Tuesday, August 7, 2012

No Father, it's just fizzy water.


The books shall be mailed out at some point in the near future... (Don't worry, those of you who messaged me--I won't forget you.)


I love how I have the same conversation with my mother over and over and over and over ad nauseam. Actually now that I think of it, we have many conversations over and over again, because Mum (though I love her unconditionally) does not pay attention, or listen. Ever.


Seriously, it's been the same since we got the internet. 

Like is she kidding

::patienceisavirtue::



Funny how sometimes you end up eating your words.
better than stuffing my face with actual cereal... 
Remember that post I did a while back, about the intense awkwardness I felt going to Dadum's church?

...
............

I've started going to church with Dad, Stepmom, and the Little Bros.

Regularly. And without being coerced or guilted into going. YES, my fellow Catholic brethren, I think I have officially defected.

I thought I'd kept it on the DL, but apparently Dad told Big Sis#2 of my recent churchgoing. Our text conversation from last week:

Big Sis#2: "I hear you've been staying over at Dad's and going to church. Think you made his year. What are you planning?? Mum must think you've lost it"

Mich: "DON'T TELL MUM."

Big Sis#2: "You're seriously going to church now"

Mich: "Yes. I don't know. I think maybe I've lost my mind. I'm depressed."

Big Sis#2: "Traitor!"

Mich: "-____-"

Big Sis#2: "Awww honey, but why are you depressed?"

Where do I even begin? I hate my job, I hate Bergen County, I hate my life, I hate that my cat is dead, I hate Stepdad and wish he was dead, and I hate that I feel that way and that he's made me feel that way, and I hate that I hate everything, and I feel trapped, and I need to GET OUT. The shrink isn't really helping. The vitamins* aren't helping and I really need to work on quitting them again. The drinking every night isn't helping and it's going to put me in an early grave if I don't cut it out. Writing isn't helping because I'm more blocked than my sinuses are from the vitamins*. Nothing helps; nothing makes the awful feelings go away. So I started going to church with Dad.

And it's helping. A little.

 I don't think I'm going to become like the crazies who think God hates gay people and abortion doctors, or the people who take the Bible as literal, word for word, believing the earth was literally created in 7 days and that the mere idea of evolution is heresy***. My beliefs haven't changed, not one bit. Just the practise of them has changed. Or perhaps the intensity of that practise?

Mum doesn't know yet, but I have a feeling that my days of secrecy are numbered. Eventually she's going to cop on to the fact that I'm spending every Saturday night at Dad's not just to hang out more with my bros (like when they go back to college and I keep going to Dad's she'll probably catch on...). Or she's going to catch me reading one of these nights (or on a weekend morning).

...most people do this with things like porn...
She already thinks I'm insane. This will make her think I need hospitalization.

Oh well. 





***[At the risk of possibly offending some of my readers (not my intention at all), I don't get the the issues with believing in evolution. Like for real, God in His infinite wisdom made all the livings on earth capable of changing and adapting to keep up with a changing environment. That's effing genius. If He hadn't done that, lots more species of animals and insects and whatnot could have died off. Like DUH. How is it blasphemous to accept, or even simply consider that notion?

Idk.... It just seems so obvious.]

23 comments:

  1. As we used to say in the Navy, "Roger that."
    I'm really going to have to meet that guy "Roger" one day.

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  2. I'm glad you're posting again =]
    And I know how it is with the password thingy. People forget the simple things and remember the random little complicated details for decades... I don't understand it lol

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  3. I'm sorry to hear you're depressed, but I'm always happy to see you around. I don't really know what to suggest for the depression other than you do need to get out more. Going to Church is helping. Maybe you should spend more time with your dad and see how things go, it could just be spending time with him and your brothers and getting away from everything that helps. Churches are very safe places, unless you're an 8 year old boy.

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  4. Hey, babe. I've missed you. Sorry you're feeling icky. Seems like a lot of us aren't coping very well with life right now. That's cool that you're enjoying going to church. Whatever helps, ya know?

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  5. Just going to give you an "amen" and say I'm glad you're finding comfort there. I know its hard to say that I "know exactly how you feel," but perhaps in this little respect, I can really relate.

    P.S. I love the idea of Luna Lovegood reading the Bible under the covers :)

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  6. <3 x a million

    and your *** is EXACTLY WHAT I THINK AND CAN'T SAY TO SCIENCE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY LOOK DOWN ON ME. T_T

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  7. Your mum and mine, in a locked room. With a lock that can only be activated by a password and a fingerprint scan. My mom knows the password but your mom has to use her fingers. Will they manage to escape?

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  8. I missed you!! So glad you posted, even if it's a "life sucks" post.

    I am still VERY sorry about your cat. I thought about you so often when it happened, and I can't even imagine how hard it is to come home and to be missing a beloved pet. SO MANY HUGS YOUR WAY!!!

    And you sound really restless about your life in general, and that makes me sad, because YOU ARE SUPER AWESOME <333

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  9. Refusing to believe that living organisms adapt to their surroundings is a whole world of stupid and separate from whether life spontaneously appeared from nothing then over time became human. Have you heard of Expelled, a film by Ben Stein (Jewish)? It talks about Intelligent Design (TOTALLY different from creationism) and you might enjoy hearing his take on the meeting of religion & science.

    I don't think the Bible justifies hatred of anyone. It says "God is love." Jesus hung out with tax collectors and hookers - doesn't sound like a hateful guy to me. Sure, the Bible lists a lot of things as sin, some of which are controversial in today's culture. It also says we're all sinners and not to criticize the sin in someone else's life when you can't even see your own.

    I've set all this stuff on the back burner for a long time but I'm wanting to figure out where I stand and how it all fits in to my own life. Big Questions. No easy answers. Let us know how it goes when mum finds out!

    ~Can't tell you how excited I was to see a post from you in my feed
    ~Had a good LoL at "If Kazemom and Michmom were..." comments

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  10. So sad about yur kitty. That is a huge loss. I still remember my first pet, a guinea pig! And everytime a cat died me and Mom were both basket cases crying in each other's arms. You have a right to feel sad!
    Going to church can be good. it does depend on the church. i hope you don't go crazy.. I'm gay :( and i want Mich to stay friends with meeee!!!!

    I once knew a gay boy who'd been raised Catholic and converted to Wicca because he had been so hurt by the religious types who'd raised him. Later I found about 1/3 of the members in a Wicca group at my college had also been raised Roman Catholic. it's interesting.

    Chick-Fil-A and Amway are both anti-gay.. the religious crazies have too much money and power :(

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/07/amway-anti-gay-marriage-lgbt-boycott-_n_1752674.html

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-devin/chik-fil-a-gay_b_1731532.html

    Love you!

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  11. Well if going to Church helps you then by all means continue to do so. If your shrink isn't helping I'd suggest you find a new one. Generally you should be seeing some sort of improvement by the 6th week.

    Best of luck with the depression, I hope that blogging is helping you out at least.

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  12. I don't want to date religion with you Mich because I find it awesome that you've been going more often, Catholicism is awesome, I just wish I could believe it myself. That story about your mum asking you the same question after 12 years is ridiculous, you mightn't have anything to worry about for a long time in all honesty if she's that bad!

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  13. Your Mum and mine must have been separated at birth. Countless lessons later and she still cannot work out how to log on to FaceBook -.-

    If it helps you, do it. If it doesn't, stop. I think you're too smart to turn into a scary Westboro-Baptist-type fundie, but I have honestly seen weirder things happen. Stick to your moral compass and remember to question things that don't seem right.

    If you ever need someplace to escape to for a few weeks, my house is your house and there are plenty of cool new-to-you birds to investigate.

    *hugs* Take care of yourself, ok? Arohanui <3

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  14. I agree with your evolution statement.

    If going to church is making you feel better, then keep going. Don't worry about what other people think.

    I've never been a "Bible Thumper" and God himself knows I don't believe that gays or abortion doctors are going to hell either, but I've always believed and God. I'm a liberal Christian I guess...

    (I'm Catholic, too. Converted about a year and a half ago because my husband is Catholic. I've never liked to place a certain denomination on my faith, but I do find I like the Catholic church the best....even if I don't agree with all if their beliefs.)

    ~MLM

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  15. Daisy did WHAT? Little brat!

    I'm feeling a bit better. I think the crazy pills are starting to kick in, or I'm just so tired I'm not able to process anything that's not right in front of my face.

    I hope you're ok. Love you tons <3

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  16. My dad keeps trying to get me to go to church with him, but I always tell myself I would feel like a hypocrite. If it is making you feel better, even just a little bit then stick to it. It's worth a shot, and your mom should try to be supportive no matter what. Hope things work out!

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  17. I'm a Christian, with no apologies. I'm fairly close to fundamental, for that matter. But, as regards evolution, I believe you're spot on. If God had not intended for things to change (evolve) then EVERYTHING would be static and unchanging. We'd always have the same weather, for instance, and the same season, and the same views of the heavens, and a trillion other things. Some species that have died out would not have died out. I mean, it's God we're talking about! If He wanted the dodo around for another thousand years, it would still be here. God absolutely revels in change! Otherwise, there would be no hope for us, would there? If we were unchanging and completely as we were meant to be from the beginning, then we would never even change a thought, and how else would we realize that we need His saving grace? To deny evolution is to deny the very nature of our God.

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  18. I'm sorry you're so unhappy love. I'm glad you have found a spiritual practice, we all need one. Love you lots. :)

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  19. Wow she can't remember Password! Maybe you should change it one day for fun! Make it Swordfish or Don't talk to me!

    If your mom can't remember that password is your password, I don't think she'll be figuring out your secret anytime soon.

    (also the Pope and the Catholic church have stated Evolution did happen, its basically just a few Christain churches in America that have a hard time grasping genetics/evolution.)

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We say whatever we want to whomever we want, at all times.