Wednesday, June 24, 2015

You look like a pauper, but that's incidental.

I don't really have anything exciting or interesting to write about, so I'll just ramble and complain for a bit.

Mainly I wanted to share this article because FINALLY someone said it.

I have been trying to explain to mumsy dearest for YEEEEEEEEEEEEARS why her diet of Special K, FiberOne bars, Activia, and Lean Cuisines is not making her lose weight. Bosslady is on pretty much the same diet and also wonders why she never loses weight. We have the same conversation like three times a day in the office:

Bosslady: "Want some of this [godawful diet food marketed towards women]?"

Mich: "Is one of the first three ingredients sugar?"

Bosslady: [[reads]] "Yes."

Mich: "No, thank you."

Go grab the first "healthy"/"diet" food you can find. One of the first three ingredients is sugar. "Healthy"/"Low fat" salad dressing? I guarantee the ingredients label reads: water, distilled vinegar, sugar.


it's in freaking everything like I go to buy BREAD for the house and the second ingredient is mothertrucking sugar THERE SHOULD NOT BE SUGAR IN BREAD you do not actually need sugar to activate the yeast I promise.

I do not recall precisely when I stopped eating carbs. I did it so that I can maintain my weight whilst also being the laziest person alive, and it seems to be working. At some point, it morphed into kind of my own version of the Paleo diet--I eat mostly protein and green vegetables, and try to stay away from processed crap that is nothing but garbage and sugar disguised as food.

I make allowances for beer, because beer is amazing.

(I live on meat and beer. My family lives in absolute confusion as to why I'm the only one who hardly ever gets sick.)

...In other news....

- There is a giant hole in my kitchen ceiling. Apparently, the morons who built mumsy's condo just left the bathtub sitting in the upstairs bathroom, they did not actually install it. Lil Sis had a bath instead of a shower the other night, and most of the water ended up in the light fixtures in the kitchen, which any rocket scientist could probably tell you is a bad place to put water.

- Yesterday, for no reason other than my own amusement, I went into Bossman's mouse settings and changed it to the slowest possible speed. There was much profanity, and amusement was achieved.

- It's really f**king hot out. Like it's disgusting and it needs to stop.

- Did y'all know the concept of air conditioning was invented in Ancient Egypt?

- This year's father's day card was a masterpiece:

Big Sis#1 with the books, Lil Bro#1 throwing a tantrum, Big Sis#2 flying, and me and Lil Bro#2 setting things on fire. Accurate.

- I have booked the motels for Kentucky at the end of September and I am super excited.
:D :D :D

- Does anyone else watch Defiance?? I refuse to believe I'm the only one because it's the best show on television and I have no one with whom to discuss it. 


  1. Love, love, love this is truly amazing! So wish I had your talent! I can't lose weight because of one word...booze. I hope to be able to drink in moderation again someday...ha! Meanwhile, I am one day without voddy and hating it...sigh!

  2. Well said!
    The diet industry is a sham
    People see 'low fat' and 'fat free'
    And presume it must be good for them
    All that fat has been replaced by sugar
    Sugar people!!
    I know someone who says that sugar is their cocaine
    They firmly believe that they are addicted to it
    And in order to function as a normal human being, they need to cut it out of their life entirely
    Same with flour and wheat
    I have issues with food
    But I don't think cutting whole food groups out is the answer
    But hey
    What ever works right?

    You are awesome Mich
    Thank you for always leaving lovely comments on my blog
    They mean a lot
    And so do you x

  3. Great card!
    That's why I by sugar free snacks. And wash them down with Pepsi. Hey, it's better than sugary snacks and Pepsi.
    Didn't hook up the tub? Nice condo.
    Be nice to processed crap. It keeps me alive.

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  6. Here via Susie. I love that card. Myself, I look for mother's and father's day cards that basically just announce the holiday without saying anything about their parenting abilities. I think there's a market for obligatory cards.

    The diet food industry is a racket. I ry to just eat real foods. Except cookies. I admit I eat cookies.

    (Incidentally, read the post below - my first love was a mandolin player.)

  7. Oh man, I love it! I think I've finally got the 'diet' food sugar paradox across to mum (she's diabetic, which doesn't help).
    I don't get the sugar in bread thing, though. I've heard it's for preservation. I see it as an American thing though - I've not encountered sugar in bread.

    From my bakery's ingredients list:
    Whole Grain Wholemeal Wheat Flour (65%), Water, Yeast, Iodised Salt, Vegetable Oil (Canola), Wheat Flour, Soy Flour, Vitamins (Thiamin, Folic Acid)

    I was waiting to read that the bathtub fell through the ceiling. Dang.
    Honestly, it sounds like how the last owners built out house. Everything is crooked, things have either been left just sitting for the past 60 years, or was nailed in unnecessarily with bent and broken nails. It's a really solid house, just... very crooked.

    Oh god, the mouse speed! Best office prank ever.


  8. Fat is actually good for you. You need it to do cell things. You just can't take a spoon to the lard dish. I loved your description of it. ha. Yes. it's terrible. Just eat baked chicken or fish and veggies with fruit and regular old Greek yogurt and maybe get some exercise. That's really all that's needed man. You win with the office prank. :)

  9. DUDE, DUDE, DUDE. when i saw that article, i giggled.

    i remember the first time i opened up an Alpen light. i looked at it for a few minutes and thought to myself: what the fuck is this? of course it's 'lighter', it's small!!! that's the thing about diet foods they are SMALL SMALL SMALL SMALL. the funny thing is that eating the actual good stuff makes you eat way less than you'd eat of the diet-y stuff. i think the first time i saw a Slimfast bar, i laughed. seriously?

    you know who makes beautiful bars though? FiberOne. i would choose them over the actual thing any day because they are legit GOOD. i've never had a brownie like a FiberOne brownie. it is better than the actual ones in my opinion. maybe i haven't had a good actual brownie.

    funny thing, if i eat actual junk food, i get told off for it (i eat a lot of junk food and i eat a lot of burgers + pizzas). if i exist on a diet of Special K and organic bars, nobody bats an eye...what the hell?? they're all pretty much sugar. if we're playing the nutrient game... chocolate = magnesium, calcium, B12 (!?)...iron even?! it's actually fairly surprising. nothing has "empty" calories. not even 'junk' food. at the very least, even pure table sugar gives you energy.

    i don't Paleo unfortunately (not my version or any other version). i am trying out this thing though where i eat all the sugar/carbs/'junk' food i want on the days i am training and to go LC on the days where i am not training. seems to be pretty good so far. the problem is with me is that eating healthy makes my mood drop insanely low very quickly. and my mood > my physical health.

    though funny enough, i, too, like you rarely get sick.

    oh God, i love you. but if i was Bossman, i would've punched you in the face.

    i know. i hate the weather too. damn you.

    ohhhh, that Father's day card is legit perfect.

    i've never heard of Defiance...whoops.

    -Sam Lupin

  10. Everything was low-fat for ages. Now everything seems to be gluten-free. Nobody has every cared about nuts. They are in everything.

  11. Fat and protein are hunger suppressants. Sugar and sugar from carbs makes you want to EAT MORE! Sugar is addictive! In February I cut way back on sugar and carbs (two week purge to break the addiction) and eat more protein and don't not worry about fat. Love my morning bacon! Down 16 pounds so far and do not feel like it has been a diet, just a change in intake.

    Nutritionists and common sense tells you that fat makes you fat. Sometimes common sense is wrong.

  12. The worst are the meal shakes. In most cases you're better off drinking a chocolate milk and taking a multivitamin. Even the ones I get now and then (Special K ones because they have fiber and don't taste altogether like crap) have 18 feckin grams of sugar in a bottle.

    Because of my PCOS, I have legitimate health reasons to moderate my intake of refined carbs. Unfortunately, the healthy reasons and the ED reasons make little nightmare thought-babies, and sometimes it's hard to tell who's the parent.

    The portion control gimmick is frustrating. Real food in hundred calorie "snack" packs or 300-calorie "meals." Sending women the message that responding to hunger by feeding yourself real food enrages me to no end. Plus there's the absolute insanity of the 2,000 calorie idea:

    Kentucky, huzzah! Have you said what you're doing this time? :::wanders off to archives:::

  13. Sending women the message that responding to hunger by feeding yourself real food [is wrong] enrages me to no end.

  14. That father's day card is pretty awesome. I know how you feel about foods. It's too bad I'm one of the people who eats too much carbs and sugar. I do know that eating "healthy" foods doesn't automatically make you lose weight. A lot of them end up being high in calories too which makes things worse. For the most part a calorie deficit means you lose weight. If you have trouble even with that then you're counting calories wrong or messing up somewhere.

  15. comment reply:

    DUDE i am waiting to see that cookie core in this country and i will take it and i will eat it all. unfortunately, i am one of those people that eat the whole pint in one sitting #thepintpartyclub

    if i see it, i'll totally buy it, eat it in one go and give you a nice review. ;)

    no we don't get Vosges chocolates over here. i think last time i went to the supermarket is the first time in my life i even saw Ghirardelli chocolate bars :( though i think we are expanding in US-based chocolates. i think that we import more UK-based things though still.

    curry coconut truffles you say??? dear God.

    -Sam Lupin

  16. Ramble? Oh, that's something I do quite a bit. I often change topics at the drop of a h...oooh, look! Squirrel!!!

  17. As I wrote on Instagram, I LOVE your Father's Day card! I hope your dad did too!

    I agree with you about sugar. I would think if someone is trying to lose weight, they'd read ingredients. Who would have thought? I just can't believe a lot of junk that is put into food, though. :(

  18. Sugar is both the angel and the I love to bake, it's a little tough to do without!
    Defiance....I never miss it. Ever.


We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.