Friday, April 17, 2015

So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.

It feels like the top half of my spine is attempting to part company with the rest of my body.

The doctors I have visited cannot agree on a diagnosis. One said probably a pinched nerve, the other said maybe muscle spasms. They sent me for x-rays of my neck only, which did not hurt at the time.

These people apparently completed eight years of college.

I lost respect for the first doctor the moment she whipped out the pain scale.

Like are you f**king serious.

Hyperbole and a Half did a much better pain scale, but even with hers I have trouble pinning a number on pain, which is probably why broken limbs have been ignored in the past and I don't notice when I sustain second degree burns whilst cooking.

I have no idea when that happened. I did not notice it until it went all scabby and itchy; all I know is that it is definitely a burn, and that my old doctor may definitely have been correct in his theory that I have some kind of neurological problem. 
My pain scale is more like binary code--there are only two options, 0 and 1.

The back pain went away not long after it got extremely severe, but then it came back in full force yesterday. I shall continue to abuse the muscle relaxers the first doctor gave me until it goes away again. I never filled the prescription for steroids because the side effects make me nervous, and I lost the prescription for physical therapy. I think I'll just go to M.'s shady Chinese masseuse instead.


I have acquired an upright bass. I can't really do anything with it until my friend's husband takes it apart to flip the strings (I'm left handed and as as I already play the bass guitar left handed, I am too dyslexic to learn it right handed), but I've been putzing around with it and holy hand grenades is that thing difficult to play. I didn't pay a lot of money for it though (pretty sure it fell off the back of a truck to be honest), so if I never get very good at it I'm not really concerned.

Lil Bro#2 has decided he would like to master the harmonica (Sam Lupin, you'll appreciate this) and so he has purchased a harmonica and plays it [badly] pretty much non-stop. It's kind of hilarious; wherever you go in Dad's house, if Lil Bro#2 is home, you can hear the faint sounds of the harmonica just playing random notes. He's sort of figured out the beginning of the William Tell Overture [by accident], so hopefully he will get good at it before Stepmom steals it and casts it into the fire.

One of our Russian mobster clients came in today wearing one of these:

It is worth approximately $70,000.00, and can only be repaired in Switzerland.


  1. I really didn't know there was such a thing as a left-hand and a right-hand bass.
    It was only a few years ago that I learned it was more than a fish.

  2. so very sorry about your back pain! laughed at the pain scale, though. :)

  3. Did the pain start before or after trying to play that big ol bass?

    Years ago I had neck pain and they gave me that pain scale, I told him, "It fucking hurts a lot, that's how much it hurts." I had a laminectomy operation two weeks later.

  4. Love the Pain of the dumbest things ever invented. Sorry you hurt so much, hope the meds help a bit at least. My back and knee are "killing" me, I think it's because I got so fat! Looking very lovely with your bass there lady! Love the story about your brother! Your Pain Scale is the best!

  5. Geeze, nice watch. I sooo envy your job!

  6. The pain scale could be helpful to idiots like me. Can I fill it out in crayon and color the faces?

    1. CW Loving the crayon idea. Reminds me of inpatient and filling out the menus-definitely the highlight of the day....hoping you don't think tons less of me!

  7. If I paid that much for a watch I would want it to be an actual person that follows me around and tells me the time whenever I ask them to. Sorry to hear about the pain. I'm not good at putting a number on pain either. I get a lot of back pain and leg pain due to my weight. It's slowly being alleviated but the pain in my left knee seems to not want to go away. I think years of being used as a placeholder for a laptop has done some actual damage. Awesome you got a bass though. Good luck learning how to play it. If you don't get it then you have a very good weapon in case of emergency.

    1. It is now my goal in life to become wealthy enough to hire someone to follow me around and announce the time whenever I ask him. In my head, he is dressed in 18th century livery, complete with powdered wig.

  8. I can't tell if the pain scale is so childish you have no use for it, or if you've had so many injuries and ailments that it is no longer effective. Either way, you should stick with the binary code scale. Make the '1' face a little more troubled and post it in every doctor's office you visit.

    Oooh a stand-up bass! That looks very classy. High-five for lefty flip! Have I ever told you the story of how I "learned" to play guitar? No? Well, here it HS my best friend was a huge fan of Nirvana/Kurt Cobain (lefty, btw) and he wanted to teach me so he said "pick up the guitar, Chris" So I did...exactly as Kurt would. Then he said "put down the guitar, Chris." --as if I had already failed.

    To this date, playing guitar(hero) is the only thing I can do left handed (although I do switch knife/fork hands whilst eating)

    Hope you're feeling better! xo

  9. I hope your pain goes away quickly. Whether they ever figure it out or not. Back pain is a quagmire apparently. I always have some, but usually not enough for anyone to actually do anything about. My family has a history of it, they say it's thanks to our enormous chests. No thanks, I say. Take it away.
    Wow, that watch. I live at the opposite end of the world of that, I cannot even comprehend how a thing you wear on your wrist that tells you what time it is can possible be worth that amount of money. The amount that can buy a house to live inside, or a car to transport you to somewhere. Can the watch also do that? Because if so, I take it all back.
    May I boldly say that it doesn't matter if you ever learn to play that bass b/c you look SO very awesome standing with it! Totally worth it!

  10. Back pain sucks I know, but it sucks worse when you don't know the cause. Poor girl, I hope you're pain-free soon. And those pain. Sclaes are annoying. What do you do for pain that comes and goes?
    Everytime I see a string bass I get the theme from Super Mario Bros 2 in my head. Let's find a cello and violin and make a string quartet!

  11. If I had a business I would only have Russian mobster clients. Also, pain is underrated.

    / Avy

  12. If you were still in the area, I would recommend you to someone who is very good at dealing with these back pain issues and others too. The best thus far.
    Also that watch is beautiful and congrats on the bass.... :)

    I hope you feel better too.


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.