Day 2 of the Master Cleanse and things are going well. I had put on a few lbs over the weekend from my epic salmon binge Sunday evening, but now I'm back down to 101. Again. Last night was tough. I could not get to sleep for ages, and then when I finally did I was just hovering somewhere between deep sleep and waking. I kept having really vivid dreams that I was binging on junk food - brownies, peanut butter, oreos, etc., etc. Woke up in a panic every time.
I don't think I'll be able to do this for another 8 days. If I've lost anything by tomorrow, I'll try and keep it up until Friday and then reassess my physical condition. The lemon-maple thing is yummy, but drinking it all day is starting to make me feel sick. I've never had much of a sweet tooth, and I hate fruit (it hates me, too - makes me ill). Why couldn't I eat nothing but meat for 10 days and lose weight that way?!? God is cruel. There's also a definite increase in my anxiety level since yesterday. We'll see how it goes...
I think I've given up on Pretty Little Liars. I read all the books and they were awesome, but the show is just straying way too far from the books and I feel like I can't keep up. Plus, none of the girls look like they're supposed to. And in the books, they're not even friends! >:O I totally don't see how "A" can be who she is in the books. I'm making my sister give me a run-down after every new episode to see if they can pull it off.
Writer's block has set in yet again. I went book shopping to try and get inspired. That's right - my unemployed as$ went to Barnes & Noble and purchased $75 worth of books on my mastercard! I bought Grip of the Shadow Plague and The Candy Shop War by Brandon Mull, Among the Betrayed and Among the Barons by Margaret Haddix, The Old Willis Place and Deep Dark and Dangerous by Mary Hahn, Plato's Republic, and a kit to paint watercolor fairies and mermaids.
So hopefully, I shall spend tomorrow reading and then be waist-deep in fantastical inspiration.
And no, I don't mean getting my legs waxed by a Platonian beauty expert.
The Master Cleanse has been going for all of 1 hour. I also cheated and had a tiny bowl of cereal when I got up. Consider it "easing in" to the lemonade diet. I made my first batch of lemon-maple syrup-cayenne pepper drink. I'm not gonna lie - it's pretty delicious. I may be making use of this flavor combo for some holiday desserts once Thanksgiving comes a bit closer. Perhaps a lemon-maple cake with a hint of cayenne in the icing? My family shall bask in the glory of my mad skills.
So once again, I have been witness to a glaring example of complete ignorance regarding anorexia and bulimia. Even though it irks me, I can forgive this kind of ignorance on the part of the general public. After all, there's a big difference between IGNORANT and STUPID. Ignorance cannot be helped.
People who have never had to deal with an eating disorder themselves, or via a close friend or relative simply don't get it. They see this as a diet, as us girls just being stupid. They think we're doing this just to get skinny, and then we'll stop. They say things like, "I don't get why she starves like that - It's not like she looks good that skinny. She looks nasty; why doesn't she just eat?!?"
We can't just stop because this is a DISORDER, not a diet. It's a mental illness. I know I talk about it on this blog like it's not a huge deal. I write of the various ups and downs of anorexia with dry wit and sarcastic dark humor, but it really isn't a laughing matter. In the end, it's going to kill me. (Violet seems like she's on the same page - she wrote a great blog entry on this the other day.)
And the whole "just eat something" response to our illness really bugs me. I know anorexia and bulimia are difficult concepts to really wrap your brain around if you've never experienced it up close and personal, but seriously: don't you think if we actually could stop and "just eat" like everyone else, we would do it?? I wish I could eat like a normal person. I wish I didn't feel like slitting my throat with a butcher knife every time I binged. I wish that eating candy didn't make me cry out in despair, huddled into a fetal position on my bedroom floor. I wish I could eat a hamburger and fries without climbing the walls in bloody anxiety for days afterward.
I don't actually remember what it's like to eat like a normal person. I don't remember what it's like to just eat when I'm hungry, stop eating when I'm full, and to feel content with a full tummy. I wish to God I could wake up one day and just be normal again. If an ice-pick lobotomy would make me go back to the way I was before all of this started, believe me I'd be the first in line.
Would you tell a heroin addict to "just stop doing heroin?" No. Because you know the addict is physically and mentally addicted, and he will have to go through serious withdrawal when he stops, and he will think about doing heroin every day for the rest of his life, even when he's clean. It's the same for an eating disorder. This is not a diet. It's not a fad. And for many of us, it is no longer a conscious decision.
Stay beautiful, my lovelies. :-* You are all the beautiful princesses of your own fairytales - don't ever forget that. xoxo
