You're not like the others. You like the same things I do: Wax paper. Boiled football leather. Dog breath. We're not hitchhiking anymore. We're riding!

Here's a photo of my dessert from fancy dinner out on Friday:

That's homemade vanilla ice cream on a bed of coconut shavings, with semi sweet chocolate drizzled over it to form a hard chocolate shell. It was almost as good as the ginger-and-coconut veggie crab bisque I had for an appetizer.

There is NOTHING on the telly. 

Like seriously. Feckall. We pay for this. 

I mean ok yeah we have the cheapest possible cable package so there's not that many channels; but a few years ago before The Depression Part Deux hit us, we had satellite with like 2,000 channels including ALL the movie channels, and even then sometimes there would actually be nothing worth watching.

We're PAYING for these things with our hard-earned money. I think the people in charge of television need to get their shite together and put a bit more effort into their programming. 

Why the eff isn't my show on?!

So there's a bill or something that the senate is voting on (I think?[can you tell I'm totally into politics and government and how the country actually works? Lol]) that's going to cut all federal funding for public broadcasting. 100%. No more money for things like my classical radio station. Or Nova. No more Keeping Up Appearances marathons or opera on the radio on Saturdays. 

No more Arthur.

(He's an aardvark, but apparently he had some serious rhinoplasty before going on TV)

The government is taking away all of Arthur's funding. They may as well be slaughtering Arthur and his whole family. 

I actually wrote to my local congressman about this. (I looked up "congress" in the index of the Lawyers' Diary and found a whole list of them, organized by county.) Basically I said that if You People are responsible for the discontinuance of my radio station, I will go on a murderous rampage as a result of the offal that's on the all other radio stations, and then I will sue Rihanna, her song and music writers, the record company, and everyone else related to the composition of Rihanna's music because she is an agent of Satan and it is impossible NOT to get her songs stuck in your head for days, sometimes weeks at a time just from hearing it for 30 seconds. 

I could probably get a lot money out of that, too. The Boss might be a grasshole sometimes, but he seems quite good at what he does. I've seen some pretty huge checks come across my desk just for things like some dude slipping in a bit of spilled water on the floor of Macy's. It upsets me a little every time I have to take one of those checks to the bank. Boss only gets at most a third of the total settlement, but it's still a helluva lot of money. Like I'm holding a little piece of paper worth three times my yearly salary. 

Wow I'm rambling. 

I ate a lot this weekend. 

Like Holy Mother of God, I ate A LOT. Most of it was meat. Easter candy came in a very close second. Cereal wins third place. The dairy-chocolate-carb overload rash is on my neck, chest, and stomach. 

Guess what I came home to on Friday evening? 

Wild guess.

COCOA MOTHERTRUCKING PEBBLES.  

It took me 2 days to eat the whole box, which is a large improvement on the usual 18 minutes. 

But I worked out loads for the past three days, so I'm not freaking out. 

Totally not freaking out.

I miss that show. Little Sis's dad introduced me to it (before Little Sis existed, when her dad was still just Mum's Really Cool Boyfriend With The Red Motorcycle). 

Oh heeyyyy vitamins*  !   !!

Wassup? It's been a while. 

It's funny how I can see myself going through these patterns of behavior, and I know exactly what's going to happen during each phase of my psychologically disturbed episodes. Yet I still continue with that behavior, knowing it's bad, knowing it's going to lead to negative consequences, and an Aftermath, etc. etc. 

The behavior itself never varies. I follow the same predictable pattern from one step to the next. 

1.) Get vitamins* by chance or by accident (i.e., friends getting drunk and extremely generous, receiving them as payment in lieu of cash, or being drunk myself and weak-willed, and subsequently convinced to buy large quantities of vitamins*).

2.) Take some vitamins 3-5 days later, just as a "treat" in advance for doing a good workout. 

3.) Burn 800 calories with no effort whatsoever. 

4.) Have a bad binge.

5.) To make up for Bad Binge, plan a fast for the following 4 days (that's an average, it could be up to 6 days).

6.) It's tough exercising while liquid fasting and only having 200 calories a day. But not exercising = death, so let's have some vitamins* to ease the exercising process. Just while fasting, then we'll go back to eating the usual 500-900 calories a day. Because we don't want to go crazy, right?

7.) Burn 600-800 calories working out.

8.) We're just doing it while fasting, then we'll totally go back to normal.

9.) Burn an average of 700 calories a day while only consuming up <200 for up 5 consecutive days.

10.) Binge.

11.) Repeat steps 5 thru 10 until we run out of money or supplies of vitamins*, or until we suffer a serious injury. Whichever happens first.

So yeah right now I'm on the second lap, just beginning step 5. (Nothing but coffee and Spiru-Tein all day tomorrow, the Spiru-Tein only sipped when I feel faint). 

mmuuuuufffffffiiinnnnn

I uploaded four new albums from the last bunch of Sunday Adventures.  It's missing a roll though, because some idiot mixed up my film with someone else's, so one of the sets of negatives I got back had photos from some kind deep sea scuba diving expedition. 

Pretty cool, but still not my photos. 


Night-night all!! I think the sleepies are finally kicking in....






*I know I've said this before, but.... DRUGS VITAMINS ARE BAD. Just don't start. 

Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing.

I started this around midnight last night. Was going to just delete it because I think it's mostly rubbish, but there's a certain raw, straight-from-my-subconscious feel about it. So I'll leave it posted. 
There is, however, a disclaimer--I DO NOT agree with, condone, or wish to promote any of the self-destructive behaviors I talk about in this post. I know it's wrong. I know I should not be doing these things. But I do them anyway. If y'all have even the smallest shred of common sense, you will not follow in my zigzagging footsteps.


I can't sleep.


o.O


Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh


I don't understand how I can be high as a kite on the sleeping pills (100 mg diphenhydramine, 25 mg doxylamine) and yet I still can't sleep. I don't want to dig into my Xanax supply, because I like hoarding the good stuff. 


Feck.


I'm  trying to catch up on all the blogs I'm following (like 300ish?). An impossible number to keep up with on a regular basis, so I am sorry if I don't get a chance to comment on your blogs as often as I'd like. I generally go through my commenters first--seems fairest. So if you think I'm ignoring you, feel free to come yell at me, and I will stop. ;)


This ad almost made me wet myself laughing:


Just the bit with the rainbow. ON FIRE!!


OMG I need sleep.


One more night of house sitting, and then I can finally go home. I don't know why I agree to do this every year. All it does is stress me out because their dogs SUCK with the barking and vomiting and lack of proper house training. It also makes me extremely aware of the fact that I should never live alone. I've only been in friend's house for a week (as of today, Friday since it's past midnight) and I am completely and totally indulging in the worst of my habits:
- I have not eating anything solid since Sunday night. During the day, I have coffee, and carry around a Spiru-Tein shake for when I feel weak or faint, and have soup at night if I feel brave. I have not gone over 300 calories all week.
- Despite the lack of intake, I've been working out like normal. 45 minutes to an hour on friend's exercise bike every evening, plus power-walking around the neighbourhood.
- I recently came into a new supply of vitamins* as well, hence being able to work out that much on so little nourishment. I'm having some trouble breathing through my nose.
- Oxycontin does not make you vomit like morphine and oxymorphone do. 
- Since the dogs barked until 3.30 AM on Monday night, I ended up taking a lot of xanax and then slept for 14 hours. Somehow I managed to get up at 7.30 and text Boss that I was sick without being consciously aware of doing so at the time.
- I haven't spoken to anyone other than people at work and my mother since Sunday.


As much as I do enjoy solitude, there is a big difference between having lots of quiet alone time and actually living alone. The closest I ever came to living alone was my third year in Philadelphia. I really hated it there at that point. I had wanted to come home after the fall semester, but the 'rents said absolutely not--finish the year, and then you can think about transferring to a local college. 


My roommate pretty much lived in the printmaking studios at school, so I spent the spring semester of 2005 skipping classes, not speaking to anyone, and spending most of my time shut in my room bouncing between marijuana, OTC sleeping pills, the occasional black tar opium, percocets, and vodka. And alternately binge-eating and starving. That was also when I started cutting again after 4 years of self harm sobriety. When I went home for a long weekend in the beginning of May, just before finals, I must have looked like a total trainwreck because Mum was like HOLY FECK, what the hell is wrong with you?!?


There was no more "discussion" or "maybes" about transferring colleges after that. I went fleeing back to New Jersey before finals were even over. (I hadn't bothered to do most of my final assignments anyway, so there was no point in sticking around).


So yeah I think I'm a bit of a danger to myself if left completely isolated. Like a pig--they can turn from domesticated farm pigs into wild pigs in less than a year if they escape (it's nuts; they're whole appearance changes in a really short time--there was a National Geographic documentary on it).


At home, even though I spend a good deal of time alone doing my own thing, I have my cat, and Mum and Little Sis living there, which keeps me social and forces me to interact with other humans on a regular basis. And Mum keeps me in check without being overbearing (most of the time) so I don't completely fall off the anorexic-pill popping-self harming cliff edge. This happy environment keeps me mostly sane.

But when left completely alone and isolated, it's amazing how quickly my mental health disintegrates.

Just like a farm-raised pig released into the wild. 


..... Xanax was taken after that. And I actually had  a good night's sleep!


Home to all my creature comforts in a few hours. I never appreciate Home as much as when I'm away from it. Mum is taking me out to Esty Street tonight, because she knows I had a rubbish week. As terrifying as dinner out can be, I'm not that scared. Esty Street is pretty fancy delicious fine dining, so I will allow more than my usual consumption for that. Plus since I haven't' really eaten anything all week, it's about bloody time I had a decent meal.


The girl weenie dog is humping the boy. I'm a bit disturbed by this. 


Hope you're all handling the upcoming Easter holiday ok. I plan to allow myself a little Easter candy. And we're having our usual morning fry-up, plus dinner at Step-mom's parent's. I pretty much only eat meat for Easter, so since it's carb-free I figure it won't be too bad. 
We do a serious fry-up for brunch--all stuff from the supermarket that carries the Irish meat (proper sausage and rashers, and my ultimate favourite: BLACK PUDDING :D)

And then step-grandmother always does a rack of lamb for an early dinner.

So yeah I refuse to get over-anxious. 


Have a happy Easter weekend, my luvs!