Monday, February 4, 2013

time to complain some more


(skip this if you're worried about Game of Thrones spoilers... or if, you know, you just don't care)

::beginrant::

You know who really pisses me the eff off??

Catelyn Stark.

Seriously.

WHAT

THE

F*CK

She's an effing train wreck. EVERY SINGLE DECISION she makes ends in doom and destruction for her family.

And what pisses me off double is that I actually liked her in the TV series. I mean I had already read books 1 - 3 by the time I started watching it, but with what's her name playing Catelyn, I kind of liked her. (Actually, the same goes for a lot of the characters in the series that I hated in the books, like Ser Jorah, and Osha, and Tywin Lannister....)

Let's begin with that time someone came to assassinate Bran. The assassin was killed by Bran's direwolf, and Catelyn--armed with the letter her sister had sent her a while back, which was FULL OF LIES, about the murderous nature of the Lannisters (I mean they're all douchebags, but at that point in the story no one had ANY CONCRETE REASON WHATSOEVER to think the Lannisters were committing numerous acts of treason)
...where was I? Oh yeah so Catelyn decided that OBVIOUSLY the Lannisters are responsible for Bran's near-death, and so she ventures off to King's Landing to *find out more information*.

So at King's Landing, Peter Baelish says of the attempted murder weapon oh hey, that's MY knife, I lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister.

He says he lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister, because Peter claims he bet on Jamie Lannister and not the Mountain Clegane at a joust. And the Mountain won.

And the Starks buy this explanation.

What the f*ck.

Are you people retarded.

It took like 2 more books for George R. R. Martin to come out and say what makes this so retarded.

Tyrion is a f*cking LANNISTER. He's not going to bet against his brother. So right away the Starks should have known that Peter Baelish is full of shite.
Jamie Lannister - one of only two characters in this series who does NOT deserve to die.
But no. Catelyn goes off back to Winterfell with murder on the mind. And lo and behold, by chance she runs into Tyrion Lannister at an inn.

And has everyone in the inn gang up on him so she can take him prisoner.

A Lannister. Arrested. By a WOMAN. For no real reason other than she's *pretty certain* he arranged to have her son killed.

And then instead of taking him to King's Landing, or back to Winterfell, she takes Tyrion to the Eyrie, where her BATSH*T CRAZY sister lives.

Naturally, when the Lannisters find out about this, they more or less go to war because Tyrion has been unjustly imprisoned.

This is pretty much what starts the War.

The War. The War that is the plot of this entire series. The War that destroyed the seven kingdoms, the war that made and killed like 5 kings, and pretty much killed and maimed EVERYONE.

It got started because Catelyn Stark SUCKS ASS.

Let's jump ahead to when Robb Stark (Catelyn's eldest son, and King in the North) is trying to plan his war against the Lannisters, and Catelyn led him to make one awful decision after another.

Like that time she convinced him to put Roose Bolton in charge of one of the attacks.

Oh and that other time she went to negotiate with the Freys on Robb's behalf. Now in fairness, I realize that decision is partially Robb's fault because he let her go,

BUT

Catelyn basically hands over everything she has to these f*cking peasant Freys who breed like rabbits. She takes on wards, makes them squires, and promises Robb will marry one of the Frey women, just so poor Robb can CROSS A F*CKING BRIDGE.

Ummmm what

And then by chance Robb (who is 16 and full of male hormones) finds a pretty girl somewhere else and screws her, and then marries her after because he's a nice f*cking guy. So of course now Big Daddy Frey is pissed because Robb was supposed to marry one of his daughters.

Ohhh no but it's ok. The Freys can marry a daughter off to Catelyn's brother instead, and the Freys will throw an awesome feast for the wedding and totally make nice with Robb even though he SHAMED THEM.

And so Catelyn takes her brother and her eldest son to the wedding with the Freys.

And the Freys F*CKING MASSACRE THEM. And Robb Stark is killed.

I cannot even begin to articulate how I upset this made me.

But the fact that Catelyn Stark was finally murdered made me feel a little better.

For like 2 seconds.

Somehow, the outlaw Dondarrion (who I thought totally ruled until this point) brought Catelyn Stark back to life.

And what does Zombie Catelyn do? 
ORDERS THE DEATH OF THE  
      O N E       A N D       O N L Y    P E R S O N    who gave a sh*t about finding her daughters alive and bringing them home safely.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:O

CATELYN MUST BE STOPPED. KILLED. AGAIN.

WITH FIRE.

12 comments:

  1. I sincerely hope they never assassinate Bran. Without bran, I could never get myself moving in the morning.

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  2. Well fire is an effective method for killing things. As well as harpoons. I've not gotten in to Game Of Thrones but it does seem to be my kind of thing.

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  3. You should write reviews of things more often. or better yet, make ranting vlogs. I had to stop reading those books because of Catelyn and Cersei. The hateyness just got too much.

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  4. I've never seen Game Of Thrones yet because I'm crazy and put things off so I don't know what's annoying you so much fully but she does sound like an annoying character for sure Mich, sorry that she messes up so much, love the review though regardless haha.

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  5. I'm up to A Feast For Crows and OMFG YES the gullibility of the Starks had me verbally raging in the staffroom whilst buried in the book.

    "WTF?!?" "HOW CAN YOU BE SUCH AN IDIOT?!?" "MATE, STOP BEING SO FUCKING INNOCENT" "HOW CAN YOU FALL FOR THAT CRAP??????"

    *Facetable* *Facetable* *Spills coffee*

    Fucking. Gullible. Idiots.

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    Replies
    1. I'm just praying Arya stays awesome. She's at least not an idiot, and she actually has some balls. More balls than the rest of them anyway.....

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  6. A lol lol and lol again.

    The whole point of the Starks is that because they live in the North, they have no clue wtf is really going on. Their sole purpose in the series is to fuck everything up/be fucked up by everything not the North.

    They facilitate the unravelling by being catalysts for the other houses to act against/react to.

    Think of everything Stark as being base & the rest of the entire world as acid. Baking soda vinegar volcano every time they mix in with any other story element.

    All of them. Even Arya & Bran. They aren't meant to coexist/follow the logic of the others. They foment.

    Once Ned Stark was killed, there was nothing left but to accept that no Stark is useful beyond his/her ability to fuck things up for other characters. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Lol I know I know, but I LIKED Ned, he was a nice dude really TRYING not to feck everything up. And I liked Robb. I still like Arya. Bran is.... meh I'm neutral with Bran. And where the heck did Rickon go?? I used to like Jon Snow as well, but now he's just getting annoying because he should shut the eff up and stop whingeing and just throw that mother effing red skank off the Wall already. And speaking of throwing people from high places, Sansa should have been hauled out the moon door after her aunt.

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  7. Hey, i am a stupid, not knowing what is going on, i was just so happy to hear from you. Meanwhile, my mom bitched at me. What fun...........................................................................................................................fuck.She is all caught up in sweaksteaks....she actrually sent in 4,000. today like i need more worries.............................................................................please be okay my dear. i know you have much more worries than i do.

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  8. :::tries not to look lost:::

    :::fails:::

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  9. I've never seen game of thrones but your review/rant still made me laugh. To answer your question, yes my address is the same. Not sure if you meant email or snail mail but both are the same. I'm just terrible about checking my email >_<

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  10. I'm sorry Mich, i sent youna drunken reply lastmtime, i aam so,sory.....love you!

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