D is for Dogs

Sometimes I like other people's dogs. Big dogs are nice because they are generally calmer and quieter than little dogs. Like Anorexic Auntie's dogs--she always kept golden retrievers and they were lovely. Then she got this horrible terrier thing that barked non-stop and snapped at everyone. 

Ginger Upstairs has a nice big dog, and it's a good thing I'm ok with big dogs, because 7 times out of 10, I walk outside my door and come face to face with a GIANT f*cking pitbull. He likes to come say hi. Oftentimes in a sweater.

Peter is lovely, and possibly one of the best trained dogs I have ever met.

So yeah some dogs are nice, but I could never ever have a dog. I'm just not a dog person. Even if their other qualities didn't put me off, the smell alone would probably drive me to animal abuse.

DOGS SMELL FREAKING AWFUL.

I can't handle it. Even around dogs that I like, I can't inhale or I'll start gagging, and I don't even have a gag reflex. So you better believe if I had a dog living in my house, it would be banned from everywhere, and left to live outside (or maybe in the laundry room in the winter). I have been told that this is cruel, but pretty much all of my Irish relatives with dogs have never let the dogs inside....

The other thing I can't handle with dogs is the stupid.

They're all stupid. Even the "smart" ones, like German Shepherds; they're just slightly less stupid than average. This is of course our fault as humans--over the many centuries of breeding domestic dogs, we have stamped out all of their survival instincts. Which means they can't really be left alone for extended periods of time.

Like seriously, I can't think of any other animal on earth (except humans) that will actually eat itself to death if given enough food. Or eat objects that are definitely not food, which then requires surgery to remove said object from its stomach. And eat the same thing AGAIN after fully recovering from surgery, thus necessitating more surgery (a friend's dog did that FOUR times before the last time killed it).

I am most definitely a cat person.

C is for Completely Unnecessary Letters of the Alphabet

(...which is why I shall not be including the letters Q and X later, and am only including C to explain why these letters are useless.)

From a very young age, I questioned the necessity of the letters Q and X in the alphabet. We don't need them. At all. Most people thought I was a weirdo if I voiced this opinion, but then when I got to college I found someone who vehemently agreed with me.

Everyone had to take Writing 101 freshman year at UArts. Everyone also hated it, as it was a super boring gen. ed. class that felt like repeating high school English.

Unless you had Mr. Dave as your professor.

Mr. Dave was a total lunatic, and hands down one of the best professors I had in my five years of college. During the first week of the semester, in the drop/add period, all the timid and/or normal kids transferred out of his class. And we also acquired more of the really weird kids (you KNOW you're fecking weird if the other kids in your art college think you're weird).

His grading system relied more upon your uniqueness and strangeness than on your actual work. (For example, at the end of the semester we had to do a 10 page paper on VanGogh and submit it to him via email by a certain date. I had writer's block combined with general laziness and after a very very brief effort, decided to just not do the final paper and settle with getting a C in his class instead of an A or B. A few days after school ended, I ran into Mr. Dave and he said he thought maybe there had been some computer issue because he had not received my final paper. I said no, there was no issue. I just didn't feel like writing it. A week later, my grades came in the mail. Mr. Dave gave me an A for the semester.)

Mr. Dave not only did not believe in the letters Q and X, he also had a problem with the letter C. He instantly became my hero. Particularly because, unless you wanted him to dock half a point from your grade, you had to not use C, Q, or X on any tests, quizzes, homework assignments, or papers.

So quizzes bekame kwizzes. Church is khurkh. Duks say kwak. I ekspekt even the weird kids in klass thought that Mr. Dave was a raving lunatik.

But really people, think about it: C, Q, and X are kompletely unnessessary.