Tuesday, January 29, 2013

if only I could catch my death; just give me long enough to fear it

Recently I've heard a couple people discussing the topic of the "privileged" (upper/middle class, 1st world country dwellers, whatever you want to call us) and their depression, and how we have no right to be depressed because of all we have. It makes many of us feel incredibly guilty when we DO get depressed because there's people out there living in war-torn villages or starving or dying of horrific diseases we get vaccinated against or just having a super crappy time in general and yet here we are sitting in our homes with electricity and clean water and jobs and money

and yet we spend half the day contemplating how pleasant it would be to just drop dead.

I wonder sometimes if it is this lifestyle that saps some of us of the will to live. We have been given too much and no longer know how to appreciate the things that matter. So those things we take for granted--food, shelter, health--have no meaning anymore.

So yeah I know I shouldn't be depressed because I have so much while so many others have feckall, but that does not negate the fact that I am indeed depressed.

No one likes feeling depressed.

(Ummm.....duh?)

Hyperbole & a Half did a pretty good post about how it can just sneak up on you, lodge itself firmly in your brain, and by the time you've realized it's there, 'tis too late--you're pretty much suicidal already and so deep in your hermit-hood you can't see any way out of it, and you don't even WANT to get out.

I no longer see a way out of this. I don't even remember how it started. I've never felt so suicidal in my life. But since I feel like I'm in hell already, I'm too chickenshite to off myself in case there really is a hell and it somehow sucks worse than how I feel right now. Even heaven scares me because I don't want an afterlife of any kind, at all.

My shrink wants me to meditate. My doctor gives me anti-anxiety medication. My mother tells me I'm ridiculous. My sister tells me things will get better.* I don't talk to my father about this because as far as Daddy Dearest is concerned, I am The Stupid One, so there's just no point.

I realized recently that all these things have been piling up for months and months and months, like this giant boiling cauldron of depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety and RAGE. I feel like I'm shut in a room that's getting smaller and smaller and smaller and there's no doors or windows by which to escape.

Know what happens when you take that magic potion and throw in a bunch of xanax every day?

You get the mental shitestorm, but your feelings of caring about having or not having that mental shitestorm go away.

So basically, you embrace the anger and depression instead, and you lose the ability to feel anxious because xanax is awesome like that.

I feel like I'm two seconds away from going on a killing spree. All the time.

I spend huge chunks of time every day fantasizing about throwing some stuff and my cat into the car and just driving driving driving until I'm so far away from home there is no possibility of being recognized or found, and then I'll just disappear. Take on a new name and start a new life as a different person.

Because running away solves everything, right?

But the xanax keeps me from homicide and suicide and running away. I think.

I am teetering on an edge. Hanging by a thread. Each day is just a little harder than the last. Part of me wants to just let go and fall. Go as crazy as I feel and get locked up and sedated and left to rot in the loony bin.

I'm sorry for being such a debbie downer today. Everything just looks so bleak and I have nowhere else to vent all of this.




*Seriously the next person in my family who tells me "things will get better" gets stabbed in all their major organs in alphabetical order with a blunt machete.


24 comments:

  1. Hun, thanks so much for your comment. It meant a lot, these were some of the right words at the very right moment.

    The more shocked I was to find your recent post. I so do not want you to feel like this. And what is this supposed to mean: “too privilege to be depressed”? Are people asked if they are too privileged to get a tumour? Are people with other illnesses ever told to get over and done with it? I do not understand that is it still not generally known that this is an illness and a potentially lethal one.

    And that feeling of packing up everything and leaving – just to start new, completely new – I know this so well. But remember this – this is energy, this idea of running away is still an embodiment of indeed being alive and – silly as it sounds – of hope. Please do hold on, run away start new (I have been contemplating this for almost two years now) but please do hold on. You are beautiful and witty and so intelligent and super funny.. Your writing is great and I wish you had a regular column of some sort that you were paid for properly and … aww …Mich. If the worst comes to the worst get into the car and hit the road. I might join you.(metaphorically or literally who knows, if nothing is right anymore somehow anything becomes possible). We might even turn this into the novel that really needs to be written.

    Love,

    Loulou

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  2. It's true enough that we get depressed, and it probably is to do with how much stuff we have. Part of me really hates the people who say things like "You have no right to be depressed, at least you have x", because it doesn't matter that I have such and such, I'm still depressed. Right now I am pretty depressed. I'm sorry to hear you're so depressed too but sadly killing sprees don't really solve anything. A fresh start might however. It's not running away, it's getting a new start. Maybe you should consider moving out and finding somewhere else to live.

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  3. I wish I knew what to say. :( I also wish you didn't feel guilty about feeling this way, because it's not like it's something you can control. It really is an illness, sometimes a crippling illness.

    Hang in there sweetness. <3 <3

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  4. Don't stab people with machetes. It's not worth the jail time, Mich. Other than that, I'm not sure what to say. Depression is that fuck all state of mind, and honestly, it doesn't discriminate between the "haves and the have nots" or so to say. Some people do live in war torn countries, and yet, some people suffer from something like depression, or any mental illness every day. Everything ends eventually though; wars, depression, et. It just might take a while, and sometimes, even the little battles that truly are great in the sense of self matter on a more personal level.
    I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your problems are perfectly legitimate and that eventually, it will become better (don't stab me with a machete)... Hug your cat and maybe write it out?
    I hope you feel better.

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  5. I understand what you're saying about feeling guilty when you realise that people have it way worse off than us yet aren't depressed yet at the same time Mich you have to realise that depression is an illness. Like you say, none of us wish for depression. Being depressed is an illness that inflicts us and causes us to feel things we shouldn't. It sucks reading that you're at such a low ebb right now because I know how hard it feels, I know the sting and that's from me worrying about my grandma, not being likeable enough in work and whatever latest girl I crush on who doesn't crush on me back and that's ridiculous and just not right.

    I think that it's a good idea to continue on your Xanax, just anything that'll make you feel better even if it's all but a temporary solution. Remember that you're moving out of Winter and the nights are getting longer and that'll help. My mum once told me when I'm depressed to just remember that how I feel today is not how I'll feel in the future and honestly that's so true. Hopefully you're okay Mich, I really hope that you don't have this fall and don't go anywhere, remember we're all here, we all love you and want to support you.

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  6. Dear Mich,

    Even though i don't know your exact situation, i know how dark life is....and especially how NO ONE understands. i wish you would load up your cats and come here to where i am in SLC with my mum and keep me company in my own hell. i am so sorry, i don't mean to take away from you, i ALWAYS do that, i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry.

    So much love to you.

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  7. Seriously, those "things will get better " people" should F@%k off!

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  8. i sit here at the computer and cry while listening to the Cowboy Junkies singing and think about how i loved life....when i was 12 or so.......Mich, if ever there was a time i wished i could do some thing, anything to help you, this is it. But, as always, i am at a loss...because i am too damn stupid....i want to help you sooooooooooooooooooooo much. Try to remember how much you are loved and admired....i know how hard that must be at this time...i don't know what else to say except to say i love you and please hang on.

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    Replies
    1. YOU ARE NOT STUPID. And don't be sorry. Never be sorry, not to me. You never have to apologize for anything to me. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

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  9. *whispers* things will get better...

    Ok, that's not helpful, but it is true. Either naturally over time the depression will run its own course like a virulent cold, OR with work from you it'll lift enough for you to come out from under its oppression. And I do mean work.

    Depression is an illness, yes. But it's an illness that grows and breeds in a mind which has given in to the endless cycle/circles of hopeless thoughts and useless mantras. Pick a thing, a goal, a purpose and then do it. The doing of it will make the depression less crushing as you are distracted by the doing...but it's better if the doing is not about you. In other words, volunteer...pick a charity, pick a hospital, pick a shelter, pick a cause. Pick something bigger than you and use your time to share in human togetherness.

    I think...and this is super nerdy...the most profound thing to me about reading The Dispossessed is the concept in it that you are nothing, have nothing, except yourself and the bond between people is the shared experience of pain. Pain becomes brotherhood if people come together and share it rather than pushing away.

    Share your hurt. Share someone else's hurt. It'll give you the support you need while you support someone else in need.

    Don't feel guilty. Just don't give up. I personally am not too fond of the idea of a life after death, myself...but the best way to work up the courage to confront that idea is to keep living. Keep going.

    We're with you in spirit.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
    <3

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  10. I hope you climb out of this pit of dispair soon. Or the walls just magically disintegrate. Or you fly a unicorn with a tatt on its ass out of it. Something. It is an awful state of mind to wallow in. Maybe start a gratitude list? 3 things a day that go well or you are thankful for? Sometimes taking note of a few positive things can lift the weight from your heart even for a moment.

    Or just drink wine and whine, it's what I like to do.

    <3

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  11. Nothing wrong with running away. I moved 800km to run away. and i'm about to do it again. be a gypsy with me. we'll roam the earth.

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    1. YES, let's go!! I always wanted to be a gypsy.

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  12. im sorry you feel like this, love. i wish i could help, but im stuck in the same hole. i frequently think about running away. it might be fun... for a little while. or maybe a long while. who knows, ive yet to grow the balls and do it.

    do something you enjoy, pamper yourself for a day. you deserve it.

    stay lovely. <3

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  13. Um, NO. Those people can go fuck themselves. No. That 'others have it worse so you can't feel bad' hypothesis is flawed and I cannot listen to that kind of utterly stupid bullshit without rageing out like the hulk. I cannot of BELIEVE they still spew nonsense like that and think that it will somehow help the situation! How fucking ignorant can you get?!?

    IT IS A FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH OUR BRAINS THAT WE CANNOT HELP THAT MAKES US LIKE THIS. WE CAN MANAGE IT AND IMPROVE IT BUT WE CANNOT SIMPLY CHOSE TO 'THINK HAPPY' AND 'FEEL BETTER'.

    When people spew bullshit like that directly at me I tend to point out that I already KNOW those things and it makes me feel WORSE and ask them if they're going to do anything constructive to try to fix either situation (Poverty OR lack of resources for mentally ill) and if they aren't then they can STFU because they have no right to comment on situations they won't do anything to change.

    They are also 'privileged' enough to have a NORMAL brain and NORMAL brain chemistry, and you could call them out for having 'Abelist' privilege and mental illness denial at the same time, if you felt so inclined as to fight dirty ;)

    Fuck yes, the next time Mum tells me to 'just get over it' or Dad asks when I'll be off meds forever I'm going on a blunt-object impaling rampage. We can go on a car trip all around your continent. I've never been able to drive to another country before, it will take at least 5 border crossings for the novelty to wear off.

    I hope this gives you a modicum of amusement:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GIK-4Tawc0

    Got one more set of armwarmers to do then I can post you some small woolly things. Next week payday is my posting target. Hats are sheep, armthings are acrylic because they'll probably get washed more and need to be sturdier.

    Look after yourself as much as you can. The only constant in life is change, but I don't know how it works. You're fucking amazing and I love you to bits and I'd really hate to never get to meet you. I had a dream where I met you once but there were so many other people there I didn't get to talk to you much.

    Arohanui, Amazing Mich <3

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  14. So if you are magically happy, there will be no poverty in the world, right? Right? You know, the way if every child in the U.S. cleans their plate at dinner, there will be no hunger in the world. Because it like, totally works like that.

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  15. I get you. Life sometimes really sucks. But I don't think I would consider suicide because I'm just too stubborn-I want to see how this life turns out. Probably crapping in a bag and unable to remember to put pants on. As long as I still have my mind though, I will...uh...um...now what was I saying?
    Anyway, I have fantasized about chucking it all and opening a tee shirt shop in Belize. Where I wouldn't care if I sold an effin' shirt because I'd be lying in a hammock, drinking beer.
    Ahhh, beer............
    I'm also with you on the dying thing and ending up in Hell or, more probably (I hope), Purgatory. For it's there I'll have to answer for any number of transgressions. More than a few involving private parts. Mostly mine. And that time in Belize. Which had nothing to do with tee shirts. Amazing how far you can get with high school Spanish in certain places.
    If nothing else, I want to live long enough to be a burden on my children.
    It's a dream I have.
    And beer.

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  16. I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad. I have to wonder if the winter has something to do with it, as ive been in a pit as well. I wish I could make you better...make us all better.
    I could give you all the usual about reason to live, but you've heard them all. It's times like these i think it is so important that we stick together and have hope for one another when we have none for ourselves.

    Not long, babe, and the irises will be popping out from frozen ground. And we can take walks in the sun and breathe fresh, warm air.

    You are so special. Even if you cant see that right now. Sending hugs from the Hoosier state.

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  17. FIrst off, do NOT feel guilty for how you feel. You have every right to feel how you feel, no matter what.

    Keep fighting it. Find something to work towards & focus on that (Kazehana's advice is great!)

    We really love you, you are incredible! You've helped me get through things many times, even just with your writing (I remember having really low days, then being cheered up - at least for a few minutes - with your witty & hilarious posts).

    Take it one day at a time. Keep fighting for yourself, Mich.

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  18. Yeah... I have no right to be complaining about anything on my blog.

    I'm by no means a practicing psychologist but have you considered getting checked for bipolar disorder? Bipolar disorder is completely treatable via drugs (unlike some other mental disorders) but is often misdiagnosed because it's 90% depression, 10% mania.

    Check it out, maybe it'll help?

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  19. P.S.

    Sorry I'm such a useless flake about replying to comments atm :(

    That minecraft pic made me laugh until I fell off the couch. If I ever get my ass around to re-joining Kev's server I'm so building that legit. So much time wasted! (It will be all wool blocks though)

    I'm so up for that car expedition. No matter how often I hope for it nobody is kind enough to run me over on the way to work. Maybe if I take to the roads more after moving someone will oblige. Queens' gardens is particularly notorious.

    If things have't picked up by the end of the year, I may have to do something drastic. I'm thinking norovirus and the water supply. Hilarious. Don't fuck with the person who serves your food.

    Things will get better, they have to. At least they will change. Change is the only constant of life :/

    Arohanui Mich <3

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  20. Thinking of you, my dear darling sweetest Mich. i hope you come back soon. :*(

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    1. Still here.

      I have heartburn.

      But I also have VODKA. xD

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  21. Hey Sweet Mich, Wanted you to know i am thinking of you and hope, hope ,hope, you are feeling a little better. i have vodka here too! Problem is, i get splashed and binged and get fatter....fuck!

    Love you, dear!

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