Thursday, November 17, 2016

Being part of a family means committing forgery for the ones you love.


 Emails and facebook messages with regard to my wellbeing are starting to pile up, so I figured I'd try to post something....

I had a nice week away in the beginning of the month staying with Tempest, who is beyond lovely. We did one of those Escape the Room things (twice--success in the art gallery heist, near success at the bank robbery), and wore period costumes on both Halloween and two days later for trivia night at the local brewery.

We ended up skipping trivia and playing Nintendo instead. We all mostly failed at Super Mario on NES, and then we broke Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis. 

video

I made friends with Tempest's cat, Pippin.


 I love him. He cuddled with me nearly every night I was there. (Presumably because the Simple Cat has trained me to keep up the petting and scratching even after I've fallen asleep.)

We also did lots of walking at various parks, as I successfully got Tempest into geocaching. I got super excited at one park when we saw a red squirrel,

  
and then we found a praying mantis.


 I moved him from the danger of the parking lot to the safety of the trees. Hopefully he did not wander back into the parking lot.

I made some clay thingies

Simple Cat/Ivy and Harley

self portrait
but they are nowhere hear as amazing as Tempest's creations.

I returned from my road trip on Saturday, Vienn Peridot in tow. Peri made friends with both cats immediately. I was amazed, as Simple Cat NEVER comes out of hiding when new people come over. Ivy loved Peri, and she spent most of Monday evening and Tuesday looking for her after she left.

I took Peri to Smokey's for dinner for her birthday. On Sunday we wandered the farmer's market with Lil Bro2 (and of course visited the Pesto Man), went to A.C. Moore and Michaels to spend far too much money on art supplies,* and then headed over to Dadum's for dinner, as Stepmom had cooked a nice chicken and rice dish in honor of the foreign visitor. After dinner, we all watched Babe and I totally forgot that Elrond did the voice of the sheepdog.

The following Tuesday night, we as a nation somehow elected Donald Trump as the next president. I did not get to vote, as Bossman made me stay at the office until after 6.00 PM, and then I had to go get groceries and petrol and visit the bank, and after sitting in like 2 hours of traffic on the way home, I was so aggravated and tired I really didn't feel like waiting around in the cold when it was so late I might not even have made it to the front of the line at the voting place (which would have been another 45 minutes in the car from my house).

Honestly though I had no idea who I planned on voting for. I had actually considered just flipping a coin because I don't even give a f**k anymore. I've had enough of the lesser-of-two-evils elections. I've lost all patience with the circus that is the United States government.

Last Friday, I made an appearance at my friend's daughter's 13th birthday party. Emma (the daughter) is a treasure., and possibly the only real fan of my books. I made her a art for her birfday.


I think it might be the best mushroom cottage yet.

I also hauled ass outta there after only an hour because small house filled with a large group of squealing shrieking 12 and 13 year old girls = HARD NO.



In other news..........

The week-long road trip was a wonderful distraction, but once I settled back into normal life, all the ick came right back. Emotional turmoil, extreme depression, general despair and hopelessness. The Doc has upped my meds, but I know that more antidepressants and mood stabilizers and sedatives will not fix the real problem. I do not know how to fix the real problem, so I've fallen back on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I do not eat anything more than the cream in my coffee and a spoonful of peanut butter or a leftover piece of chicken, except for when I have to eat in front of people. This has actually been a pattern for some time, though I have not blogged about it because I had done so well with recovery and to slip back into the eating disorder seems like such a colossal failure I couldn't bring myself to admit it.

It came to a head a few days ago, when one of my friends posted an old photo on facebook, and then sent me a recent one of us hanging out.

I hate photos of me. I hate my reflection. I tend to avoid mirrors except when doing my makeup, so seeing photos of me is generally never a pleasant experience, but I can ignore them, brush it off, and move on.

Except the other day, when I saw M's recent photo of us, I kind of lost it. I feel huge. Unbearably huge.

Last night, I had an extremely vivid dream in which I got struck by lightning and died. It wasn't a quick death, but I was unbothered by the pain and the shock and instead my thoughts were more like FINALLY. When I woke up, I was so disappointed it took me like ten minutes to drag myself out of bed.

It's like Hyperbole and a Half put it in her post about depression--I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I just don't want to be alive anymore. If I didn't have the cats, things might be different, but for the moment I cannot bring myself to abandon them.





























*Everyone is getting art for Christmas now because I'm poor.


26 comments:

  1. That bastard Black Dog of Depression. I know him. And he knows me. Even though I am in an upswing I learned a long time ago that I will never be rid of him completely. if any time I was going to get depressed it would be during the last few weeks watching the outcome of the election. I am not even an American i've been played with anxiety and a dipping mood.

    I will say this though it doesn't help me at all when I'm depressed. Depression is a liar. A liar.

    Hang in there my friend.

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    1. I really should proofread before I hit publish.

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    2. I did not notice any typos....

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  2. Having been in rooms with 12 & 13 year olds, I understand the impulse to flee. So sorry about your depression. I hope you can find the right meds to help.

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  3. I had both 1 and 2 on Genesis. Good times

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  4. Ah yes, depression, I know that sumbitch well. And I know nothing I can say will help. But do know that even while submersed in a metric shit-ton of ick that you are so damn creative and funny. I love that self-portrait especially, but this post demonstrates that you mastered: videos, photography, sculpture, and painting. What can't you do??

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  5. All I can offer is prayer and hopes for sunnier days...

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  6. The clay things are amazing.

    I know I ought to address the depression stuff after having that laid out, but I go through that and making things is the only thing that keeps me going. It's a distraciotn and challenge.

    So your clay things are amazing.

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  7. 1. Shucks, sorry things aren't great right now.
    2. It's interesting living in another country and hearing people talk about the USA.
    3. Since you like geocaching and taking pics of animals, have you tried the iNaturalist app?

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  8. This is quite a mixed bag of things Mich. One the one hand I'm glad you had a whole lot of fun with peeps and made clay things and met new cats and squirrels. My friend doesn't understand my love of squirrels. I wish I got to see more red ones.

    On the other it's a shame that the old habits die hard. It ain't easy but remember that you've made it through this stuff before, and you can do it again. That's what I tell myself at least.

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    1. Oh my Dear Nich, I am so very, very sorry you feel so terrible...I so wish I could do something to help.........I love you so much, and I am so very sorry life sucks....for all of us......... <3

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    2. Ummmmm, make that Mich and however did you find Peri.....? send her my Love!

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  9. Nooooooo....the world would be a much less enjoyable place without you tweeking it off kilter.
    Hope you are feeling better soon, Mitchie.

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  10. i know i saw Thor Kitten's post (you are both fabulous by the way. just saying.)

    "Presumably because the Simple Cat has trained me to keep up the petting and scratching even after I've fallen asleep" what a talent!

    OH NO IT'S THAT THING AGAIN BUT IN A BIGGER PICTURE THAN THOR KITTEN HAD IT AS

    i nearly had a connery what were you thinking Mich

    i would've stepped on it until it died. if i didn't run away screaming and flailing in the other direction *shudders*

    YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT DOING THESE CLAY THINGS go away Mich you can't be good at everything

    aye, Tempest can really... really do her clay things. really well.

    thanks for sending me that link so i've faved her shop on Etsy.

    i wonder how your cats would take to me. i do not love animals. i like them, but i am easily aggravated by them.

    Peri is foreign? although i don't follow her, this surprises me.

    "The following Tuesday night, we as a nation somehow elected Donald Trump as the next president." that's one way of putting it.

    "Honestly though I had no idea who I planned on voting for. I had actually considered just flipping a coin because I don't even give a f**k anymore. I've had enough of the lesser-of-two-evils elections. I've lost all patience with the circus that is the United States government." i agree with you. completely.

    your mushroom cottage is spectacular. (your Burrow piece is also bloody brilliant.)

    i really hope that you're able to muddle your way out of this. i hate that you've slipped like this, but honestly, it happens to the best of us. recovery is worth it but recovery is hard.

    "I had done so well with recovery and to slip back into the eating disorder seems like such a colossal failure I couldn't bring myself to admit it." don't ever feel like you are failing. and i'm not sure if i've said this to you before, but i'll say it now: a lapse doesn't have to be a completely relapse.

    the thing is you aren't. you are a slim individual. you may feel huge but you really aren't. i know that hearing those things helps me when my body image is terrible, so i just want to let you know this. <3

    we are our own worst critics but we don't have to be.

    i hope that you're able to find yourself out of this muddle, cause i hate seeing you like this. i hope that you find it in yourself to face this problem - whatever it is - head on like the badass that you are. <3

    hoping that i said made you feel worse. i really say what i say with good intentions, but sometimes, things don't come across in that manner. i hope i didn't offend you. i love you to death. <3






    -Sam Lupin

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  11. Good to hear from you Mich
    I apologise for my lack of contact
    Life is shooting forward at an alarming rate
    I feel I am always playing catch up
    I'm sorry things are tough right now
    And worried to read that you are not eating very well
    I could say take care of yourself
    But it is futile to say that in the face of what you are going through
    I hope you have someone to talk to
    Someone to confide in
    And of course you have all our support here on blogger
    I've been meaning to send you something
    I will try and get it to you before Christmas
    In the mean time
    Be gentle with you
    Be kind to you
    Because there is only one of you
    And you are precious

    Much love from me Honey and Lea x

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  12. What Beer in the Shower said and wow, LOVE the mushroom cottage. It shimmers. I have not been feeling so happy myself lately, altho, to be honest, I can't remember the last time I actually felt happy (except for those brief moments like when Kitten greets me from my walk and I think how awesome he is). So I guess I've gone from 'fine' to 'God, what a horrible world this is.'

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  13. I am sorry that you struggle with depression. I, too hope for brighter days for you.

    As for your clay things...adorable!

    Who wouldn't love Pippen? He's awesome.

    You are so talented! The mushroom cottage is beautiful.

    I, too didn't know who to vote for and I pretty much did just flip a coin. I voted during early voting thinking I could put it behind me and none of that helped. No one could escape this shit-show as it went on and on. In fact, it's still hanging over us 24/7.

    I totally agree with the comment of a Beer for the Shower...you are so very talented.

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  14. Peri?!? Whoa, where's she been? And how did you get her out this way? I dont know Tempest, is she from far away as well? If you get Sam Lupin to make an appearance in the tri-state area I'll really be impressed!

    Pippin is so handsome! Your clay figurines are spot-on perfect, and I laughed out loud reading that you "made her a art for her birfday." Then I nodded right along to your last two paragraphs. That Hyperbole line, exactly. I had the accompanying pic saved on my desktop for years, along with this one (which is a Smiths lyric)

    Also, thank you so much for the advice/encouragement on my last post. I know I sound like a broken record sometimes.

    Glad you got to enjoy the outdoors before the cold weather kicked in. Hope your health and your mood improves, and your Thanksgiving is at least bearable. xo

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  15. "it's actually illegal to kill a praying mantis" what? is it because it is praying?

    so i have to live with these-these foul insects? *shudders* you don't just randomly find one in the house, i hope!



    -Sam Lupin

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  16. Your mantis photo is phenomenal and your mushroom cottage is GORGEOUSSSS.

    I knew it probably wasn't a good thing that most of your nutrition was coming from beer, but I figured it would be useless at best and harmful at worst to poke the beast. Instead I just tried to tempt you with Krispy Kreme.

    You should accept Pip's affection as highest honor; he does not bestow it casually.

    My planning is much better when I haven't just been twisting my schedule around for a person who turns out not to value my time at all. Alas that I didn't have you come the week before when I was completely off work! I hope we can distract each other for a few days again some time next year.

    Chris - I'm not remotely exotic, just midwest U.S. And if Sammy shows up in the tri-state area I'm running to pounce her because she is a lovely fabulous uplifting person.

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    1. It really does amaze me that I am still alive considering that my diet consists of beer, chicken wings, Flintstones vitamins, and the very occasional vegetable...

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  17. And Sammy - Praying mantises are fabulous. When they're not eating their lovers in the post-coital glow.

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  18. Thinking of you, Mich. xx from California!

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  19. Well, you've expressed what many people feel. The lesser of two evils is shameful when it comes to running a country. I'd rather see the red squirrel and the cat, Pippin, in the race. Then I'd have to do some research and soul-searching.

    Thanks for stopping in at The Write Game. Come back.

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  20. I'm reading this quite late and my heart goes out to you. First, love the art piece you created...very unique and sparkly. I am 52 and i am in menopause land. I have gained weight and I am not proud of it but I can't exercise much due to my pain issues and what I suffer with. I saw my doctor last week who was so rude and after tearing a strip off me regarding my pain issues, he looked at me and said "You've gained weight!" He didn't believe about my menopause and then he said I went from this, with his hands close together and then he made a sound as if I exploded and moved his hands far away. I bawled when I left his office. This doesn't mean that I suffer from anorexia or bulimia but it shows that so many women have issues regarding their weight and looks. You, believe it or not, are very brave for having to live with this disease and the depression you face daily. You may not feel that way but I do because you have led a difficult journey. I hope you find the strength to speak to your doctor or to anyone who can help you see how many do appreciate who you are. I don't know you but many do and your pussy cats I bet really love you.

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We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.