time to complain some more

(skip this if you're worried about Game of Thrones spoilers... or if, you know, you just don't care)

::beginrant::

You know who really pisses me the eff off??

Catelyn Stark.

Seriously.

WHAT

THE

F*CK

She's an effing train wreck. EVERY SINGLE DECISION she makes ends in doom and destruction for her family.

And what pisses me off double is that I actually liked her in the TV series. I mean I had already read books 1 - 3 by the time I started watching it, but with what's her name playing Catelyn, I kind of liked her. (Actually, the same goes for a lot of the characters in the series that I hated in the books, like Ser Jorah, and Osha, and Tywin Lannister....)

Let's begin with that time someone came to assassinate Bran. The assassin was killed by Bran's direwolf, and Catelyn--armed with the letter her sister had sent her a while back, which was FULL OF LIES, about the murderous nature of the Lannisters (I mean they're all douchebags, but at that point in the story no one had ANY CONCRETE REASON WHATSOEVER to think the Lannisters were committing numerous acts of treason)

...where was I? Oh yeah so Catelyn decided that OBVIOUSLY the Lannisters are responsible for Bran's near-death, and so she ventures off to King's Landing to *find out more information*.

So at King's Landing, Peter Baelish says of the attempted murder weapon oh hey, that's MY knife, I lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister.

He says he lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister, because Peter claims he bet on Jamie Lannister and not the Mountain Clegane at a joust. And the Mountain won.

And the Starks buy this explanation.

What the f*ck.

Are you people retarded.

It took like 2 more books for George R. R. Martin to come out and say what makes this so retarded.

Tyrion is a f*cking LANNISTER. He's not going to bet against his brother. So right away the Starks should have known that Peter Baelish is full of shite.

Jamie Lannister - one of only two characters in this series who does NOT deserve to die.

But no. Catelyn goes off back to Winterfell with murder on the mind. And lo and behold, by chance she runs into Tyrion Lannister at an inn.

And has everyone in the inn gang up on him so she can take him prisoner.

A Lannister. Arrested. By a WOMAN. For no real reason other than she's *pretty certain* he arranged to have her son killed.

And then instead of taking him to King's Landing, or back to Winterfell, she takes Tyrion to the Eyrie, where her BATSH*T CRAZY sister lives.

Naturally, when the Lannisters find out about this, they more or less go to war because Tyrion has been unjustly imprisoned.

This is pretty much what starts the War.

The War. The War that is the plot of this entire series. The War that destroyed the seven kingdoms, the war that made and killed like 5 kings, and pretty much killed and maimed EVERYONE.

It got started because Catelyn Stark SUCKS ASS.

Let's jump ahead to when Robb Stark (Catelyn's eldest son, and King in the North) is trying to plan his war against the Lannisters, and Catelyn led him to make one awful decision after another.

Like that time she convinced him to put Roose Bolton in charge of one of the attacks.

Oh and that other time she went to negotiate with the Freys on Robb's behalf. Now in fairness, I realize that decision is partially Robb's fault because he let her go,

BUT

Catelyn basically hands over everything she has to these f*cking peasant Freys who breed like rabbits. She takes on wards, makes them squires, and promises Robb will marry one of the Frey women, just so poor Robb can CROSS A F*CKING BRIDGE.

Ummmm what

And then by chance Robb (who is 16 and full of male hormones) finds a pretty girl somewhere else and screws her, and then marries her after because he's a nice f*cking guy. So of course now Big Daddy Frey is pissed because Robb was supposed to marry one of his daughters.

Ohhh no but it's ok. The Freys can marry a daughter off to Catelyn's brother instead, and the Freys will throw an awesome feast for the wedding and totally make nice with Robb even though he SHAMED THEM.

And so Catelyn takes her brother and her eldest son to the wedding with the Freys.

And the Freys F*CKING MASSACRE THEM. And Robb Stark is killed.

I cannot even begin to articulate how I upset this made me.

But the fact that Catelyn Stark was finally murdered made me feel a little better.

For like 2 seconds.

Somehow, the outlaw Dondarrion (who I thought totally ruled until this point) brought Catelyn Stark back to life.

And what does Zombie Catelyn do? 
ORDERS THE DEATH OF THE  
      O N E       A N D       O N L Y    P E R S O N    who gave a sh*t about finding her daughters alive and bringing them home safely.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:O

CATELYN MUST BE STOPPED. KILLED. AGAIN.

WITH FIRE.

if only I could catch my death; just give me long enough to fear it

Recently I've heard a couple people discussing the topic of the "privileged" (upper/middle class, 1st world country dwellers, whatever you want to call us) and their depression, and how we have no right to be depressed because of all we have. It makes many of us feel incredibly guilty when we DO get depressed because there's people out there living in war-torn villages or starving or dying of horrific diseases we get vaccinated against or just having a super crappy time in general and yet here we are sitting in our homes with electricity and clean water and jobs and money

and yet we spend half the day contemplating how pleasant it would be to just drop dead.

I wonder sometimes if it is this lifestyle that saps some of us of the will to live. We have been given too much and no longer know how to appreciate the things that matter. So those things we take for granted--food, shelter, health--have no meaning anymore.

So yeah I know I shouldn't be depressed because I have so much while so many others have feckall, but that does not negate the fact that I am indeed depressed.

No one likes feeling depressed.

(Ummm.....duh?)

Hyperbole & a Half did a pretty good post about how it can just sneak up on you, lodge itself firmly in your brain, and by the time you've realized it's there, 'tis too late--you're pretty much suicidal already and so deep in your hermit-hood you can't see any way out of it, and you don't even WANT to get out.

I no longer see a way out of this. I don't even remember how it started. I've never felt so suicidal in my life. But since I feel like I'm in hell already, I'm too chickenshite to off myself in case there really is a hell and it somehow sucks worse than how I feel right now. Even heaven scares me because I don't want an afterlife of any kind, at all.

My shrink wants me to meditate. My doctor gives me anti-anxiety medication. My mother tells me I'm ridiculous. My sister tells me things will get better.* I don't talk to my father about this because as far as Daddy Dearest is concerned, I am The Stupid One, so there's just no point.

I realized recently that all these things have been piling up for months and months and months, like this giant boiling cauldron of depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety and RAGE. I feel like I'm shut in a room that's getting smaller and smaller and smaller and there's no doors or windows by which to escape.

Know what happens when you take that magic potion and throw in a bunch of xanax every day?

You get the mental shitestorm, but your feelings of caring about having or not having that mental shitestorm go away.

So basically, you embrace the anger and depression instead, and you lose the ability to feel anxious because xanax is awesome like that.

I feel like I'm two seconds away from going on a killing spree. All the time.

I spend huge chunks of time every day fantasizing about throwing some stuff and my cat into the car and just driving driving driving until I'm so far away from home there is no possibility of being recognized or found, and then I'll just disappear. Take on a new name and start a new life as a different person.

Because running away solves everything, right?

But the xanax keeps me from homicide and suicide and running away. I think.

I am teetering on an edge. Hanging by a thread. Each day is just a little harder than the last. Part of me wants to just let go and fall. Go as crazy as I feel and get locked up and sedated and left to rot in the loony bin.

I'm sorry for being such a debbie downer today. Everything just looks so bleak and I have nowhere else to vent all of this.

*Seriously the next person in my family who tells me "things will get better" gets stabbed in all their major organs in alphabetical order with a blunt machete.