Thursday, April 23, 2015

I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are; we're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.


Office work, as I'm sure many of you know, is fraught with a number of unique dangers.

Like manila folders.



Y'all know how a paper cut feels. Paper can do a surprising amount of damage, especially to dry skin.

Any of you ever experience a manila folder cut?

OW.

I've had accidents with kitchen knives that have caused less damage. Once a manila folder got me between my thumb and index finger--it wouldn't heal for weeks.


I'm pretty sure every office has the rogue filing cabinet.


Something gets screwed up in its innards and thus the cabinet won't open and close properly. In one of my old temp jobs, there was a filing cabinet that could only be opened by repeatedly hitting it with a hammer.

In my current office, the rogue filing cabinet will actually try to kill you if you attempt to open the top drawer. It acts like it's going to cooperate at first, and then right when you let your guard down



the freaking thing tries to slit your wrists.


(The metal pulley things upon which the drawer should rest are broken, so at the last second they tend to ricochet right out of the drawer in the general direction of your face.)


The supply closet is just as perilous. We have done the same thing to the supply closet as I have done to most of the closets at home

 Because all three of us in the office are midgets, we cannot reach the two highest shelves, or the top of the filing cabinet. So naturally instead of placing things neatly in those high places, we just throw stuff up there and hope (1) that we will never need to get it down again; and (2) that is stays there on the first try.






Things shift around a bit every time someone opens or closes the door, or opens the filing cabinet drawers, or rearranges the things on the shelves that we can reach until eventually




We keep the hammer in a better place now, hanging on the shelves.



Then there's that one coworker who leaves gross smelly food in the fridge for weeks and ends up making the whole office smell like a sewer.

Idk what it is with gross food smells, but it's like the food left in the fridge or the garbage will lie dormant and odorless for days, and then one morning you open the office door and WHAM you're hit with the stink of a dead body.

Bosslady is constantly leaving food in the office. CONSTANTLY. Bossman has yelled at her for this. I have yelled at her for this. I have thrown 2 sets of [apparently] expensive tupperware into the dumpster. Because NO.


 And yet she still continues to leave disgusting things in the fridge and in the garbage. 


And of course, there's the Russian Mafia.



Which I cannot discuss in detail, or I'd have to kill all of you.

16 comments:

  1. Oh man, I needed a good laugh this morning! 'Reality Check', hah.
    xx

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  2. I deal with a few filing cabinets and I have seen my share of killer ones that refuse to open unless you placate them a certain way. At home I use the "Just pile it on there" method of storing. My cat has knocked things down on more than one occasion. Yet I still use this method.

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  3. I thought Manila Folders was the name of a team that got clobbered in the Phillipines Monkey Toss Olympics.
    Learn something new everyday.

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  4. paper cuts. *shudders*

    oh my fucking gosh. I can only imagine a manila folder cut would be like...well, a hemorrhage. quick! increase the renin! INCREASE THE ADH!

    oh my fuck.

    I'm dying. Mich you suck so much I freakin' love you.

    aw, that poor Pepsi. give it to me. my sinuses are so blocked I won't notice the difference anyway. unless that thing smells like fuckin' ammonia.

    "And of course, there's the Russian Mafia. Which I cannot discuss in detail, or I'd have to kill all of you."

    I fucking love you.

    -Sam Lupin

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  5. PS. you might think that I am unholy or dark or descending from an evil spirit, but I actually actually LOATHE Half-baked. like...

    if it was the last thing on Earth, Percy probably wouldn't touch it. maybe that's why his family thinks he is a git and arrogant. thinking he is superior to the Half-Baked ice-cream, but...er...he prefers his ice-cream fully unbaked. no brownies and chocolates. he loves his brownies, but he absolutely detests that chocolate ice-cream that Ben and Jerry offers with every pint. it's like eating a mountain of chocolate. no. just no.

    "70s themed parties are the best." in that you are correct, my love.

    -Sam Lupin

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  6. Brilliant! I have a co worker who cooks the most unusual things in the microwave for breakfast. The smell is ghastly and skunks up the whole shop! Ew! We also have an 'entity', for lack of a better word, that likes to open the last cash register and the tap in the staff room at odd times for no reason! Going to miss that when we move our premises... NOT!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey...where have you been hiding? :-(

      Delete
    2. Hey, bro! Getting divorced, moving out and trying to keep my head above water, you know/! ;)

      Delete
  7. I had a coworker who opened the top two drawers of a filing cabinet, and it fell on her. Then she cut the tip of finger off in the assembly line. Unlucky.

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  8. Omg i laughed out loud at this post, I really REALLY needed that, you are the best. ^-^
    Mandy xx

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  9. Falling hammers, evil filing cabinets, and the mini-fridge stink of death...that place is a death trap! An accident prone person working there is just a recipe for disaster. Did the hammer actually fall on someone's head? I'd imagine that would be a pretty serious injury. Hope you all get hazard pay.

    When I was a file clerk-before this lovely collection job-I got dozens of paper cuts and staple/paperclip cuts...if I wasn't bleeding at least once a week I wasn't doing my job. There are probably a few important papers filed away that have a small streak of my blood on them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Chris, Thank you for your e-mail...sorry I haven't written back, just wanted you to know it means so much to me

      Delete
  10. Mich,

    I love you, what else can I say, you are brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ah yes, the joy of working in an office. I never had a hammer fall on me, but I did have a coworker that just LOVED to bring in shrimp pad thai every single day, so the entire office would smell like a fish market for about 2 hours every day. It was awful.

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  12. the killer filing cabinet and the 'toss up top' made me laugh. the smells of nasty leftovers... ewww.

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