H is for Hippies

A disclaimer: I wrote the following post while extremely drunk. I do not endorse this sort of behaviour. 
(I am, however, quite impressed with the general level of coherency I managed to achieve.)


I don't even know where to start this.

Back in high school, everyone fit neatly into their labels. There were the trendy kids (I guess what would be the stereotypical *popular* kids?), the nerds, the jocks, and the freaks. And each of those had subcategories. I have no idea what sort of subcategorizations there were among the trendy, jock, and nerdy kids; but in the freak group, there were the goths, the hippies, the punks, and the metalheads. In general, everyone within the Freaks got along with everyone else. Clashes usually arose from one place.

Metalheads vs. Hippies.

....I was about to apologize for possibly offending anyone from this point onward but seriously if you've been reading this blog for this long you should know to never ever take me seriously.

A friend and I just had a long conversation about this. We realized that this conflict--Metalheads vs. Hippies--has defined our entire lives.

Hippies and Metalheads are like complete polar opposites. People accuse me of being a hippie a lot, and my instinctive reaction is to take offense. I never questioned this, and I should because I have some good friends who are definitely hippies, and I don't hold that against them (usually....... ok fine I make fun of them for it but we're still good friends). Like seriously, in high school the biggest insult my friends and I could hurl at each other was "F*CKING HIPPIE!!!"

M and I still use that as an insult. So yeah, when people accuse me of being a hippie because of the way I dress, I get offended.

I think it might be because I'm like a redneck-metalhead hybrid. I guess on the surface level we can appear very similar, but there is a large difference between hippies and rednecks. I shall illustrate this with a chart:

G is for Grocery Shopping

I think everyone who hates grocery shopping hates it for the same reasons, so instead of rambling on in the normal fashion, I shall now attempt some poetry:

I actually kind of like grocery shopping.

It highlights all of my most efficient qualities,

like writing the list in the order of the aisles in the shop

and then never using the list because I memorized it,

and of course when I get home,

carrying all twelve bags in at once

because I don't feel like making more than one trip.

But seriously people

can you not leave your shopping cart across the aisle

completely blocking my way

and then get pissed at me for moving it

when you ignored my polite attempts at

"EXCUSE ME."

Your filthy ill-mannered children

should be strapped into the shopping cart,

or perhaps you could just leave them at home.

I know you have a nanny.

No one with three screaming children

wears Gucci spike heels

and spotless white Dior pant suits

unless they have a nanny.

You know how when you approach an intersection

in your car or on foot,

you stop and look both ways

to make sure you don't get hit by an oncoming truck?

One would think that rule might also apply

to the end of the aisles in the supermarket.

YES, I am in fact quiet short.

And I would appreciate it if you didn't judge me

when I need to climb the shelves

because of course the item I want

is always on the top shelf.

Unless there is something legitimately wrong with you

I don't understand

why you can't

just bag your own effing groceries.

People like you will die first

when the zombies come.

Why the hell don't any of these supermarkets

stock parsnips.

Some of us eat those.

It's Sunday afternoon.

Everyone does their food shopping on Sunday afternoon.

So why are there only two cashiers working?

That's right.

My life is not exciting.

And I know that you know

because the only things I'm buying

are vodka and cat food.