Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I want into him of my flesh I want out


A real post! ...sort of. Since I'm trying to check in on everyone's blogs, I thought I would offer a proper post/update with pictures...

So apparently, I am ‟not coping well."

I have dealt with loss before. I'm pretty sure everyone has dealt with some kind of loss by the time they're into their late 20s (and if you haven't, consider yourself exceedingly lucky). We lost a cousin  to cancer when I was 7. Granddad died when I was 10. Other Granddad died when I was 13. One of my best friends committed suicide when I was 13. Uncle died when I was 18 (that one hit me the hardest, before now). My ex-boyfriend committed suicide a few years ago, right when we had started to get close again. Granny died two years ago.

None of those compare even remotely to how painful the loss of my cat is. Callisto was like my best friend/child/dæmon/other half. Personally I think that warrants the current ruination that is my mental state.

But according to the *experts*, I am Not Coping Well.

In fairness, I suppose that is somewhat accurate. I've kind of unraveled past the point of even caring whether or not I'm going loopy. The evidence:

- I cannot go more than 8 hours without breaking down into a soggy sobbing incoherent mess, which sort of disturbs my normal everyday activities.


- If I want to sleep at all, I need at least 150mg of diphenhydramine + alcohol, so instead I've been doing the alternate and just not sleeping more than 3 hours a night (the maximum I can manage without substances).

- I have had a total and complete epic relapse when it comes to the abuse of certain substances.

- Since Daisy, the other cat also appears to be very depressed, I lay on the basement floor with her for up to an hour at a time, just staring at the wall.

- I haven't decided what I want to do with Callisto's ashes yet.*
*I cannot part with the last piece of Callisto that I have left.

- I have taken to sleeping with this pillow:
My stepgrandmother gave it to me years ago, because it looks just like Callisto.

- I don't eat unless other people give me food (i.e., getting dragged out to eat by family and/or friends).

- I have emotional breakdowns when cleaning only Daisy's messes from the cat litter, or when I find Callisto-hairs in the house or on my person, or when in the supermarket buying cat food only for Daisy.


- I'm approaching hysterics right now, just from writing this.

- At night when I'm reaching the very limits of my sanity, I crawl into a corner in my room and watch videos of Callisto that are on my phone, or on youtube, and then cry until I can't breathe.

ugh

This seriously makes the incident formerly known as the Worst Thing That Ever Happened to Mich look like an over-cliched over-generalized and poorly scripted episode of Law & order SVU. (And trust me: I watch far too much SVU, so I know what I'm talking about.) I would very gladly spend a month locked in a small room with that pervert who still haunts my nightmares if it would magically bring my cat back.

But he's dead, so I can't even try.

On top of all that, this loss has apparently made me into an even worse person. Stepdad (also known as the walking dead) is still alive, and I hate him for it. I can't even be in the same room as him anymore, because I resent him for every rattling breath he continues to take. Because Callisto deserved to live, and he--the lying, thieving, spineless scumbag that he is--continues to live, to the utter befuddlement of all his doctors.

I'm a grumbling little ball of rage and despair and I feel like I'm going to cave in on myself.

22 comments:

  1. I'm gone for a month and I miss everything! I'd say sorry about your kiikiiii but I know you hate that, so I'll just say that I would hug you close enough to asphyxiate you if I was there. <3 <3 <3 You're not a bad person for wanting him dead. You're actually like the most patient and tolerant person I know, so if you wish someone dead I think that means that person must REALLY REALLY SUCK.

    I hope you can battle your way through this honeybunch. We all want you to survive this, just try and remember that. We love you!!!!!!

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  2. also I see you're still heavily engulfed in DEE. My friend's going to see them in Zurich this weekend. I'll email you photos. <3

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  3. Oh, my dear sweet Mich, i am as always, at a loss for words. i am drunk and am at mum's doesn't help at all .i am so sorry. i am a loser.
    Please know how much i care about you, if i........................

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  4. That's really tough having to deal with step-dad being alive when he's so degenerate and having your cat gone :[ Maybe you could get a locket or something with a picture of Callisto in it/on it and maybe engrave something special? Treasuring the memories and keeping the memories alive help with the greiving process, but so does wallowing in sorrow for as long as you need to as well. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and think of you often and can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Sending lots of love your way<3<3<3

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  5. My dog is my life, i can't imagine what you're going through. Just hang in there and hopefully with time the pain will become bareable. Also everyone was has thoughts they're not proud of, that's what makes us human. It is when you no longer think the thoughts are negative or start acting them out that you should start to worry.

    Sam
    P.S. My condolences for your loss

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  6. You aren't coping too well but I don't think that you can be blamed for that. I think I would react like this, or possibly worse, if one of my cats was to die. I wouldn't be able to go shopping for a while because we always walk past the catfood. I don't even want to think about them being gone. You were pretty brave to type this Mich, and don't let Callisto be forgotten. Maybe you should keep the ashes yourself.

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  7. You right now=Me after Ink passed(Minus Vitamins)

    It hurts like a mofo and there isn't anything I can say to make it better.

    If I had had the option of getting Ink cremated I would have. Instead he's in Mum's rose garden and I still have a tiny bit of his fur in the same box as my far-too-small signet ring. I've heard stories of a company that turns ashes of loved ones into manmade diamonds. Dunno if it's real.

    Did similar things too. I couldn't walk down the petfood aisle at work for about 6 months after Squeaky died. Fuck I wish I had videos of him. I feel so bad for still having Dralion when Callisto has gone.

    I wish I could come drink and cry with you, but we'd probably turn into twin black holes and destroy the earth.
    http://youtu.be/1b9DS-dmsbQ
    If I could, I'd fight all the witches so nothing horrible would happen to you.

    Because of something you said to me and a completely unexpected Triple Goddess necklace from Mum I'm going to resume my Feri practise. Throw everything I am into the blue flame and let it burn. Maybe there is something good hidden in this pile of slag? We will see.

    Please hang on. The pain eats everything else but it doesn't last forever. It gets easier to bear, little by little until it's another rock in your bag and not a big person-squashing boulder. One day you'll be able to remember Callisto with joy. It will still have sadness in it, but she will still live inside of you. If she's anything like Ink she'll be giving a oneday-future-maybe-Mich's-Furbaby one hell of a briefing on just how to look after you. Not a replacement, but a new recruit.

    Fuck, how about I steal Dad's 30+y/o scotch and fly over there? Or would duty free hooch do? Would I be shot as a terrorist on sight or would they wait for me to voice radical liberal views first?

    All my love to you <3

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  8. Aaaaah I'm so sorry to hear that the passing of beloved Callisto is causing you to suffer so. 'Normal' (the quote-unquote nature of that term emphasised, of course) people tend not to understand how the loss of a 'pet'. But; animals are the best. Their love is so unconditional. They tend to be way more forgiving than us human-animals. And they are so warm and fluffy, and can be depended upon to just lie there and purr (just so comforting) in an hour of need. Which is often all I really want (some loving but silent companionship). Terrible times. I know it's hard but it sounds like you're going through a/the grieving process. You're allowed to be a crazy (hot) mess. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  9. Sorry for your lose. I hope you overcome it. And you should keep the ashes, make a papermache cat and put the ashes in it. And keep him with you always.

    I'm 30 and I've never experienced real loss. But thats because I've never had many friends. So I guess being uncool has its upsides.

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear about the death of Callisto Mich and I hope that in time you will begin to feel better and realise that you shouldn't mourn the kitty's death but celebrate it's life. I'm going through the exact same opiate problem (well, tramadol's a synthetic opiate I suppose), that you are and it's not a fun place to be but honestly if it helps you sleep I can see why you'd do that, I really can Mich. I seriously hope that you feel okay soon Mich because what you're going through right now doesn't sound like one bit of fun and all of this upset can not be good for your health, feel well soon.

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  11. This is awful, so awful. i feel terrible that things are hitting you so hard. Your beloved kitty is gone and you are so, so sad and there is nothing i can do except tell you how very sorry i am.....

    i am not coping at all well with life these days and have sunk into the bottle......uck. And am a fat bitch.

    Please try hard to hang in there the best you can, we all love you so very much.

    Thank you for the note on my former blob!


    xoxo,
    tracy

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  12. I feel like a horrible person because, while I sympathize with how miserable this is making you, your pictures make me laugh involuntarily and then I feel jealous because they're so good and they're amazing even though you're a mess...while my paint pix are pathetic and there's nothing really wrong with me at all except that I'm lazy and suck and ms paint..

    And umm...if you were here, I would feed you curry and shrooms and we could trip balls in the park because in my experience, shrooms lets all the subconscious angst out in ways other drugs don't. And parks are great at night. But maybe not by the lake coz I think one of us would drown.

    xoxox

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  13. You haven't lost your sense of humor, even if it's just for blog show and/or out of habit. I think that is a good sign. Missing your best friend/child/demon/other half is perfectly normal, everybody copes like the snowflake they are.

    XO


    PS. I am inviting myself to this Shroom Rendezvous in the park.

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  14. I'm so sorry, babe. I know how hard it is to lose a beloved pet. I remember when the cat I'd had since childhood died, my freshman year in college. My entire family broke down crying in the middle of Wendy's.

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  15. Oh hunni! :( It must be a terrible time for you, but you can pull through this :) We are all here for you, maybe plant a tree or a plant in memory and bury the ashes under it? xx

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  16. Sending my sympathies Mich. That was a lucky cat to have you as a friend, and I'm sure Callisto knew it!

    Sea

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  17. You probably don't remember unless all my mopey picture posts caught your eye, but I lost my 10 year old dog just over a year ago. I gave her a bath and noticed she was bigger on one side of her waist than the other. Took her to the vet, got a diagnosis of advanced aggressive (untreatable) cancer and spent the next 3 weeks watching her go from almost normal to unbearable pain & disability.

    So I've been there. Very truly literally. I almost failed my final semester of college because I didn't know how to lose the 10-year companion I'd had since her first week of life (stray/orphan litter brought into the vet where I worked), while bearing the guilt of not noticing something was wrong sooner. (Trying not to cry sitting here typing about it). I was probably borderline nonhuman for a month after. I knew when 3, 6, 9 months and a year had passed since I lost her. It does get better. Maybe not quickly, not easily, but it gets better.

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  18. I can't even imagine what will happen to me when either of my cats die. My guess is that I will do just as you are.

    I'm so, so, so very sorry! Hugs from across the miles. I really wish I could do something to help cheer you up a bit. Just remember that you loved her very well when she was alive and that she has a wondeful life.


    ~MLM

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  19. Stupid computer ate my comment. Just please know how very sorry i am.

    Love, tracy

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  20. Don't know if it helps or if you've heard this but:
    Procedure of acceptance:
    Denial--> Depression--> Anger--> Bargaining--> Acceptance
    ...or so it's said

    M

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  21. I'm so sorry, sweetpea. I do understand, I went through the same thing with Riley. I pray that things will get easier for you. All my love. :) ♥♥♥

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