Monday, December 16, 2013

You son of a perverse and rebellious woman!

The thing with the boy upstairs isn't going anywhere because he's definitely not interested, which should not surprise me because he's a genuinely nice guy and at this point in life I know that no genuinely nice guy is going to like me EVER because they never ever ever do, so let's pretend that last post never happened.

Confession time. (...and ED trigger warning from this point on...)

I feel like an epic fail. 

But if I can't be honest with all y'all, there's no point in this blog, right?

I have stopped eating again. 

This built up over time, I guess. The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I woke up suicidally depressed for no reason (that I could think of), and I have ridden a roller coaster of mucky emotions since then. That whole week, I got more and more cranky and depressed until it came to a head on that Friday, at which time I went home to my apartment and tore down all of my Christmas decorations, throwing most of them into the bin. 

This used to be my favourite time of year. I LIVE for Christmas. 

I couldn't let the depression take over again. I can't go back to that--living every day like a zombie, hating everything, spending most of my time contemplating different ways to end my life. It was a f*cking nightmare and I'm not doing it again. 

Not eating stops the extreme depression. 

It's a different demon this time, though. I still haven't weighed myself, so I have no clue how much weight I've lost. I know I've lost weight, though. My bones are starting to stick out and my size 0 jeans are baggy. 

My boobs are gone. It's very sad.

I try to eat, but I just ........can't. Went out to dinner with M. last night to the Texas Roadhouse--which I love and which has delicious food--and I ate maybe 5 little pieces of onion blossom, and like 2 bites of my steak. I felt really guilty, too, because M. (we've shared ED's for years) has been doing really well, but last night he hardly ate anything and I feel like it's because I wasn't eating. (He did eat later; we had some smokey treats and then he ate all the leftovers.)

Stepmom keeps inviting me over for dinner and I keep making excuses, but now today is Dad's birthday so I know I can't blow her off this week, and so I'm terrified. 

Mumsy wants me to go out to dinner one night this week, and I'm twice as terrified of that. I can get away with not eating in front of Stepmom (and Dad's not an issue because he's totally oblivious to anything I say and do), but Mumsy knows all my tricks. She's also psychic, and according to Lil Sis, has been secretly monitoring my weight every time she sees me because she "has a feeling" something is wrong.

I don't want help. (Not that I could afford it even if I did want help...) To start eating again, you need to want to do it. And I don't. I'm just not hungry. Not for food, at least.

I just don't know.  

19 comments:

  1. I know how you feel as far as wanting to need help before you can be helped. I can't say I have much experience in eating disorders though. I don't think you should assume that the nice boy isn't interested in you. Nice boys are interested in all types. Maybe a nice boy could even be a big help right now. In any case, find what it is that's depressing you and conquer that. You've been in this place before and you know you can get out of it. When you want to that is. Rushing things could probably make them worse. It's a very precarious situation. Personally I'd like you to be happy and healthy though.

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  2. I want to say something encouraging to help you through your difficult time, but I don't know what to say, or how I could help. So I'll stay silent on it and just hope you feel better soon.

    Don't feel to bad about loosing your boobs, its better to be a woman with no boobs then a man with boobs... (like me!) and I hope you have a reason for thinking the nice boys not into you and not just cause he's not doing something you think he'd do if he liked you.

    Also I made a blog post for you, I hope you check it out. I think you'll like it.

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  3. Guy upstairs just got out of a long-term relationship. If he were interested in you that way right now, you'd be a rebound for him to bounce off of anyway. So. Consider it a blessing and if, after he's done getting over his ex and bouncing off of some other bitch, you still like him...try then.

    I'm sad to hear directly that you are staving off depression by not eating...they are both equally shitty states of being. To start eating again you don't necessarily have to want to do it, you just have to be totally tired of being strung along on that bullshit ride. You eat not because you desire to eat, but to say "fuck you" to the inevitable circus of misery that comes with not eating.

    You don't have to want help to need it. You need it. If your mom offers it...you should take it.

    <3

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  4. *sits dumbly and tries to formulate a helpful thought*

    The trouble with maladaptive coping mechanisms is just that... they help you cope. Even if the results are just as big a mess as what you're avoiding. My ED has me in a vice grip right now. This is the first year I've had major ED undercurrent in my head interrupting holiday meals. It's total shit.

    Maybe it isn't that nice guys aren't into you, maybe it's that nice guys aren't into jumping you when they don't really know you yet and it wouldn't be something real and he respects that you live in the same space and it would be complicated? Maybe approach him when one or the other of you is about to move away...

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  5. kazehana makes some very good points.

    I know nothing of ED, but if beating it is anywhere as hard as quitting smoking and quitting drinking, then I do know how difficult it can be. I also know that fixing it has to come from you. You have to want to eat, and nothing anyone says to you will help. You know what you need to do, but you do need to want to do it.

    People do care...Hell, I don't even know you and I care!

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  6. Sorry to hear this girl, I hope you can get over this!

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  7. i'm so sorry to hear this dear Mich. i too "sit dumbly and try to think of something to say".

    Please know how much i care and am in "the shits" too. sorry to always make things all about me.

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  8. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I can't. All I can do is write fart jokes and post dopey ass pictures. Maybe you'd feel better with a laugh? And the knowledge that, no matter how bleak things are, you aren't some dork who takes a picture of himself on a toilet.
    Feel well!

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  9. I'm sorry to hear about this. I wish I could offer you some advice, but I've not been through anything like this. My sister had an eating disorder when she was a teenager (I say "had", but it's not really something that ever goes away), but she found a course of anti depressants really helped her. Do you know exactly what triggered it?

    Hope you start to feel better soon.

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  10. I am saddened to read this and my heart goes out to you, Mich. I hope things start looking brighter soon. Hugs to you.

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  11. oh mich i am so sorry. i never know what to say/suggest in these situations. i want to wrap you in a hug. i think you should reach out to your mum. even though it may not be what you want, it's what you need. and talking to someone can really help, and maybe give some perspective. idk, i'm sorry, mich.

    keep your head up, darling x

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  12. This is horrible, I too wish I could provide some form of help and advice but I do hope things start looking up for you soon.

    If it's any consolidation, I'm still single. And at the rate things are going, I'm probably going to be single for a long time. Meanwhile my ex is off with her doctor boyfriend...

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  13. That kind of thing happens to me all the time. I'm depressed or worried for no reason, and then i either binge to hell and back or starve myself raw. It's an awful cycle, but i know how it feels. You kind of want to not do it... but at the same time you feel the absolute, dire need to continue doing it. *hugs* Sending you love and support in whatever you decide to do.

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  14. Problem is, most stereotypically nice guys wouldn' t know how to handle a BAMF like you. You need Avengers Initiative kind of awesomeness. They're hard to find, so naturally it's taking a while.

    Not eating so the hunger feelings swallows the sads. Eating gives you energy to feel, to feel the badsadmad awfulness that will eat you alive.

    I fucking know.

    There isn't anything I can say or do, but I want to come bury you in kittens. For that I need your postal address for the Hobbit Hole *hinthintstilldontknow*

    Love you, Dragonmich. Burn the darkness down.

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  15. I was just telling Bella the same thing over on her blog. For me, the way I am making it through this Christmas is "fake it till you make it." Going through the motions CAN help. I hope you find some new decorations, have a bit of eggnog, turn on Elf, and absorb a bit of cheer. The holidays are such a weird time like that… so much happiness that manages to bring dark feelings to the surface at the same time?

    Also, when a) I am back in the USA after the 1st of the year and b) it's not snowpocalypsing outside, do you want to try and finally make plans to get together?

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  16. I really HATE to tell you this Mich and i KNOW i shouldn't..................................................but i wish i wee like you and not thr FAT PIG i am..............................................i am so sorry...................

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  17. Ah those times when not eating is the lesser of two evils. A way to cope against something worse. Many of us have been there.

    Remember that you are loved. Maybe we all need to glitterbomb you? I still have that glittery heart necklace you sent out to so many of us. You said in the note that evveryone could use a bit of glitter.

    You are a very good person. You do nice things and you make the world a bit brighter. Your books are still by my bed, especially Tale of Fairies, like a literature teddy bear.
    You are worth saving. Please hang on. I <3 you

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  18. P.S.
    Massive overdue comment-reply

    Ugh names are HARD. I'm making it a bit easier for myself by having naming rules for the various species/cultures/countries and when I'm bored I'll mash a bunch of random words through them to create name lists. Not that I've had much time to do that. Evreth's two tagalongs need names. FML.

    You still tried! You're still a NaNo-er :D

    I was built to be a nightowl. I only ever become a morning person very reluctantly or through PMS. (Sadistic fucking ovaries) I take zopiclone when I'm utterly desperate for sleep. I don't get it very often though. They don't prescribe it to me regularly since it's addictive AND I have a habit of stockpiling shit to OD on -.-;

    Maybe I should move to America? We're such a fucking backwater here for technology and infrastructure it's not even funny.

    I'm seriously worried, but so long as she can keep herself safe I'm not going to call EPS. Alcohol is a really bad idea for people with BiPolar, it negates any good your meds are doing and sends you all over the fucking place. (Also: Liver issues)

    New Who had me at "Nice to meet you. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" then lost me at the second episode of Season 5. Moffat is a fuckstick, end of story. Old Who is something I have yet to see much of, but I like what I've seen so far. OMG if I cosplay lady!Nine you could borrow my laser screwdriver and cosplay an evil-as-fuck Lady!Master. . . YES YES YES CAN WE DO THIS PLEASE?!? I'll cosplay whoever you like in return *Puppydog eyes*

    Augh SPOILERS, MICH! I haven't read A Dance With Dragons yet D: Yeah I noticed that trend though. Martin writes good women, but defaults back to cultural schemas when it gets to the hormones. UGH. It was sad to see Cersei and Kat get nerfed. Now I'm dreading that with Dany :(

    I want my stories to be as perfect as I can get them. So I'll never be fully satisfied XD I just want to share EVERYTHING about this world and explore it with people. Discover more things. Nerd out over random shit and hear interesting theories. (Dad is SO WRONG about how the army gets into the Dragon City, btw. He thinks they're climbing in. WRONG!) The day I see a sub-section on Fanfiction.net or AO3 dedicated to the world I'll know I've done something right.

    Something random: Have you considered seasonal affective disorder as a possible trigger of The Sads? It's winter up there right now, was it winter last time the sadz dogpiled you? /wild hypothesising.

    Sending warm cat-belly snuggled from Dralion and e-hugs from bottom of the world <3

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  19. Please be okay Mich...i love you



    Hugs, tacy

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We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.