This is me at my most masochistic.

I debated posting this. But I think I need to just get it out....

I'm in a bad place. A place full of extreme self-loathing. And I'm going to rant. 

Yes, I am well aware that I am not worth anyone's time. This has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. 

Oh I'm sorry. Am I being melodramatic? 

If you could see the things I'm thinking of doing to you, you would have heart failure while bleeding out of your eyeballs.

I'm not sure exactly to whom I'm addressing this. Perhaps all of them. Perhaps just a few. Perhaps just one at a time. It's all the same in the end. What I'm saying is that I don't care if you think I'm being melodramatic. You never wanted to listen to begin with; I can't see why any of you would choose to listen now. 

[I don't mean you, my followers. I mean all the Yous I can't actually address.]

I suppose it's a bad sign when not even your parents want you. 

Yes, we can laugh about it now--how funny it was that Mich's first language was Jamaican Patois, that she didn't lose the accent until the end of the first grade. And then that funny accent she has now, the one that's gotten stronger some years, weaker in others. The hybrid accent of one who has spent too long crossing the ocean over and over again, shunted back and forth between parents, step-parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, nannies. Never long enough to get really comfortable. Never long enough to know what Home really means. Never long enough to know how to really relate to other people. 

And actually connecting with other people on an emotional level? That's almost funny.

I'm so tired.

And Fat.

Stupid.

Ugly.

Worthless.

 I can't sleep. And when I can, it's only nightmares. 

Awful, violent, soul-crushing nightmares.

I can't do this anymore. 

Screw recovery. Let the demons have me. All of them--Ed, Ana, Asp, the knives and the fire.  At least I know they won't leave me. And I take great comfort in the fact that they might kill me before things get worse.

We ain't one-at-a-timin' here; we're MASS communicating!!!

So there I was yesterday, driving up to Dad's house to visit Little Bros #1 and 2, and I discovered that I had a fly in my car. 


Idk what it is about me and my car that attracts bugs, but it's getting annoying. 


You know how those flies are. They really like your head. 

Which is kind of dangerous when you're behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.

Because it's not like you can just let it fly all up in your face without at least trying to swat it. 

Didn't get to see boy this weekend. :( He got stuck at a family bbq on Saturday. And then Sunday he and his buddies thought it would be a good idea to play golf. In really intense rain. 
-__-


But he wants to do something tomorrow night, so that's good I guess. It would have been tonight, but I lied and said I had my writing group because I NEED to go to the gym, because I am a fat heffalump. 


Speaking of which, here is the recipe for my s'mores cookies!! I mostly put this recipe together myself, because I was dissatisfied with the ones I found on the internet. They were all basically just chocolate chip cookie recipes, only with marshmallows and crumbled graham crackers in the cookies as well. I wanted to make something that actually tasted like a s'more, so I went back a step and looked up how to make graham crackers from scratch. Then I altered that recipe slightly so that the cookies would be chewy instead of crispy like a graham cracker. 


The recipe is HUGE--it yielded 6 dozen cookies, so you can cut it in half if you don't need that many. I'm just posting it exactly as I made it.


Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Prep a few cookie sheets with a sheet of parchment paper. 


You will need:
- 2 cups flour
- 2 cups crushed graham cracker (I put it in a food processor to crush it up really fine)
- 2 cups dark brown sugar
- ~1 tbsp. honey
- 6 packets Splenda
- 2 tbs. vanilla extract
- 1 1/2 cups softened butter
- 2 eggs
- 2 tsp bicarbonate of soda (lol.... I love that) ((that's baking soda))
- 1/2 tsp. salt
- 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
- small marshmallows
- 1 bag milk chocolate chips


To make:
- In a large bowl, combine the butter, sugar, honey, eggs, and vanilla.

Mix them up real good. 

- In a separate bowl, combine the flour, graham cracker crumbs, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon.

- Gradually add the flour mixture to the butter & sugar mix. 

- And mix that up real good. 

- Then mix in the entire bag of chocolate chips. 

- I started out using a teaspoon to spoon the mix onto the cookie sheets, but then realized that I would end up baking for the next 4 hours and have like 12 dozen cookies. So after the first batch I switched to roughly a tablespoon measure. Space the cookies about an inch or an inch and a half apart, and then press the mini marshmallows into the top.

Those were the smaller cookies. For the bigger cookies, I used 5 or 6 marshmallows per cookie. You don't want to mix the marshmallows into the batter because if any of them end up poking out the bottom of a cookie, they will turn rock hard in the oven from contact with the cookie sheet.


- Bake them for exactly 6 minutes. Then let them cool on a rack. 

They tasted AMAZING. At the larger size, they were roughly 120-130 calories per cookie. I think I ate like 20. 


Will catch up on all your blogs today, hopefully!! <3