Tuesday, February 12, 2013

drop your drawers


I think I'm possessed.

Or maybe there's something I need to change in my diet.

Like seriously, Idk what's wrong with me.

There has been some kind of gargantuan spike in my hormones.

I feel like I'm turning into an animal. A vicious one.

For reals

last week the plumber came to fix the sink that's been leaking for like 6 years

and OMG you guys

he looked like Shawn Michaels.
He has the most perfect rear end that God ever bestowed upon a man. 
I had to leave the house. I went to run it off at the gym, because otherwise I think I'd have been arrested for sexual assault.

Paul#2 is getting afraid of me.

He tried to give me some bullsh*t over the weekend about being too tired/drunk (read: he wants to lay there and do nothing while I do all the work)

and I was like ummmmmmmmmmmm that doesn't really work for me.

.........Tired or no, afterwards he slept like baby for a solid 10 hours.

Then I felt like a giant whore yesterday because I had to go to CVS and get Plan B (or whatever the generic version is called).

(Then again I suppose feeling like a whore for 5-10 minutes with the pharmacist is a better choice than making my sister throw me down the stairs a few months from now.)

Some purchases will always be awkward. You wouldn't think so in this day and age. I mean we all know that women have their monthlies and need tampons, or that sometimes your bowels get a lil irregular and you need laxatives, or that it is normal for people to have sex and thus require condoms; but it's still nerve-wracking actually going out to buy these things.

Like buying your super-turbo-plus tampons. That is never NOT awkward. Because the person at the register is always

ALWAYS

a teenage boy.

Whoever got the bright idea to put "Gentle Glide" on a box of tampons should be punched in the uterus because slapping a box of those down on the CVS counter where the sexually frustrated fifteen-year-old can see them and know that they are going somewhere he has never been is the most awkward thing that can ever happen.

I used to love the self checkout in the A&P. I thought it was the greatest invention ever, because you could go buy your pads and tampons and baby butt cream (for dry noses and freshly-shaved bikini lines) and Ex-Lax and condoms without having to deal with those awkward moments and judgmental sideways glances.

But of course, because it's ME and I was apparently given the Murphy's-Law-Fairy instead of a guardian angel like everyone else, the second time I tried doing my stealth-awkward-grocery-item-shopping, the mf self checkout turned on me.

The machine apparently had some trouble reading the bar code on a box of tampons.

Why the customer-needs-help alarms on those self checkout machines need to be at the same decibel as a Slayer concert when the attendant is only three feet away is beyond me.

So every single person in the A&P got a good look at me with my giant box of tampons in my hand, and the remaining items in my basket:

I was baking later. I swear.

...

Pardon me while I go attempt to seduce the new FedEx guy.

Monday, February 4, 2013

time to complain some more


(skip this if you're worried about Game of Thrones spoilers... or if, you know, you just don't care)

::beginrant::

You know who really pisses me the eff off??

Catelyn Stark.

Seriously.

WHAT

THE

F*CK

She's an effing train wreck. EVERY SINGLE DECISION she makes ends in doom and destruction for her family.

And what pisses me off double is that I actually liked her in the TV series. I mean I had already read books 1 - 3 by the time I started watching it, but with what's her name playing Catelyn, I kind of liked her. (Actually, the same goes for a lot of the characters in the series that I hated in the books, like Ser Jorah, and Osha, and Tywin Lannister....)

Let's begin with that time someone came to assassinate Bran. The assassin was killed by Bran's direwolf, and Catelyn--armed with the letter her sister had sent her a while back, which was FULL OF LIES, about the murderous nature of the Lannisters (I mean they're all douchebags, but at that point in the story no one had ANY CONCRETE REASON WHATSOEVER to think the Lannisters were committing numerous acts of treason)
...where was I? Oh yeah so Catelyn decided that OBVIOUSLY the Lannisters are responsible for Bran's near-death, and so she ventures off to King's Landing to *find out more information*.

So at King's Landing, Peter Baelish says of the attempted murder weapon oh hey, that's MY knife, I lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister.

He says he lost it in a bet with Tyrion Lannister, because Peter claims he bet on Jamie Lannister and not the Mountain Clegane at a joust. And the Mountain won.

And the Starks buy this explanation.

What the f*ck.

Are you people retarded.

It took like 2 more books for George R. R. Martin to come out and say what makes this so retarded.

Tyrion is a f*cking LANNISTER. He's not going to bet against his brother. So right away the Starks should have known that Peter Baelish is full of shite.
Jamie Lannister - one of only two characters in this series who does NOT deserve to die.
But no. Catelyn goes off back to Winterfell with murder on the mind. And lo and behold, by chance she runs into Tyrion Lannister at an inn.

And has everyone in the inn gang up on him so she can take him prisoner.

A Lannister. Arrested. By a WOMAN. For no real reason other than she's *pretty certain* he arranged to have her son killed.

And then instead of taking him to King's Landing, or back to Winterfell, she takes Tyrion to the Eyrie, where her BATSH*T CRAZY sister lives.

Naturally, when the Lannisters find out about this, they more or less go to war because Tyrion has been unjustly imprisoned.

This is pretty much what starts the War.

The War. The War that is the plot of this entire series. The War that destroyed the seven kingdoms, the war that made and killed like 5 kings, and pretty much killed and maimed EVERYONE.

It got started because Catelyn Stark SUCKS ASS.

Let's jump ahead to when Robb Stark (Catelyn's eldest son, and King in the North) is trying to plan his war against the Lannisters, and Catelyn led him to make one awful decision after another.

Like that time she convinced him to put Roose Bolton in charge of one of the attacks.

Oh and that other time she went to negotiate with the Freys on Robb's behalf. Now in fairness, I realize that decision is partially Robb's fault because he let her go,

BUT

Catelyn basically hands over everything she has to these f*cking peasant Freys who breed like rabbits. She takes on wards, makes them squires, and promises Robb will marry one of the Frey women, just so poor Robb can CROSS A F*CKING BRIDGE.

Ummmm what

And then by chance Robb (who is 16 and full of male hormones) finds a pretty girl somewhere else and screws her, and then marries her after because he's a nice f*cking guy. So of course now Big Daddy Frey is pissed because Robb was supposed to marry one of his daughters.

Ohhh no but it's ok. The Freys can marry a daughter off to Catelyn's brother instead, and the Freys will throw an awesome feast for the wedding and totally make nice with Robb even though he SHAMED THEM.

And so Catelyn takes her brother and her eldest son to the wedding with the Freys.

And the Freys F*CKING MASSACRE THEM. And Robb Stark is killed.

I cannot even begin to articulate how I upset this made me.

But the fact that Catelyn Stark was finally murdered made me feel a little better.

For like 2 seconds.

Somehow, the outlaw Dondarrion (who I thought totally ruled until this point) brought Catelyn Stark back to life.

And what does Zombie Catelyn do? 
ORDERS THE DEATH OF THE  
      O N E       A N D       O N L Y    P E R S O N    who gave a sh*t about finding her daughters alive and bringing them home safely.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:O

CATELYN MUST BE STOPPED. KILLED. AGAIN.

WITH FIRE.