Sunday, June 24, 2012

earth laughs in flowers

As many of y'all may recall, I went to Colorado for the last week in May. I've just now gotten around to getting the photos up on the internets. It took me a while, as I had a total of 15 rolls of film to get developed, and the costs of same were rather daunting--$6 to get each roll developed, and then $12 to have the photos stuck on a CD = $270. So instead, I bought a negative scanner. It cost me about $80, and thus saved me $100. Word.




...And it pretty much rules. I've spent most of today scanning the negs and uploading the photos to my website


Colorado made for some pretty fabulous photos, if I do say so myself. Though I always feel like I'm not really doing anything artistic or great in taking pictures of awesome things--it's really the forest or the mountains or God or whatever that should take most of the credit. 


I even got some good bird pics!


Hope you guys like the photos. :) So far I've got the bird-watching and the Rocky Mtn. State Park photos up. The rest will be posted at some point in the near future....

Thursday, June 21, 2012

away with me they run


I'm not sure who's running the Department of Public Works in my town, but all of them need to be tossed into a deep river in a sack filled with big rocks.

This is where I live:

 Despite the fact that the rest of the town's roads are pitted with epic tire-destroying potholes because they haven't bothered to repair any of them in 3 years, my street and its surrounds aren't too bad.

So, naturally, the town should tear up and repave my street and the entire network of streets surrounding it.

I realize that it must take lots of planning to do road works and stuff. You've got to map out which roads you're going to repair and when and how you're going to shut them down without disrupting the residents too much.

But I'd really like to know what kind of demented cretin decided, "Hey let's have the construction guys roll into a neighbourhood made up entirely of 9 - 5 office workers at around 8.00 in the morning on a weekday.......

......and that way they can have all access to the main roads completely blocked by 8.30, just in time for everyone leaving for work."

Makes total sense.

-______________-

I actually left for work early today. I still got to work late. Last week, getting to work was like an obstacle course of trying to avoid road works on the main roads (there was actually NO POSSIBLE WAY to get to work without getting stuck in giant traffic jams caused by road works). This morning, it was an obstacle course trying to get off my street. And all the upper-middle-class twats on my street were also trying to get out, so it was BEDLAM.

Ummmmmm here's an idea, folks. Why not start the road works at 9.00, when all the residents have already gone off to their jobs??

LIKE DUH.

I dread to think what will await me when I get home at 5.30. Since these are the same people who, in winter,  like to plow my street [3 days after the snow storm] so that there's a two-foot pile of snow across the bottom of my driveway (and my driveway is like a vertical drop), I'm sure it will be something fantastic.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

It's evil; don't touch it!

Sorry, no proper post today. Idk when I'll get round to proper posts again. Thanks everyone, for your massive amounts of support. ♥ I love you all very much. 


I am not being Put Away.


...Yet.


I may be put on medication, but shrinkydink wants to see me a couple more times before she farms me out to a psychiatrist for pills. 


Don't really know how I feel. I haven't consumed more than 400 calories a day since Sunday, June 10th, except on the weekend when I was force fed by Mumsy. And it's not in an attempt to lose weight--it's stress, and since I lost Callisto on Friday, it has gotten worse because there's no bingey-days to counter the starve-a-thon days. I cannot eat for pleasure, as I would during a binge. Eating my feelings just doesn't work right now.


I'm crying myself to sleep at night over my cat, but feel numb and hollow during the day. My writing is scattered and inconsistent. (Kind of like this post.) Bipolar Auntie and Cousin L are here, so that's helping keep me distracted when I'm home.


The next three days:
- Lil Sis's high school graduation tomorrow, which will be held outside in the blazing heat;
- Then dinner out afterwards with the fam;
- Lil Bro #2's high school graduation on Friday;
- Then dinner out with the other fam;
- Barbeque at home on Saturday, for Lil Sis's graduation, and Mum has invited everyone she knows. I'll be cooking on the barbeque. Not sure if I'm looking forward to the bbq or not, because I can't decide if I want to around lots of people so I can be distracted, or if I just want to be left alone;
- Second barbeque at a friend's house on Saturday night, if I can find the energy to go. He's a new-ish friend, though I've known him for years. He bartends at the restaurant Mum and I frequent, and I think Mum may be trying to st me up with him. 
LOL.
- Sunday, hopefully I'll get to see Prometheus, because I've wanted to go for 2 weeks and the only person who will go see it with me (M) has the worst work schedule ever. 


I apologize for any prolonged absences from here. I need to get my head together. You can find me on Tumblr if y'all get desperate. ^_^



Tuesday, June 12, 2012

too weird to live, too rare to die

You guys are way too kind to me. I feel like I don't deserve it at all. I feel like an awful person and so I sincerely apologize to anyone who was worried or distressed in any way by that last post. ♥


An update I guess...


I'm not dead. 


(obviously.)


Or am I?


But I'm definitely not ok. Nothing all that severe happened; it was really just one of those final straw moments--something in my brain broke on Sunday night. I think I have finally reached the point where I can admit that I need help (and y'all know I don't do that easily). The wounds seem to be alright--they're getting regular dousings in alcohol and hydrogen peroxide and bacitracin, and are currently bound up with butterfly bandages and gauze, all of which leaves me walking kind of funny. I shall probably never be able to wear shorts or a bathing suit ever again. 


I've got to hold it together until next Wednesday, at which time I shall be Evaluated. It probably should be sooner, but I would much rather be in the primary care of my old shrink and she's not available until then. So the emergency xanax prescription shall hopefully keep me afloat until the Professionals decide whether or not I need a short rest in the home for the bewildered. Since that place makes Hell look like a holiday in the Bahamas, I'm really hoping for Not. 


Ugh.



Friday, June 8, 2012

I am an honest man when I ain't lying.

I love how you can tell how bad a problem is by how your female Irish relatives feed you.

(I'm sure other nationalities can be like this as well, but I wasn't raised by other nationalities, so I wouldn't know.)


When you go crying to your mummy or granny or auntie with some terrible tale of woe, they will automatically try and fix your problem with something consumable. I do it as well now, and have come to realize that I was well trained in this art without ever realizing it.

You should always pay attention when you go crying to Irish ladies, because what they give you will tell you if your problem is really as bad as you think it is.


You would think that growing up in an environment in which all problems can be solved with food or drink, I would have fewer issues with food. Or maybe I should have more.

-____-


Don't ever do drugs, kids. At least not opiates.

JUST DON'T START.

At the risk of sounding like a D.A.R.E. officer, you only need to try it once before it can ruin your life. Since kicking the vitamins* back in March, I still find myself wanting them at some point every single day. I still find myself mentally justifying the use of vitamins*, and oft do I lament the fact that no matter how *great* it is to be drug-free, sometimes I would still rather be a zombie-slave to vitamins* than continue living every day without them.

Actually "sometimes" is an understatement. Like seriously, most of the time I would rather risk trashing my internal organs and eventually dying of an overdose than continuing to not do vitamins*. Does that make me a bad recovering drug addict? Or a stronger recovering drug addict, because despite all those feelings, I'm still not doing drugs? I don't know anymore.

Remember how my ex vitamin*-friend nemesis really screwed me over a while back? I got my revenge after all. >:) 
I happen to know a guy who knows a guy who knows the police chief in the town where she ended up getting arrested a few months ago (though she herself was not actually caught with drugs) and through this chain of connections, I fed the cops there a few choice pieces of information. Enough information that they transferred her case to the County as a criminal matter, and THAT B*TCH IS GOING TO JAIL. That's what happens when you screw me out of $350.00.

Told you I'm not kidding when I get mad.


Still blocked in the way of book-writing. I know why as well, but that only makes it harder.

In most cases, obsession makes amazing fuel for creativity. Obsessions with things and places and themes and whatnot lead to stories about said obsessions. Pretty much everything I've ever written is the result of some fixation or another.

But then sometimes you get obsessed with something or someone that cannot be easily turned into a novel through the usual creative processes.

My last obsession with a musician accidentally spawned what would become the Underwood series. But that was.... different. I was more fixated on Brian Molko's face than with the entire package of Placebo the band and their music and everything.

And then I just turned that face into a character that became a thing entirely separate from Brian Molko and thus I was cured of the obsession and ended up writing 3 books (+ about 1/4 of the 4th one, before I hit a wall).
the exquisite artwork of Elk

But I don't know how to do that this time.

No joke--I have not listened to any music other than 16 Horsepower and Wovenhand in over a month. And I have their music playing CONSTANTLY if I'm in the car, at work, or at home (like right now). I don't recall ever doing this with any other band or composer, ever. It's worse than the drug addiction. Like I CAN'T FUNCTION without them.

During the week I was in Colorado, I spent about half an hour every morning and between 90 minutes to two hours at night sneaking in time with my ipod. I tried not doing that the third night and I actually couldn't sleep, even doped up to high heaven on diphenhydramine.

Wtf is wrong with me.

I guess I'll just have to go with it. Because there's no fighting my obsessions. And I suppose I technically can't overdose on music, right?

OMNOMNOMNOMNOMONOMNOMNOM

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I clap my dirty hands, given over to self and left to own devices; a quaking in the person.

I have achieved something truly epic.

The birds usually start up outside between 4.30 and 5.00 AM. Sure that's kind of early, but I suppose there are worse ways to wake up than by a gradual awakening to bird songs.

You know how when noises gradually wake you up, they can find their way into your dreams, and then into your semi-conscious thoughts before you're properly awake?

This morning:



This, my friends, is the Northern Mockingbird:

We get the same family of them in the tall tree in my front yard every spring and summer. Since they returned in early spring, I have spent hours using my phone to play them Star Wars sound effects. Specifically, the sounds of R2D2 flipping out.

The mockingbirds started incorporating R2D2 noises into their repertoire a while back, but they still weren't quite perfect. Funny enough, one of them added it to his imitation of the wood thrush song, which I taught to last year's babies. Then this morning, one of the grown up mockingbirds perched hisself on the gutter directly outside my open window, and R2D2'ed his little heart out.

Made my whole year. I'm trying to get a good video of him doing it, but of course every time I whip out the camera, he starts singing something else.


I have writer's block.

Like seriously. I got nothing. All projects are currently at a standstill. I feel lost. Adrift in a dark ocean that contains nothing but Tumblr, Walking Dead reruns, and David Eugene Edwards.

I broke a nail. It kind of hurts. I think it might be infected or something. It's gross.

Monday, June 4, 2012

say something secret in an old order hush

I am home once again!! I never realized how much I love the rain. 

Colorado was super fun. I spent most of my week there eating, but it kind of balanced out because I spent the other half of my time walking. We did a 10 mile hike in the Rocky Mountains on Tuesday, and 'twas epic. Also, I am apparently totally immune to changes in altitude. 

Even more epic, I got to hang with Kazehana! We had a lovely dinner, tried to coerce my friend D into going to a strip club, failed, and then went to a couple bars in Boulder instead. 

Kazehana thinks I have marvelous boobs. ^_^

Not sure when the Colorado photos will go up, as I now have 16 rolls of film I need to develop. I'm thinking of getting a negative scanner, but idk which one to get. I don't want to spend too much $$, but even a $100 scanner plus the cost of developing only the negatives will most likely result in a smaller amount of money than getting the negatives plus a CD with the photos on it...

Anyone have/use a negative scanner? I'd love some recommendations.

In sadder news, my cousin's cat Peaches died yesterday. :**(

She was 18, and still the size of a kitten. She was also quite deaf, which is how she got hit by the car. 

 Lil Sis and I have now realized that Callisto is also quite deaf. You need to make lots of loud noise if you come up behind her in order to avoid getting mauled. She seems to be doing better since she started her meds though, which is good. She's eating more and looking slightly less scrawny. 

Speaking of eating more...
So yeah that week in CO left me feeling uncomfortably large in my work trousers. The biggest pair of work trousers. I don't know how to attempt to lose the extra weight without going insane again. I'm going to try though. Exercising daily, not eating junk, and maybe eating a bit less than I have been (since before my holiday, at least). Shall see how that goes...

Hopefully I can come up with a proper post soon, and make the rounds on blogger to catch up with everyone. I missed you all terribly!!

.......and now more music, because I am officially obsessed infatuated.