Wednesday, April 27, 2016

This is me just thinking out loud. feel free to skip it. 

I saw the apartment yesterday, instead of Sunday, because I wanted to see how long it would take me to get there if I left straight from work. I hit more than the usual traffic, and got there in about an hour and 20 minutes. 

I drove back to the office afterwards, to test the distance going a slightly different route. An hour and eight minutes. 

I am totally ok with that, but I have to factor in the 120 miles of driving every day, at least as far as fuel costs (I'm estimating $90 per month, a 'month' being 4 weeks) and car maintenance, which will need to be done more often than it is now. 

I really liked the apartment. A little small, but then again the lady living in it now has so much stuff everywhere it probably looked smaller than it is. Her son just moved in with her and so she is moving into the larger apartment next to it, because she does not want to leave the building. She's been there for 3 years. 

The landlord was really nice. He said he's the type who fixes problems immediately, and the tenant in the apartment I looked at confirmed this to be true. (And I'm also going to presume it is because she wants to keep living in the building.)

I am in love with the location of the apartment. It is 20 minutes from everything, surrounded by rolling green hills and farmland. Like holy crap is that drive gorgeous. 

So factoring in rent, utilities (heat and elec. on the same bill, the tenant and landlord both said separately that it averaged out at $90/month, which means I will probably end up with a lower bill, but I used $90 for my spreadsheet anyway), travelling costs, and all my other expenses (cat food, car insurance, cell phone, internet, music lessons, hair bleaching, car payment, loan payment, psychiatrist, and crazy pills), I'll be left with about $170 per week for food and other household stuffs. 

I can do that. It won't be easy, and I'll probably have to cut back on a lot of luxuries, but I can do it. 

But I'm not sure if I should. 

I've been getting a pretty strong message from above that I should stay put. It's frustrating. It's infuriating. It's killing me slowly, but I'm still trying to listen. God's not subtle when I try to ignore Him. Seriously. Mold, bugs, pestilence, car-totaling accident, major hassles where there should have been none. 

But how the heck do I know when I should stop staying put? The last apartment I looked at was easy--the landlord decided to accept another tenant. And I had prayed that if that apartment was not the right choice, then please Lord don't give me a choice and let them give the apartment to someone else. 

With this apartment, I'm pretty sure I'll get it if I call the landlord back and say I want it. 

I don't know. What I do know is that I have been unraveling--slowly at first and now faster. I'm drinking too much. I'm crying myself to sleep most nights. I'm not really eating anything unless I have to (i.e., in front of people). I'm self-harming again, and far too often. Each week life gets harder and I get worse, and most days I have to really struggle to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I hate living here with my mother and I don't know how much longer I can take it before I put a bullet in my head. 

But I don't know if this is the time to leave, or if this is the home I should be moving into. 


  1. Either way, please don't put a bullet in your head!

  2. I can't say anything but I love you and hope in God. Don't face it alone- talk to your support network.

  3. Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry. Please seek help from someone in your area. If you want to call me to talk, email me at I'll give you my phone number and listen to anything you want to say. Perhaps this decision is too much for you right now. It might be better to stay put. If this apartment is meant to be, then it will come to you when you are ready. I know you like many aspects of the area, but as soon as I saw the length of your commute, I felt concerned. I once worked at a job with a very long commute. I couldn't handle it and ended up quitting. I couldn't move. I was also mistreated at work, though. It seems as if God is sending you signals. Please stop self-harming. I've been there. I know it makes things worse. Drinking also increases depression. I know how difficult it can be to stop the ways we self-medicate.

    Much, much love,
    Janie Junebug

    1. I don't know enough of your history to understand the trauma of the place where you live now. If it's making you this miserable, then please take the apartment. A long commute isn't bad when it's a pretty commute.

  4. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Talking it out is so helpful and may relieve some of the anxiety you have. There's a good move in your future; you're looking for somethibg, right? That's a positive step. If you have too many reservations, keep looking. No harm in that.

    Prayers for you, friend.

  5. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Talking it out is so helpful and may relieve some of the anxiety you have. There's a good move in your future; you're looking for somethibg, right? That's a positive step. If you have too many reservations, keep looking. No harm in that.

    Prayers for you, friend.

  6. Hey, friend. I can't help but think that the head honcho upstairs wants your skull intact. I am, of course, biased, but the two stupidest decision of my life, by far, were moving back into the house of my childhood. There were too many ghosts and nightmares, too much bad blood, and not enough change, for that house to ever be anything but destructive for me. You sound like where you are is destructive for you... and that you have a window to a less hellish, if poorer (believe me, with a request to go part time so my body can heal, I know the pain of facing 30% budget cuts) existence.

    Sometimes, things just happen, even shitty things that pile up. Maybe it's not a Message.

    Your kitties need you, and if it's any help, it wouldn't be much of a Blogtoberfest if Peri and I spend our time together bawling over the loss of another good one. (if that is not helpful, disregard, but it's true)

  7. I'm going to add you to my prayer list immediately. Like.Right.Now.

    Please stop doing things that you know are self destructive. Love yourself, if for no other reason, than because God does. (I've struggled with forgiving myself, and was finally only able to accept it when I realized God had... and who was I to withhold that which He gave???). I think you'll feel clearer about everything when you stop the drinking and self harm.

    Then pray about it.

    I'm going to pray, too, that you get a feeling about what to do next. If this isn't the apartment, let the place you should be reveal itself. That is my prayer for you!

  8. If you're that unhappy where you are, it seems obvious you must get out, for the sake of your sanity and your health. Is there an objective person (counselor, therapist, friend, Janie Junebug?) you can talk to and go over the pros and cons of moving? Are there any other apartments closer to your work? That may not be the right apartment but it sounds to me like it's definitely time to move out. I'm thinking about you, Mich.

    1. Oh Mich, it's heartbreaking, it's super heartbreaking....that bullet in the head feeling....on. please, what ever happens, please, I am begging you, don't do it, I am there with you, I don't get out of bed, I have terrible nightmares, all that, I hate the thought of facing another day, please, please, stay with us, my love.............we need you, I know how dark it is I am there.... sending love. I only get out of bed for our son...who is in bed in the afternoon! I love you, Mich

    2. Look at all the people who care about you. Moving can happen, but your head has to be in the right place. You need to be able to focus. It's difficult to make decisions when you're so upset.

  9. Hello, since I know nothing of your problems except for what you wrote here....
    My x was horrible and every year was was awful but I couldn't divorce him till the children were older. California you share everything right down the middle.
    But when we did divorce it was great, scary and great. So what I am saying right now your have to sit down take a breath. Look for somewhere closer to your job a two hour drive no matter how nice will tire you out. Right now no matter how small an apt. you can move into to get away from living with your mom and closer to work will help. Then when you settle in rest and get healthy you will make the move to somewhere else. Be sure to have a window, a plant and
    take care of your kitties.
    Whatever you do please do not feel like you have to harm yourself. I have several health problems that are diffelect to live with. But everyday I wake up and look outside and I an happy.
    You will get better soon.

  10. Oh Mich
    This broke my heart
    You just left a comment on my blog
    Telling me about all the people who follow and read my blog
    I will say the same thing to you
    Mich you are loved
    So loved
    You just have to look at the comment section of your blog to see that
    I'm glad you are praying about the move
    Go with your gut
    A woman's intuition is rarely wrong

    But Mich
    I worry reading the last part of your post
    Are you speaking to anyone?
    If not
    Please do
    We all need a little help from time to time
    And Jesus Christ and everything that is holy
    Please don't put a bullet in you head whatever you do
    This situation will work out
    I just know it will
    Have faith
    Be patient
    And be patient
    Things will work out

    Sending you all the love I can muster x

    1. Just realised I wrote be patient twice
      Repetition is recognition x

  11. I don't know if this is the house for you but I can definitely say that you do need to get out of the house you're in now. Even so don't put yourself in an apartment that you aren't sure you can afford. Stick it out a little longer and see what else coems up, but don't wait too long.

    1. I love you so much, Mich and I am so very sorry for all the terrible things you are going through. I feel so bad I pretened to know how horrible you must feel. I love you, please be good to yourself <3

  12. Yikes, that's a long way to drive to work. I'm guessing public transport isn't exactly bustling in your area?
    The apartment sounds great. I'm glad it all went well. I think it will do you the power of good. I do worry about you being further away from your supports, but as you said yourself, you hate living with your mother. Obviously there's something holding you back, even subconsciously. I can't give any answers, but please don't let it get to the point where you put a bullet in your head. You're too precious to lose.



We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.