Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Try not to make a noise in the bathroom, dear.

Lil Sis and I went to Kohl's on Saturday. She wanted to get some working out clothes in an attempt to motivate herself to actually workout. I tagged along as Kohl's is extremely cheap, and at this point nearly all of my clothes have holes in them or are just completely falling apart.*

So I grabbed some autumn/winter shirts to try on, and some sweaters and tank tops because you can never have too many sweaters or tank tops, especially if you can find tank tops without the stupid built-in "bra." As I would be wearing most of those shirts with my black jeans once the weather stops sucking, I also grabbed a pair of black jeans in the juniors section so I could see how the shirts would look with black jeans.

Trying on clothes in a shop should not be a big deal. But when you have suffered an eating disorder, trying on clothes in a shop is a big f**king deal. It can be about as traumatic an experience as an ex-soldier who suffers from PTSD suddenly hearing gunshots outside his house.

Approximately 15 seconds after entering the changing room, I tried to put on the black jeans. Mudd jeans, size 3.

They were too small.

THEY

WERE

TOO

EFFING

SMALL.



I almost had a total meltdown in the dressing room at Kohl's.

It was downhill from there. Nothing fit. I looked like a frigging beluga in every shirt I tried on.


 Nothing can unravel your sanity quite like trying on new clothes, because it is a surefire way to discover precisely how fat you have gotten.

Lil Sis tried to console me by telling me over and over again that I can't really judge myself based on the number on a pair of skinny jeans made for teenage girls. I understand the sense in this, but it doesn't help. I'm too fat for size 3 jeans. This is catastrophic. This is one of the worst things that could ever happen. I should be taken out back and shot like a rabid dog.

I realize that I am being ridiculous, I really do. But knowing that and dealing with it are two different things.

On a day-to-day basis, I wear long skirts, or sweatpants that are a few sizes too big. The skirts do not have a size. This past winter, I started wearing jeans again, and even that was a major accomplishment because the four pairs of jeans that I own are Express size 2, which would have sent me over the edge a few years ago and been categorized as "fat pants," but are now "safe."

3 in juniors/teens sizes is pushing it. 5 = death.

The response I get from voicing this is fairly unanimous across the board: "Shut the f**k up, at least you can still squeeze yourself into a 3; I can't even fit in [insert ##], etc etc etc"

so I do my best to swallow the despair and keep quiet, because the last thing I want to do is make someone else feel badly about their body. Lil Sis hovers between sizes 4 and 6 (or 5 and 7 in juniors), but I don't look at her and think she's fat. She has an amazing figure. She looks like she paid ten figures for her boobs. (In our family Lil Sis definitely wins at boobs). Lil Sis looks amazing.

Why the helllllllllllllll can't I look at myself the same way I look at other people??

I spent the rest of the weekend in a state of intense agitation. As a result of this stress, my digestive system is now in open rebellion. And because the ED monster was awoken in the Kohl's dressing room, instead of taking the medication that would settle my stomach issues, I'm just letting the IBS run rampant because I know it's making me lose weight. It's not the kind of weight loss that will stay off, but it makes me feel better.

Feeling happy and comforted in a state of digestive agony and extreme dehydration should not happen. It goes against all of the laws of nature.

But sure just eat something, your eating disorder isn't really an Illness now is it.


IN OTHER NEWS I am getting pretty good at playing the Rains of Castamere on the upright bass with the bow. A video of this may be forthcoming.













*I can't sew very well, but I can embroider, and embroidering techniques will make repairs to clothes last much longer.

18 comments:

  1. Between discounts, coupons and other specials, it almost seems like they give you money plus the clothes at the Kohls check out counter.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Girl I know how you feel
    I have been there
    But if you are a U.S. Size 3'
    Then that is still pretty tiny
    Very tiny in fact
    But I know a weight flip out can happen at any weight
    Deep breathes chicken
    That number means nothing
    Not. A. Thing
    You are too awesome to measure your worth by the label on an item of clothing x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Laurie has the problem in reverse. Most manufacturers apparently think anyone of her height is built like a twig. Even when she was younger and lighter, she had trouble finding things that fit let alone be flattering. So I'm sure she'd say, "Trust me, it's not you."

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Nothing can unravel your sanity quite like trying on new clothes, because it is a surefire way to discover precisely how fat you have gotten." aye, i get what you mean, BUT you are not fat. i have not noticed your body changing in any way, and even if it had, it's just a bunch of clothes. it doesn't matter.

    something someone once told me that made me feel happy is that you should never strive to have an item of clothing fit for you. the reasons that there are so many sizes and different cuts for a reason. you find what's flattering for you, for your figure at that time.

    i think i used to bash myself lots when something didn't end up looking the way i wanted it to. but it's not my fault or my body's fault. a lot of clothes tend to look super flattering on me, but a lot of them don't. don't let your head get too stuck on sizes. they don't really matter. we'd love you no matter what the size on your pants say.

    by the way, Ruby is right. a US 3 or 5 or whatever is pretty effin' small.

    "Lil Sis tried to console me by telling me over and over again that I can't really judge myself based on the number on a pair of skinny jeans made for teenage girls." MADE. FOR. TEENAGE. GIRLS.

    "Lil Sis hovers between sizes 4 and 6 (or 5 and 7 in juniors), but I don't look at her and think she's fat. She has an amazing figure." <--see. that. there. my sister has been the reason for me accepting my body. she has quite a few pounds on me (more like +20lbs or even more), but her figure is absolutely extraordinary. i refuse to even think that she needs to lose weight. it actually physically makes me sick at the thought of her losing even a few lbs.

    i think that our ideas on the matter of how our body looks like matter the least. we probably think we are so much bigger than we are, but we are not.

    "Feeling happy and comforted in a state of digestive agony and extreme dehydration should not happen. It goes against all of the laws of nature." *gives you a look* Miiiiiiiiiiich... what u doing?

    take care of yourself, love. if you let yourself even look down the rabbit hole, you might find yourself spiraling far down.

    you do not need to lose a bleeding pound. you are pretty perfect.



    -Sam Lupin

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've tried my whole life to stop relating to other people. It's not impossible but very difficult.

    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com




    ReplyDelete
  6. Personally, I can't stand those tank tops with the built in sports bra. They make me look so...lumpy.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've given up on trying clothes on in store. I would actually rather make the extra trip to exchange it if it doesn't fit than have a public breakdown.

    "Shut the f**k up, at least you can still squeeze yourself into a 3; I can't even fit in [insert ##], etc etc etc"
    This just reminds me of those people who say "If you think you're fat, you must think I'm obese!". I wish they would see it as "I can't fit in [insert status quo size]" instead of just "3".

    We should start a petition - Boycott the Built-in Bra. Yes? Yes? You can't even cut the bloody things out.

    <3
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. I like the built-in bra. I wear it with a bra because I hate having my nipples stick out. Cover up those little sticky outy things as much as possible. As someone who had an eating disorder as a youngster, I empathize with you. My weight remains a touchy subject, and I hate all the attention paid to Kim Kardashian's butt. I shop online and only buy things on clearance. If they don't fit, then I give them to Goodwill and take the tax deduction.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  9. Other people are probably going to offer more practical and useful advice than me, but I would say don't let other people comparing themselves to you stop you from letting this kind of thing out. Their problems are their problems and yours are yours. They should shut the eff up about it. Sis has a good point too. There's nothing wrong with not being able to fit in a pair of skinny jeans made for a teenage girl who probably shouldn't be able to fit into them anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm semi-glad I äm not the only one who lets IBS sort of help out with weight loss sometimes. The things we do to our poor bodies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I äm" should be "I am". Pronounced the same, though.

      Delete
    2. I quite like the "am" with umlaut!

      Delete
  11. I only buy my clothes online and even then half them don't fit me!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Great Post! How about follow each other on GFC and Google+? If yes, follow me and i follow back as soon as i see it. Let me know with a comment on my Blog

    Keep in Touch xx Veronica from Ukraine
    http://veronica-mangojuice.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  13. great post!
    GFC you want to follow and keep in touch?
    let me know and I follow back!
    http://www.mosaictrends.com/

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'll second what CW said. My wife is of the hourglass variety, and under 5 feet tall. At that height, everyone assumes she's built like a 12 year old boy. Because of that, she either busts out of everything she wears like The Incredible Hulk (had he breasts or hips) or has to buy a larger size and look like a little kid swimming in her clothes.

    In other words, all this time has passed and the fashion industry still doesn't understand women's bodies, no matter what shape or size.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Yeah. Who'd want to be 14 again. Poor darlings. I'm happy to let them have their tiny, cheap fashions as a consolation prize. Xoxo shelby

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh yes. I totally have been there. The thing people don't understand is how traumatic it is to go from a size 0 to a size 4 when you have been a size 0 forever and a day. I don't really let it get to me much anymore because it is what it is. I know I can't ever be that size again and that's the way it has to be.
    I still am convinced all stores have funhouse mirrors in the dressing rooms tho. Like I always look super disgusting in those things.

    ReplyDelete

We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.