Thursday, March 13, 2014

I've got more guts than I've had guidance; I search for sense, but I find silence

I think my newer cat, Poison Ivy might be slightly *challenged*.

I tried finding an interactive cat intelligence test like that one Hyperbole and a Half used on her dog, but have not found one that will assist in proving my theory.

I love my cat. The fact that she's a little slow makes me love her even more because it makes her more adorable. Like when she gives me that blank stare.

she cannot grasp that counters and tables are not for sitting or sleeping
Or when she displays her total lack of grace and balance.

It always begins with up to 20 seconds of this, complete with strange noises. Ivy makes lots of strange noises.

and miscalculations
and skidding across various surfaces
and lots of flailing

I'll just say that it's a good thing she seems to have a rock-hard skull. 

She likes sleeping in the dryer.

She really likes sleeping in sinks, too. Not sure why.

(She used to fit in the sink, before she got really fat.)

and steal my breakfast
Now, not so much.

This one time, Poison Ivy set herself on fire.

Ivy, despite her size, is still basically a child. She wants to play, so she while I'm doing my makeup, she does everything in her power to get my attention. Usually this means playing fetch.

Not kidding--she'll bring me her fav toy (twistie-ties from the bin bags) and I'll throw it into the other room, and then she'll run and chase it and bring it back so I can throw it again.

And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

If she gets bored doing that or if I take too long throwing the twistie-tie, she'll jump up on the counter to knock all my makeup onto the floor.

Sometimes I leave scented candles on the lid of the toilet while I'm doing my makeup, so my bathroom can smell like a pine forest.

I have tried demonstrating to Ivy that flames = burning, but she has failed to grasp this. Instead of going floor-->toilet seat-->counter, this one Saturday she decided to stay on the toilet seat and sit there.

And she sat on the candle.

I heard a sizzling, crackling sound and looked down

and Ivy's tail was on fire.

And Ivy was just standing there while I shrieked and panicked, like she had no idea why I was flipping out.

Thankfully, she has thick enough fur that the fire was extinguished with no injuries. Burning cat hair is a truly horrific stench.



  1. Omg, I shouldn't laugh at a cat on fire, but I've got cats too and, well, yeah. Slow is such a polite word.

  2. Oh my god, she is too adorable for words. 'Slow' cats are the cutest cats. I can't believe she didn't realize her tail was on fire! Poor little muffin.

  3. I kid you not, a friend of mine texted me that the very same thing happened to her cat today! The only difference being that the scented candle was on her daughter's workspace, and the cat likes to be involved in the schoolwork. I asked if she then "ran through the fields of the Phillistines". And told her my dog laughed.

  4. She is very, very pretty...she does not have to be smart.

  5. Pip fell asleep on a big pillow and rolled right off my (very tall) bed last night. I have no helpful hints :P

  6. That poor kitty. I'm so glad she escaped unscathed. Hopefully she won't sit on a candle again any time soon. She looks adorable sat in the sink. They generally sit in anything they'll fit in. Mine used to sit in the bathtub until she learned it might be filled with a lot of water.

  7. i need a slow cat. mine is a fast asshole.
    look at that kitty. cute little asshole.
    "she cannot grasp that counters and tables are not for sitting or sleeping" no cat can. i think we're doing it wrong and they're doing it right.
    that cat is starting to remind me of myself. especially with the skidding and flailing. i am the cat.
    really fat cat. yeah. me. xD
    ahahahaha. omg. the cat set herself on fire.
    "Burning cat hair is a truly horrific stench." that's for giving me the heads up. i always wanted to oxidise my cat.

    -Sam Lupin

  8. Awww cute kitty. The dumb ones do seem cuter. My own challenged cat could be Ivy's twin brother. They look so alike!
    And it's so cute after the flailing, the way they shake themselves off with that "it was deliberate" face like they're daring you to contradict them.

  9. Ink used to do that with pretty much anything. His favourite was a scrunched-up receipt.

    Awwww, silly kitty. She'd be lost without you!


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