Sunday, September 18, 2011

Aux contraire mon cher; he could eat the whole colony.


I unearthed a film from my childhood yesterday: Slipstream. Very strange, low-budget scifi that didn't make sense when I was 6 and does not make sense now. Do yourself a favour and go watch it. 

Idk... I've been on a Bill Paxton kick lately. Like BP circa the 1980's. I'm pretty sure this is Will's fault. And even if it's not, I'm going to say it is anyway.




.....This is kind of an abrupt change in subject, but I feel the need to complain about How Twilight Ruined Vampires for Everyone. 

I realize I might be in the minority with my hatred of the Twilight series, and of course everyone is entitled to like or dislike whatever they so choose without being judged for it, but I seriously effing the Twilight series. I read all 4 books--I FORCED myself to read all 4 books because I kept thinking to myself, "these books have sold like a bazillion copies; it has to get good at some point."

Negative.

Book 1 had promise, but then it never really went anywhere. I didn't mind the 1st movie, but that was because they took the book and cut out everything that was unnecessary and condensed it into 2 hours. Book 2 was like reading the diary of the World's Most Hopelessly Besotted Crybaby. By the end of the book, I wanted Bella to DIE a horrible and painful death. Book 3..... I have like no memory of book 3 except for the fact that I thought it didn't have much of a plot. I tried watching the film to refresh my memory, but after 3 attempts of not being able to get through more than the first 20 minutes, I had to admit defeat.

But Book 4 was actually pretty good. It had all the things that the first 3 books lacked, and all the things that are necessary for a good vampire story--action, violence, some ACTUAL romance instead of just Bella whingeing for a solid 200+ pages, good guys vs. bad guys... I wasn't crazy about the bits told from Jacob's POV, but I liked that book in general. I'm pretty sure the author could have condensed the 1st 3 books into one book, therefore making it a pretty decent two-book series. 

But my Large Problem with the Twilight series is the vampires themselves. 

You can't have invincible vampires. You can't have invincible ANYTHING if they're also main characters of the story. It completely violates all the laws of nature. (Trust me on this.) And vampires that sparkle?!?? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?? They're VAMPIRES for feck's sake. They cannot go out in the sun because they will DIE, not because they will glitter. 

And you know because of the Twilight series, now no one can do vampire books or movies and still be taken seriously. There was a time when the good vampire story actually had some value. Now? 

No.

Now it gets compared to Twilight

Vampires used to be awesome, too. And we used to see a lot of vampires in movies, and in books. Dracula alone has spawned like 50+ movies. Vampire stories are among my favourites in the horror genre. I always dreamed of one day writing a good vampire book, and perhaps seeing it made into a film. Now that can never happen. 

So I think we should all have a few moments of quiet reflection to remember the vampires who have suffered because of Twilight. REAL vampires, who could not go out in daylight, who sometimes slept in coffins, who could fly or levitate, who were actually hot, and who were about 100 times more bad ass that Edward Cullen. 

We must never forget one of the original Great Vampire Movies:

Or the ridiculously awesome early vampire slayers:

There was the Stephen King-style homage to Nosferatu:

I even liked that anime vampire movie, and I'm not really that into anime:

And of course there were the Freaking Awesome Vampires:

Vampires, early 90's-style:

Super awesome vampires that actually EXPLODE in sunlight:

Possibly the most awesome vampires ever:

Cheesy, but still super fun vampires:

Super adorable vampires:

Super hot historically accurate vampires:

And let's not forget perhaps the most awesome, most classic vampire of all:

That movie was a work of art. 

Some of the new ones had promise, but they seem to get overlooked. Like Let Me In was AWESOME. And 30 Days of Night was pretty good, too. 

But no, you mention vampires and everyone is automatically like ooooooh Edward!!

>:(

Ok I'll shut up now. 

But bloody, violent, daylight-fearing vampires are still way more badass. 


21 comments:

  1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM Heyheyhey, you totally need to watch that. Totally. Must. Watch. That. That's all I have to say.

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  2. I'm a HUGE Twilight fan (books and movies), but I totally get what you're saying. :)

    And OMG, the Little Vampire was my FAVORITE movie when I was like 8!! I love vampire movies, so I'm definitely going to watch those ones you mentioned. You didn't put the titles to a couple of them! What's the one with the exploding vampires? And the last one?

    Going to check out Slipstream now... Weird 80's scifi movies are the best!

    xo

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  3. I hate Twilight. HATE. I tried for force myself to read the books but they are SO BORING I just can't. I've got too many other books to read that are actually good. and the movies??? I just don't LIKE Bella. She's a boring idiot and I don't care what happens to her so while she sits there doing NOTHING, staring with wide eyes and open mouth, I couldn't care less. I DON'T understand the hype and the love. I just don't. I'm not one of those people who goes "oh everyone loves that, it's so mainstream so i'm gonna hate it to be cool" I'm 36 years old, I don't care about being cool, MY HUSBAND likes it. SO I have everything going for me TO like it and I don't. Because it's boring. I have to say: hubby likes it because he FORCED himself to listen to the audio books so he could keep up with conversations at work about it. Then he had invested so much time into it, he WANTED it to payoff. But even he says only the last book is worth anything.

    I love Anne Rice vampires the best.

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  4. I agree, 100%.

    Even Underworld and Blade have better vampires than Twilight.

    Also, Let The Right One In is one of my favorite vampire movies ever...is that the same as Let Me In? I think Let Me In is the american remake of Let The Right One In, yes? I never saw the american version, but the swedish film gave me a movie boner the size of a Vlasic kosher pickle.

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  5. Ah, "Interview with a Vampire" is amazing and Rudolf Martin in Dark Prince- oi he is sexy! I'm not much a Twilight person either. I read half the first book, watched the first movie, and only made it halfway through the second. I couldn't bring myself to continue because it had already bored me! However, I feel that I do not have the right to insult Twilight until I've read all the books and seen all the movies. But I'll take your word for it, I doubt they get much better!

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  6. THE LOST BOYS!

    I liked this post :]

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  7. I will go ahead and say that Twilight series isn't that great but to say that all the Vampires pre-twilght were good I would have to disagree.

    Love your new background and thabx for the support.
    Sam

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  8. Alucard.

    The ONLY Nosferatu.

    Alucard.

    Somehow I think he might even team up with Father Anderson to eradicate the Tweebs.

    (I haven't even tried reading the 4th book. They're a compulsive, undemanding read with no substance and a severe adjective deficit)

    <3

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  9. OH BUUHHJEEZZUUSSS. this NEEDED to be written. cheers to you, mich. cheers. as always, much love. <3

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  10. My 13 yr old half-sis adores Twilight.
    Nuff said.

    Ahhhh Buffy! The movie sucked. The series ROCKED. The tv Buffy is my hero!
    Seriously...I think I love Buffy the way you love Millenium.

    Do check out the youtube that baby sis (aka Starving Artist) gave you.

    I love your new banner pic! Awww such a cute couple.

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  11. Totally agree. What happened to dark, gothic vampires for adults? These days everything's marketed towards tweeny angsty emos with SHORT HAIR (vampires should always have long hair; this is just obvious).

    I know you're a fan of Harry Potter, but I sort of feel the same way about how JK Rowling has destroyed the fantasy genre with her children's books that adults can't seem to get enough of. I read a lot of fantasy, and feel rather resentful that authors in the fantasy genre are compared to JK Rowling as the benchmark. Or if you say you like to read fantasy people automatically say, "Oh, like Harry Potter?" No. Not like Harry Potter.

    Anyway, guess we can blame this on The Marketers (i.e. Satan's minions on earth).

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  12. i lvoe twilight the books and the movies but ur right everyone is entitles to their own opinon an dnot everyone likes everything i got into twilight b4 it got popular so i wasnt one of those who rea dit cause everyone else did i read it b4 them

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  13. Oh Jesus - THE LOST BOYS!

    One of my hands-down top favorite movies. Ever.
    (And my dad is an extra in the intro - awesome!)

    And The Little Vampire!

    I had a mad crush on that little vampire when I was like 11. Now I just feel like a pedo talking about that...

    (Also, I loved your Mad Men character! Best ever!)

    Love!!

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  14. Frank Langella as the Count.....yum. They got Lucy and Mina mixed up, but i forgave them because he was so hot. And "Interview....".
    Yesh.....sooooo yesh.

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  15. It might be that my age is showing, but I couldn't agree more! Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula is definitely my favourite! Lovely Gary Oldman!

    I'm not wild about how 'soap opera' True Blood has become, but I will forgive it, because the show is gory as hell and therefore tons of fun!

    I'm with Kazehana, Tony Curran in Underworld was such a treat! Scrummy ginga-ninja! Yeah, Baby! :)

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  16. I hate, hate, HATE Twilight! Just... NO! He is not a vampire. He is just a sparkly fairy and Bella needs to go and die the most painful death know to man. Extreme? Maybe. It is terrible though. And he isn't even hot!

    I preferred the TV series of Buffy to the movie. I thought the movie sucked balls.

    The Little Vampire! Oh my gosh! I have not seen that in years. I absolutely loved that movie as a kid and thought he was so cute. I hope he's a legal age now or I'm going to sound like the biggest perv in the world haha. xo

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  17. NOW the time has come I just NEED to comment on one of your entries :D . I've to admit that I read your blog for some time now ;) .

    But you're SO RIGHT with what you said about how Twilight has afflicted the vampire cult... and I too dislike Twilight. I want to vomit...!

    I also dreamt of writing a good, hot vampire novel somewhen... Now that has to stay a dream. *sigh*...

    And thank you so much for posting this picture of GO :)
    (Thank you anyway for posting anything :D . I love your blog!)

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  18. I'm not a big vampire guy at all, but I totally agree. Vampires are so cliche now. They're everywhere, and in everything. Is it the end of the trend yet? Please say it is.

    Also, I thought Buffy was the cheesiest movie (but in a good way...I think) and when Joss Whedon or whoever decided to make a TV show out of it, I thought it was the worst idea ever.

    Aaaannd that's why I'm not producing TV shows.

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  19. Try reading The Historian, it's one of the best vampire books, actually one of the best fictions I've read in a long time. Also! Where on earth is Bram Stoker? I know it's the book but you gotta have the traditionalist in there too! :P
    P.S I couldn't get through Twilight Book 1...and I wasn't even reading, I was listening to it on audiobook. That can't be good. Plus R Patz needs a wash...badly, he makes me ashamed to be British. x

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  20. haha love your post and agree 90% with your post (though I like the twilight saga), with the exeption that I liked the first 3 books more than the 4th. I dont mind no action, no violence and no romance stuff, I'm more into all the mental stuff that just happens in Bellas head.
    But the movies, of course, are utter crap, actor of edward is the ugliest actor I've ever seen playing a good-looking person (only actor thats more ugly is timothy spall (wormtail from harry potter) and hes supposed to look ugly)
    and the bread...er actress (with expressions like a bread) who plays Bella is so boring.
    :D
    well if all the fangirls would just shut up and they never made the books into a movie, we would all be alot happier :D

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  21. I know I'm late on this, but I have to agree....and I'm a Twilight fan!

    Twilight is kind of my guilty pleasure. It has that star crossed lovers feel that I like to indulge in every now and then.

    BUT...I do agree that it did ruin all vampires, especially when the movies were released. What a bunch of crap those movies turned out to be! The only saving grace in those movies is Taylor Lautner. Call me a cradle robber, but I would molest that boy within an inch of his life! (And that's only in the last 2 movies released...not the first Twilight. That movie was so bad I could hardly stand it!)

    Anywho, I have been obsessed with vampires since the day I saw "Interview with the Vampire" when I was 12. Ever since then I have read and watched every vampire related book and movie I can find. (Did you ever watch the short lived CBS show "Moonlight"? It's what my user name is based on. Such a great show!)

    'Salem's Lot is a work of absolute masterpiece that still scares the shit outta me (the book). And, I agree....Gary Oldman was the best Dracula that has ever graced the silver screen! My god...so Sexy! "Day Breakers" (movie) was awesome and "Let me In" gave me chills!

    So, my point is that even though I am a Twilight fan (of the books only), I have to agree that it has ruined all other vampires for the masses...esp. silly teenage girls.

    ~MLM

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