Monday, January 27, 2014

How to Drive on the Palisades Parkway Between Exits 4 and 18


1. First and foremost, you will need to hone your tailgating skills. There will be a test. If you cannot remain exactly 3 inches away from the bumper of the car in front of you while going at least 75 miles per hour, you will need to go back and study some more, or get the hell out of the fast lane.


2. The speed limit is between 80 and 90 miles per hour. We know the signs say 55, but really it's 80 - 90.


3. Do not drive below 65. Seriously.


4. If you must drive below 65, get the hell out of the fast lane. Refuse and you will be TAILGATED TO DEATH.


5. Do not remain behind a school bus. Forget the speed limit, just get around and in front of the school bus. Always. The safety of small children be damned.


6. Do not f*ck with the army trucks. You will lose.


7. Sometimes, there are idiots. 




General tailgating does not work on these specific types of idiots. You'll need to step up your aggression. You need to run the idiot off the road or die trying. If you are not aggressive enough, or not gifted in the art of tailgating, learn to observe the cars behind you and identify the driver best suited to this task. Move over and let that driver get directly behind the idiot, so that said driver can run the idiot off the road. Or at least, into the slow lane.

It's the most fun when the cops do this. They are the the best at it.


8. Speaking of the cops, don't worry too much about getting pulled over for speeding. It does not happen very often, as the Palisades Parkway Police are far too busy cleaning up car accidents. Simply memorize their favourite hiding spots, and remember to observe the cars in front of you for sudden inexplicable braking.


9. You will also need to memorize the locations of the extreme pot holes. Because those pot holes will not get fixed for at least the next 12 months, and they will only get more and more extreme until they are large and deep enough to flip your car. (I've seen this happen; it's terrifying.)


10. Traffic always backs up around Exit 9, because Thruway drivers do not know how to merge properly. Proceed with caution. Learn to shake your fist with gusto.

15 comments:

  1. I think a lot of those rules can be applied to most roads. I've not actually driven much but I've been a passenger long enough to know tailgating is always acceptable and highly encouraged. Everyone loves tailgaters.

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  2. There must be a lot of BMW's on that road.

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  3. I see Blogger would not show your post this morning either.

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  4. Around here everyone just drives in the shoulder well past the merge point, then flips you off when you don't want to slam on your brakes to let them cut you off last minute.

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  5. now imagine if you had to add prison buses to that. My commute could be its own relaity show.

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  6. I'm with Francis. I'm the kind of guy with purposely drives slower when tailgated.

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  7. I'm looking forward to the advent of driverless cars. Human error is too error-prone.

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  8. Are you sure you're not talking about driving on the Belt Parkway in NY? They sound exactly the same!

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  9. "The speed limit is between 80 and 90 miles per hour. We know the signs say 55, but really it's 80 - 90."

    sounds like most of the highways here in Mass. :/

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    1. Don't even get me started on Massachusetts drivers

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  10. Hahaha...you're pictures show highways of the multiple lane nature. Ummm....we have those about 45 minutes from here.
    'Round these parts the only thing we're tailgating is a John Deere tractor. ROFL. True!!

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    1. UUGGHHHHHHHH getting stuck behind a tractor is the WORST!!!!

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  11. "9. You will also need to memorize the locations of the extreme pot holes." THIS IS DUNEDIN. YES THIS. If you can't afford a vibrator, head down Fingal St at 50km/hr and prepare for your spine to be forced up into your head. . . Yeah you're actually better off sticking to the spin cycle on the washing machine.

    NOBODY ANWHERE KNOWS HOW TO MERGE AND IT DRIVES ME FUCKING NUTS.

    I accidentally you some more embroidery thread from Needle'N'Thread today. Was thinking Poison Ive and Harleyquinn colours. (The characters, not your cats) Then got myself a massive bag of fibre from my favourite Invercargill dyers. Oh dear. Let me know when you're back in Underhill so it's safe to post to you ^.^

    LOVE YOU MICH!

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  12. I love your blog
    followed
    http://minimaysi.blogspot.co.uk/

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