We all make mistakes.

Every so often, when you're starving yourself to get thinner, you slip up. Even though you try with all of your strength to resist, you just have to take one little bite of that peanut butter Oreo. And then WHAM, all of your willpower crumbles. you end up eating half the packet of Oreos, and then half a tub of ice cream, and then you start shoveling cereal into your mouth straight out of the box before you realize, "Oh my God, I'm a huge disgusting PIG!"

This happens when you haven't eaten properly for a long time, and your body is screaming for nourishment. Once it gets some, I guess it just goes into overdrive, trying to force you to cram as many calories into your tummy as you possibly can, to make up for all the fat you've lost. My reaction to this is predictable: panic. And then usually an overdose of the emergency stash of fast-acting laxatives.

I almost lost it just now. The boss left me a packet of veggie chips, and so I had one chip. Then I had another one, and another and another until I finished the whole bag. I almost floored it down to the cafeteria to buy everything consumable, but I managed to stop myself. My heart is still slowing down.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (20), 1 bag veggie crisps (135).

This is definitely an addiction.

I weighed myself this morning, practically convulsing in fear as I stepped onto the scale. 111 pounds! Still a heifer, but I'm getting there!! Short term goal: 100 pounds by April 1st. Longer term goal: 90 pounds by May 1st.

I used to think that once I got to my goal weight (a number which, funny enough, gets lower and lower as my weight gets lower), I could stop. I could eat more than I do now (less than a normal person, but still be kind of healthy), and maintain that goal weight.

Not a chance.

Once I see the number on the scale going down, I get a rush probably similar to the feeling a junkie gets from shooting heroin. The faster the number descends, the higher I get on my own starvation. If I can reach the "goal weight," I will get the ultimate high. I think that's why the goal weight keeps getting lower. Each high will be better than the last. And then when do I stop? 90 pounds? 80? 70? 0?

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal measured (160), 1 cup coffee with half & half (10), South Beach fiber bar (110), Lean Cuisine (290), 1 cup fat free Swiss Miss (20), for a total of 595. I burned about 375 cals working out, so that makes a daily total of 220.