Tuesday, February 12, 2013

drop your drawers


I think I'm possessed.

Or maybe there's something I need to change in my diet.

Like seriously, Idk what's wrong with me.

There has been some kind of gargantuan spike in my hormones.

I feel like I'm turning into an animal. A vicious one.

For reals

last week the plumber came to fix the sink that's been leaking for like 6 years

and OMG you guys

he looked like Shawn Michaels.
He has the most perfect rear end that God ever bestowed upon a man. 
I had to leave the house. I went to run it off at the gym, because otherwise I think I'd have been arrested for sexual assault.

Paul#2 is getting afraid of me.

He tried to give me some bullsh*t over the weekend about being too tired/drunk (read: he wants to lay there and do nothing while I do all the work)

and I was like ummmmmmmmmmmm that doesn't really work for me.

.........Tired or no, afterwards he slept like baby for a solid 10 hours.

Then I felt like a giant whore yesterday because I had to go to CVS and get Plan B (or whatever the generic version is called).

(Then again I suppose feeling like a whore for 5-10 minutes with the pharmacist is a better choice than making my sister throw me down the stairs a few months from now.)

Some purchases will always be awkward. You wouldn't think so in this day and age. I mean we all know that women have their monthlies and need tampons, or that sometimes your bowels get a lil irregular and you need laxatives, or that it is normal for people to have sex and thus require condoms; but it's still nerve-wracking actually going out to buy these things.

Like buying your super-turbo-plus tampons. That is never NOT awkward. Because the person at the register is always

ALWAYS

a teenage boy.

Whoever got the bright idea to put "Gentle Glide" on a box of tampons should be punched in the uterus because slapping a box of those down on the CVS counter where the sexually frustrated fifteen-year-old can see them and know that they are going somewhere he has never been is the most awkward thing that can ever happen.

I used to love the self checkout in the A&P. I thought it was the greatest invention ever, because you could go buy your pads and tampons and baby butt cream (for dry noses and freshly-shaved bikini lines) and Ex-Lax and condoms without having to deal with those awkward moments and judgmental sideways glances.

But of course, because it's ME and I was apparently given the Murphy's-Law-Fairy instead of a guardian angel like everyone else, the second time I tried doing my stealth-awkward-grocery-item-shopping, the mf self checkout turned on me.

The machine apparently had some trouble reading the bar code on a box of tampons.

Why the customer-needs-help alarms on those self checkout machines need to be at the same decibel as a Slayer concert when the attendant is only three feet away is beyond me.

So every single person in the A&P got a good look at me with my giant box of tampons in my hand, and the remaining items in my basket:

I was baking later. I swear.

...

Pardon me while I go attempt to seduce the new FedEx guy.

30 comments:

  1. Oh Gawd, it's always a teenage boy. It never fails.

    Only one time have I ever had fun with this. Years ago, when I was younger and cuter and drunker I went and bought condoms. ALONE. of course it was a teenage boy. As he kept sneaking side-long glances at me I winked at him and said, "I'm not sure who the lucky guy is (I really wasn't). I'm currently taking applicants." The kid turned beet red and I sashayed out of that CVS like I owned it.

    Keep your eyes to yourself sweetie.

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  2. Oh wow Mich, a plumber who looks like Shawn Michaels is absolutely amazing, I'd have had to have headed to the gym too and I'm straight! I love how your diet actually looks decent or at least like something I'd try except for the Xanax. Sometimes you can be too tired or too drunk by the way, try not to run yourself down too much Mich, who wouldn't want to hang around with you after all, ask yourself that.

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  3. HA!

    The EXACT SAME THING happened to me like the week after I turned 28. That was the greatest year of my life.

    I see nothing wrong with your diet.

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  4. Yeah I'm not really sure how to respond. I'm really not. But I do know the awkward feeling of buying something that you really shouldn't feel awkward buying. And the joys of self service. And the pain of betrayal.

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  5. See, what's really fun is to buy condoms and several bananas at the same time. Bonus points if you add a pregnancy test to that (;

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  6. I'm always tempted to buy the pregnancy test they sell at the dollarstore along with the menopause test they also sell in with my other random cleaning products. just to see what the guy at the checkout will say.

    MG has been pretty happy with my hormone situation. He'll text me, "are you still taking those crazy pills?! I'm coming over." hahahahah

    P2 needs to eat more veggies & hit the gym so he can keep up.

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  7. I love self check-out and I def go all the way to the local walmart to buy certain things so that people don't stare and judge. Yes the teenage boy checking you out is awkward but I think the worst is the middle age guy that strikes up a conversation with you as he checks you out and then... oh look tapons. condom. laxatives. ... awkward!!!!

    Emily

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  8. Hormones are SO much fun! Apart from when they want to make you murder everything in sight :/ Come on Paul, get with the program! It's only 1-2 weeks of the month!

    Wtf, your SCOs have alarms? Are the checkout staff in need of hearing aids? o.O Ours only have the light-on-a-pole that changes colour if assistance is needed.

    Lol, I deliberately seek out teenage boys on checkouts to buy tampons/condoms through. Gotta break them in somehow! Weirdest combination I ever sold was ky, condoms and a vegetable slicing machine. Oooooooooooookay. I hope they were on a bet/dare. Students are fun like that.

    What it would take to me raise an eyebrow after nearly 4 years on the front lines would be a guy buying a marrow, lube and an A&P magazine.

    Students are back in town! So many pretties to slobber over. Sigh.

    Arohanui <3

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  9. ROFL @ the checkout illustration. Maybe Kazehana's supplement has a men's version that Paul #2 can try?

    Self checkout is eating disorder's friend :/ I've never been anywhere with an alarm that went off just because the barcode wouldn't scan right away, yikes. If it doesn't scan I usually get pissed off and just leave it at the checkout.

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  10. Oh, Mich, i was soooo happy to see a new blog from you and great pictures. It made me think of the grade school program, a LIFETIME ago, when an OB "tried" to teach us the "facts of life"....fail. i would tell you about a girl i knew who wore a pad all day when she was home sick "just to see what it was like", but that is tooo pathetic...now i am old and none of this applies, .......however, people still say i look younger than i am, so maybe there is hope, but i doubt it. Yes self check out is the eating didorders friend, but now that i am fatter than i have EVER been, i an at a loss.

    Love you bunches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i need advice from your commenters...how do i stop doing what i KNOW is making me obese?

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    Replies
    1. LOL I did the pad thing too, haha! And I used to stuff my shirt with mum's shoulder pads to pretend I had boobs (she had a whole drawer of shoulder pads.... oohh the 80's!). That backfired though, as I woke up one day in 6th grade with huge breasts and everyone made fun of me for it and accused me of stuffing my bra. :/ Oh and the sex ed talk? We had nuns for ours.

      How DO we stop doing the things that make us crazier? If you ever find out, let me know!

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    2. I'm gonna take a stab at this one. I checked out your blog, Tracy, but couldn't really get a fix on you or your ED because your blog is a bit vague, however I'm going to assume (pardon me) that the negative self-talk that occurs in your writing also takes up a really large chunk of your inner monologue.

      I'm going to assume (pardon me again) that you have a self-hatey streak that is causing you to be down on everything about yourself, from who you are to what you look like, to how you cope with life.

      If any of this is correct, then keep reading. If it isn't correct at all, dismiss the rest of this comment.

      If you are trapped in a cycle of doing things that make you crazy/keep you from being the person you want to be, a lot of that can be attributed to either A) not feeling like you DESERVE to be better/healthy/sane or B) that being crazy/unhealthy/nutty is all you know and what you do well and makes you who you are and is therefore terrifying to let go of and possibly even C) a shitty combo of both A and B.

      The good news is that the solution to all three scenarios is to stop hating yourself and start loving yourself. It's not a quick fix. It's not even easy to fathom.

      But the thing about treating yourself the way you treat people whom you love (you know, thinking of their feelings, considering their needs, paying attention to their likes/dislikes, forgiving their flaws because you love the whole of who they are, listening to them, not judging them for every little thing that isn't perfect because you recognize everyone is imperfect, etc) is that it's difficult to do because it requires mindfulness ALL the time.

      You have to take the time to get to know yourself, what makes you shine, and then figure out how to bring out the best in yourself. But bringing out the best in yourself involves being your own lover, so to speak.

      A person who truly loves you tells you you're beautiful, capable, smart, funny, etc. They certainly don't tell you you're fat, stupid, useless, boring. A person who would say that you to your face in real life would be an enemy and considered an asshole to be avoided at all cost. You would be furious with their rudeness and hurtfully untrue words. You might even punch them in the face. You'd definitely reject every contact from them. But if that person is you?

      That's when shit gets complicated. If YOU are the person abusing you, you will do things to undermine your own best interests. You'll essentially self-sabotage everything you attempt because you don't believe you deserve to succeed.

      Get down to the root of that feeling and rip it out. Stab that negative belief with spade and dig it clean out of your heart and then start over planting the seeds of positive proofs that you are who you are and are loved for that alone, and then nurture the idea that you can become exactly who you need to be just by continuing to do what is really best for you; i.e. loving, supporting, appreciating your own self.

      How's that?

      As for you, Mich. You're more of a masochist. I think you like riding the crazy train coz normalcy is unappealing to you. lol ;p j/k xo



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    3. I'm more of a sado-masochist thank you very much. ;)

      But yeah normal is boring.

      HOWEVER, that doesn't mean non-normal has to be self-destructive.

      My darling Tracy, Kazehana always speaks advice much more eloquently than I could. But she's saying what I try to tell you all the time. You are a WONDERFUL, CARING, KIND person; you're always always thinking of others without any thought for yourself.

      Look at all of us who keep commenting on your blog and telling you to come back. I don't know about the others, but as for me, I am an asshole and I do not take time out of my day to say nice things to people if I don't mean it. I think something similar can be said for your other commenters. (As in they're not assholes, but they still mean what they say.)

      You should just move into my house for a while. I'll make you love yourself, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

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    4. Self-destructiveness is, I've found, usually tied to dissatisfaction with the manifest self. Id est, the self one envisions oneself to want/need to be is too far off from the self one actually is and the resultant gulf leads to despair.

      Narrowing the gulf by making what I call the 'expectations of becoming' smaller, more precisely defined instead of grand and overarching seems to eliminate some of the misery. If I only have to be the person who gets up in the morning, gets dressed, eats 5 times a day, works diligently, loves considerately and gets at least 6hrs of sleep...well, that goal is far more attainable than being the self who is thin, always well dressed and perfectly coiffed, eating balanced organic attractive meals, in a higher paying job with a stylish DINK pad, who gets 6hrs of sleep but still manages to have sex at least once if not twice every day AND WRITE A NOVEL while remembering to exercise at least 30min/day without fail...UGH.

      The gulf. It kills. Because the gulf is full of reaching, yearning and failing. It's the failing that leads to the attitude of punishment and indulgence because the futility seems unbearable. Fuck it. Let's just blow out all the gaskets and see how high the flames can get.

      So. Shorten the distance between who you are and who you want be by wanting to be you...but the you who takes one extra step today. That's how I personally gave up cutting and then drugs and then alcohol and then shitty relationships and now...ED. Little by little. One step a day. One small focus that is so close you can taste it.

      Figuring out the WHY is much more complicated than the HOW. Stick with the how for now. See how catchy that is?

      ;p

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  11. PS As always, all about ME again......

    Sending all my love and healing!

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  12. the minute i read the 'drop your drawers' thing, i keep on thinking: .....BUT WHAT IF IM NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR
    OMG SHAWN MICHAELS I KNEW WHO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT THE SECOND YOU SAID IT dude the fucker has more luxurious hair than i do! wtf?!
    TURBO TAMPONS thats what they fired at the Titanic
    HARLOT
    i died
    thank you
    -Sam Lupin

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  13. Ahahaha so true about checking out. I love kroger's self checkout. I even shop real late at night when there's just selfcheckout and like one lane sometimes open. The rest of the employees are stocking shelves at night. And when at work I've had women ask me to check them out & whille doing so i'd see the tampons etc so it was probably to avoid the boy working the front register. Waaa Mich is horny and I'm nowhere near! It's been years since I've worn a strap-on but I'm sure it's like riding a bike. Alas, what a heartbreak! And you'd have no need for Plan B with me ^_^
    Hmmm I wonder if this is an inappropriate comment?

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  14. OMG i know right?! I live in a small town and EVERY time I go to buy condoms I see a student and they yell "Hi Miss ----!" and I want to die. Even better, I decided to switch to pre-natal vitamins because my hair has been crap lately and I want it to grow faster..... bad idea lol. I didn't know the cashier, but she looked at me like I am going to hear that I am pregnant in a few months.

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  15. I suppose the only comparable items for men would be buying condoms and/or lube. Especially when the cashier looks you in the eye and you're both thinking the same thing.

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  16. Dear Kazhana and Mich,

    i am so sorry i have not written sooner.. i just don't have the proper wordsto tell you both how much you mean to me.

    Kazehana, you are "spot on", it is like you know me so imtemately without even really knowingme. What you wrote was EXACTLY what i needed to hear and i haven't the words to thank you.i feel like you know my inner self, my trials and horrors and i have no idea how, however i thank you for being there for telling me about me. i am so sorry that i have no other words to say except to say thank you for caring so much to comment on my situation. Thank you just isn't enough.

    Mich and Kazhanna i truly love you and alll you have done for me.

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    Replies
    1. Tracy where are you staying now; are you at home, or at mom's? I saw something today while I was out shopping and it was SCREAMING your name...

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    2. you are more than welcome. if you ever want to talk, there is an email address in my blogger profile by which you can contact me. :)

      namaste

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  17. P.S.

    Cutting down on the number of sharp objects carried is definitely a good thing when the urges are hard to resist. It also cuts down the likelihood of using them on annoying idiots!

    I think with therapy you go through good patches and bad patches. The cognitive dissonance caused by being forced to confront and change your thought patterns is fucking horrible, and extra bad when your main forms of coping with mental discomfort are self-destructive. Plodding through is infinitely better than giving up hope and lying in the road.

    I want to take up needle felting. Stabbing at bits of sheep floof with a sharp needle sounds like the perfect therapy.

    That gypsy thing could be worked out. The gypsy fair that comes through Dunners every easter has asked me to join. You up to learning to use some fire toys and performing your way around NZ? Poi/staff/fans/hoop/palm candles. . .

    I hope things are going a bit better up there. If they are or if they are not, I'm finally done with some things to keep you warm. Will wing them your way soon.

    Take care of yourself as much as you can and don't give up, you're worth any amount of fighting, DragonMich! *hugs*

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  18. It's been far too long since I visited here. You are still a seriously funny lady. Thanks for the laughs (albeit at your own expense, and I hope you get as much of whatever you want really soon.)

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  19. Dear Mich, i am sitting here swirrineg in what used to be my dad's caid in his office thinking of you and missing you while drunk as youcan imagine. Needless to say i miiss you tons, my sweet dear. i am a fuck, as you can imagine. i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry.

    Love you Dear
    Love you tons.

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  20. My Dear Mich, i miss you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooom much, i hope you are okay. i love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, i hope you know that....you are are a dear to ALL of us and we all love you a bunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  21. HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHAWHAWHAW Awesome post. my favorite was the Trojans + Crisco.

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  22. Mich, hun, I will watch Velvet Goldmine for the 500th time tonight, thinking of you. Of course I do adore that movie and it always, always make me feel better!!

    You are so unbelievably funny, when the Kitty-sink-drama pic came up in my reader it made my day.

    Please be ok.
    Please be back soon!

    xxx

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We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.