Oh and maybe some throw pillows.

 This leads directly to step 3:

 3. The acquisition of a shopping cart.

It’s all downhill from here.

 4. Cosmetics.

 M will spend 20-30 minutes browsing through the cosmetics and toiletries, sampling lotions and smelling every single bottle of shampoo that they have.

 5. Diet pills.

 Because they’re so much cheaper here! But we must make sure we read the entire label of every single one they sell before M eventually chooses the same one he always buys.

 (Total time in Walmart so far: 60 – 80 minutes)

6. Cheap electronics.

 M will spend 30 – 40 minutes comparing the prices of all the DVD players, televisions, and computers. You will browse through the cheap DVD’s until you need your own section in M’s shopping cart.

 7. The craft section.

 M will have a quick browse through the fake flowers and arts & craft kits and whatnot, at which point you will inevitably arrange the big wooden letters into filthy words.

8. The gardening section and plants.

 Kiss your Saturday night goodbye.

(Total time in Walmart so far: 120 - 200 minutes)

 9. The cart is now full and M decides he doesn’t want anything in it, so now you must stealthily move about the store emptying the cart, eventually leaving it in one of the clothing sections.

 10. a. M will now purchase one item and spend less than $2. You will spend at least $50 on all the shite you’ve acquired over the last 4 hours, mostly DVD’s.

 -or-

 10. b. M will not purchase anything and you will have a nervous breakdown.

…I have gotten my revenge, though, because I do the exact same thing to him in the Christmas Tree Shop.