Tuesday, August 31, 2010

That was kind of a rough night.


It's been a while since I had a bad night terror/waking nightmare/3 AM panic attack/whatever the heck you want to call it because even my doctor doesn't even know what it is.

Something good did come out of - I threw out my stash of laxatives and plan on not taking them again for a very long time.

Last night, I went out for dinner with Mum and Little Sis. It had been really good all day: turkey bacon for breakfast (90), iced coffee (50) and an Atkins bar (120). I was good at dinner, too: turkey burger with no bun, and a side salad with low-fat ginger dressing. I did have some wine, but I try not to count that because usually it helps me get some actual sleep and that is a good thing. And then, most likely because I consumed too much wine and thus had fewer food inhibitions, I got home and had a mini tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream (190) with melted low fat peanut butter (180), and then 2 Fiber One bars (300). All in all, my whole day was still under 1500, so I wouldn't classify it a binge, but being drunk I still panicked. And being a creature of habit, I followed my usual pattern: stuff face --> panic --> take too many ex-lax.

I took 3 extra strength ex-lax. Usually after a big binge, I take 4; so 3 shouldn't kill me. (Not immediately, anyway). But I had taken quite a few laxies over the weekend, so I presume my body was just fed up with me and my ex-lax solutions. 

Fast forward to 3.00 AM. I could not sleep. Even with the 2 glasses of pinot grigio, 2 1/2 Sominex, and 1 1/2 Unisom, I still could not sleep. And my tummy was a-rumbling. Like hardcore.



Let me clarify what "not sleeping" is to an insomniac before I go any further. It's like Edward Norton says in Fight Club: when you're an insomniac, you are never really asleep, and you are never really awake. We live in a Half-World. Always half-awake, always half-dreaming, always half-conscious. Even at night, with sleep aids, we are rarely completely asleep. That whole REM cycle thing is long gone.

This can be a serious problem when you are half asleep at three in the morning, but are also half awake and conscious, and are having a ridiculously terrifying nightmare. Because your brain is somewhere between Stage 4 and REM sleep, your body is paralyzed. You cannot move. You can see and hear and feel your actual real-life surroundings, and you can also see and hear and feel whatever horrific things are existing in your nightmares. But there's feckall you can do about it. You can't even scream for help. You cannot blink or close your eyes. There could be demons sitting on your bed trying to burrow and claw their way into your chest, and you can only lay there and wonder when the heart attack is going to kick in. 


Something like that happened last night. I don't recall the actual nightmare, but when I flew out of my bed at 3.24 AM, I was in a full blown PANIC. Basically my heart was racing and palpitating from a combo of the nightmare and the sleepy pills, my digestive system was performing acrobatics because of the ex-lax, and my brain was not awake enough to put everything together in a logical manner and just calm the f*ck down. 

So the thoughts going through my head: Holy hand grenades, I AM GOING TO DIE. Right now!!! My heart is exploding and my intestines are shriveling up and preparing for evacuation and I'm going to die here in my bed in a pile of sh*t and blood and vomit and bile and no one is going to be able to rescue me in time and good god I can't call an ambulance because how the heck am I going to explain this?!?!?


At some point I must have passed out or just blacked out from stress because the next thing I know it's around 5.30 AM and I need the bathroom LIKE NOW.


But now my whole day is shot. It's like when a nightmare leaves you with that scared, panicky feeling long after you've woken up. My brain is not panicking or anxious. I'm a pretty logical, overly rational person when it comes to most things (obviously, not when it comes to eating), so I know there is no reason to be having an anxiety attack now, nearly 12 hours after the night terror. My brain knows it, but my body doesn't. It's still in panic-mode: cold sweat, racing heart with palpitations, and feeling shaky and fidgety in general. 


This is why it pisses me off when people who have never experienced any kind of depression or anxiety or anything try to tell you it's all in your head. It is obviously NOT all in my head, because my head is fine, and yet my body is panicking. Those are biological symptoms, happening independent of mental anxiety. All psychological disorders have a biological side to them. It's not all in our heads. 


:-*

Monday, August 30, 2010

A New Week. A New Semester. A New Phone (!! :D). A New Darn Season (do you hear me summer?? feck off!)

I registered for a class for the Autumn semester today - Developmental Psychology. It wasn't the class I wanted, but since I'm a non-degree/post-baccalaureate or whatever I can't register early, so had to wait until today (2 days before the semester starts). I figure I've got 2 more days to keep checking back to try for Statistics or Abnormal Psych. 

I am not weighing myself today. After the abysmal weekend, I think I need a few days to get back down to what I was on Friday evening. Had turkey bacon for breakfast today (90). I need to get back on track by Thursday, when class starts. No carbs. No crap. AND NO BLOODY ICE CREAM.

I ordered a Palm Pre Plus off eBay last week. I feel like a little kid expecting a new toy. I want to take the lawn chair and camp out by the postbox like I used to when I was younger and I knew Mum had ordered something for me off a catalog. I want the Palm NOW so I can play with it!! I'm trying to distract myself by buying a skin for it. Gela Skins has so many awesome ones, Idk which one I want.  I kind of like this one because it's ridiculous:



 










There's a Van Gogh one with flowers that I also like. 

I miss my Vicodin. :*(    I'm trying to get myself pumped for the treadmill with coffee, but it's just not the same. So a word of advice to everyone: DO NOT get into the habit of exercising on painkillers. There is no worse torture than working out without them. Seriously. I've been sitting here for almost three hours DREADING getting on the treadmill. And I can only do 40 mins of power walking at the most without pharmaceutical aids. No jogging. And it's so BORING, running in place for 40 mins, with feckall to watch on the telly. 

At least I can use the clicker to change channels now. Before we got rid of the satellite, you had to set the upstairs TV on the channel you wanted in order to watch downstairs, 'cause they were hooked up to the same box or whatever. It's the same in my room - I CAN CHANGE THE CHANNEL NOW!! I'm so proud of myself; I'm getting so technologically advanced. Changing the channel on my TV, new phone with internet. 

I'm still not getting rid of the VCR. You will have to kill me first, and pry it from my cold, dead fingers. (You hear me, Mumsy!? I don't care if it's outdated!!)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Castles in the Sky.


I was a pig today, but I did go on a 3 hour hike up a mountain. I found a castle. Like LEGIT. In the woods. [Only in new Jersey...] Check it:

That's the corner of one of the larger rooms. I would have gotten a better photo, but the phone died immediately after I took that pic. I plan on taking the good camera there the next time it's not 500 degrees outside. It's called the VanSlyke Castle, and it has a pretty interesting history.

Ramapo Mountain and Ringwood State Parks are pretty awesome. I've started going there instead of Ramapo Reservation, because at this point I could probably navigate the whole of the Res while drunk and blindfolded. Don't get me wrong, the Ramapo Res is fabulous and I love it, but I need new scenery. There's some pretty good bike trails at Ramapo Mountain (and apparently, castles hidden up in the hills), so maybe I'll actually get some motivation to go biking. Not sure how I'm going to manage getting Little Sis's bicycle into my teeny tiny Yaris. That will be an adventure in itself.


So it's official. It has happened. I cannot deny it any longer.
...
I have run out of drugs.

No prescription pills, no smokey treats, no diet pills, no emergency Sudafed. NO NOTHING.

I suppose this could be considered a good thing. I'll just keep that in mind and run with it.




Does anyone know what happened to Mona?
Her blog - She Smiles With Me - is gone. I keep checking hoping that it will return, but it's been a while, and I miss her!!! I know in one of her last entries, she mentioned that someone might have seen the blog, so perhaps she deleted it. I hope you're okay, Mona if you're still out there reading!!

Well skin me alive and call me luggage.


I've got 100 followers. ::waves:: Hey y'all!

I'm afraid I'm a bit of a disappointment this morning. Last night was an epic binge:

- dinner at the Freelance Cafe (I wasn't going to count that, since it's like gourmet food, but then I went and caved in to the munchies when I got home)
- ice cream (vanilla & low-fat choco fudge brownie) with peanut butter
- South Beach fiber bars, and 1 Kellogg's fiber bar
- pizza rolls
- 4 maximum strength ex-lax

And then this morning I ruined my low-carb diet and had cereal.

Major work out when Mum is finished on the treadmill!!! And no more food until dinner. Older Sis #2 is coming over, so I'll have to nibble whatever everyone's having, but I should be able to get away with eating just a bit of salmon and some salad.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Neptune Planet Power Make Up!!!!!

Oh my god I need a job.


I love picnik. It's so much easier than photoshop.

Little Sis gave me a heads up this morning before she left for Block Island (bitch - why don't I have friends who take me sailing?!?). Mum thinks I'm insane. Again. She also thinks I'm losing too much weight. Again.

Which I won't be after last night's fat-fest. I could have stopped after the fajitas, but nooo. I ate a slice of chocolate cake as well. And 4 Ex-Lax. But I digress...

I think I've mentioned in a previous post that Mum thought I was crazy about ten years ago, when I was in high school, and that we went through a number of therapists because none of them gave Mum the results she wanted and thus she fired them. Let me clarify this a bit, because it's not entirely fair to the Mother.

I am most definitely insane. I'll admit that. But hey - who really can say that they are sane? Normal? BORING.

When I was like 13 or 14, Mum started to notice that I was not sane. She didn't seem to realize (and still hasn't) that I act like myself at home in front of her because I'm comfortable with her, but I do not act that way out in the real world. Some other family members, and a few friends might catch glimpses of the real me, but in general only Mum sees it.

So when I was a wee teen, she decided I needed a shrink. Mum thought this would be a "quick fix" - they would talk to me, explain to me what I was doing wrong and how to fix it, and *~*POOF*~* Mum would have the perfect bubbly little cheerleader she always wanted.

Funny how so many parents end up with the exact opposite of the child that they envisioned in all of their rosy fantasies about motherhood. All Mum wanted, if she got stuck with daughters instead of sons (which she did - 4 daughters to be exact) was a popular, outgoing, athletically inclined genius. All of those things and pretty. Let's not forget pretty...

What she got instead: A brainiac nerd who doesn't give a toss about her looks and who took off for England on the first available boat (Older Sis #1); a punk rock rebel with an attitude and poor academic abilities (Older Sis #2); a morally bankrupt, self-centered sociopath (Me); and a whiny, clingy, overly dependent crybaby (Little Sis).

Lolz.

I managed to con the first two therapists into believing I was the perfectly sane one, and Mum was the real problem. It wasn't even difficult. I had the second therapist hoodwinked in one session. The third shrink, however, saw through my charming little act. I don't know what happened with her in the end. I saw her for a long time - Dr. Adorney was a wonderful woman, and I would highly recommend her if you're the sort of person who could benefit from therapy. But one day Mum just said "You're not going to therapy anymore."

So now apparently, Mum is on a new mission to get me back in therapy. I kind of want to go back to a therapist. To Dr. Adorney in particular, but she's not covered under my health insurance. No shrinks or loony bins are covered under my health insurance, because I was insane before I got the plan. Obama should get on that. Like now.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Fully Experienced Rambling Hiker


Look at me go!


I got really excited 'cause that pine tree kind of looked like an umbrella. And it also had it's own walking stick.

Went to Skylands Manor yesterday to walk around in the botanical gardens (OMG I want to live there). I rambled for like an hour and a half, maybe a bit more. it was lovely and cool out AND IT'S REALLY STARTING TO SMELL LIKE AUTUMN!!!

There's something about autumn that just sets my nerves on hyperdrive. And I mean that in a good way. In the best way. Maybe it's because I really effing hate summer. Autumn and winter are where it's at - the weather gets cool and breezy, the best clothes are in fashion again, there's my birthday (::AHEM::) on September 21st, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I know they're filled with crap food, but I really do love the holidays. I love decorating and baking and playing all the gay little Christmas songs and just being as gay as Christmas in general.

Like seriously, come autumn I get high on life.

And I got slightly high yesterday on my walk. There was that damp-leaves smell, and there was something about the way the evening light hit the edge of the woods that just said, "Back the f*ck off, summer!!"



Still at 100 lbs. Aside from the 90-minute walk, yesterday I also burned around 700 working out in the basement. I ate: turkey bacon (30), soft-boiled egg (70), iced coffee (50), cold cuts (80), and then made a dinner of stir-fried veggies and chicken (I estimated my portion as >400, just to be safe - 'twas probably quite a bit less). So total for the day was about 630 before factoring in the exercise.

Planning lots of fun things for the coming month!

- Horror movie fest in Gettysburg, PA on September 4th (screenings of new horror films, and PINHEAD IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE THERE!)

- Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo, NY on Spetember 12th, as a combo birthday celebration for myself and a friend.

- Friend's wedding

- HALLOWEEN PARTY!! I can't decide between these two costumes:

OR...


It's a tough call. I have a lot of accessories already for Marie Antoinette and it's definitely awesome, but it's also a lot more expensive than Leeloo.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Some Early Life Lessons Which May Or May Not Be Incorrect



I went on a shopping spree today (I love shopping with government money!) and upon leaving the Palisades Mall, I got onto the wrong side of Route 87. And then missed the last exit before the Tappan Zee Bridge. AND oh joy of joys, the other side of the bridge was at a standstill because some a-hole got a flat tire and had to get towed.

Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I decided to just get onto route 9 on the other side of the bridge and take the long, hopefully traffic-free way home via the Bear Mountain Bridge. It took me a half hour to get through Sleepy Hollow, and then another hour to get back home.

During this time, I contemplated various things that have been ingrained into my brain as a result of my upbringing. I think these rules apply to anyone who was born in the 80's.

Things I learned during childhood:

- In this life you may only go forward and up. Never backwards.

- Incidentally, your princess is in another castle.

- If you jump from a great height with an umbrella, you will float slowly to the ground. If you go crashing to the ground, that means you need a bigger umbrella.

- When you run away or travel, you should pack up your belongings in a blanket and tie it to a stick. Things such as travel and running away should always be done properly.

- According to Disney, when you grow up your hair will be perfect. All the time. Even when you wake up in the morning.

- If you're a good little girl, the fairies will make you blonde and give you a great singing voice, and your parents will provide you with a rich husband. Until then, you should frolick in the woods singing songs you made up on the spot and pissing off your neighbors. Your prince/intended husband will find you.
[Prince Philip was most definitely the greatest of all the Disney heroes/princes. He slayed a DRAGON for feck's sake.]

- Dumping a bottle of glitter on your head and jumping down an entire flight of stairs may make you fly. If it doesn't, you just don't have happy enough thoughts.

- Monsters, the bogey man, and all other predators cannot see you if you don't move.

- You can bleed a lot without dying. And if you make the correct noise, you can suspend the laws of gravity in order to bicycle kick your unsuspecting siblings.

- Twins are creepy.

- The best shows come on TV after midnight. It would be best if your parents do not know you're watching them.

- Your mother is hiding in the weirdest places!
[I swear to god I thought that was Mum the first time I saw Rocky Horror (like 5 years old?). If you saw her hair and makeup in the 80's, you'd understand. Apparently I'm not alone in this - one of my bff's saw Labyrinth and thought David Bowie was his mom in disguise.]

- Laws do not apply to nuns.

- Being a rockstar might seem awesome, but in the end it will make you fat and kind of manly. You will end up discarded and unwanted, or you will end up being mistaken for a man. And by that I mean your hair will all get cut off and you'll be dressed in Ken's clothes because you don't fit in any of Barbie's.

- Flat hair is a SIN. The trendy kids nowadays might have their hair flattened and ironed into perfect straightness, but deep down you know that this is wrong.

- If you complain and whine and nag enough, eventually you will be taken to Toys 'R Us. If, upon your arrival at Toys 'R Us, you remain perfectly quiet and behaved, you will be permitted to open your new toy in the car.

- The most effective way to get you want is by throwing yourself face-first onto the floor and screaming your heart out.

- If you happen to run off a cliff, do not panic immediately. Gravity has a delay of about 5 seconds.

- If you put on too much weight, you will not be permitted to remain awesome.

I think I need a new cell phone.

Why is it that cell phones nowadays are such pieces of shite? I'm on my THIRD phone in less than a year. I want my old V back!!!
That thing was seriously the greatest phone ever. The battery lasted a week, and that was with me texting and playing on the internet all the time. It lasted three whole years before the inside screen started to go a bit funny. Then I got a Blackberry pearl, because it was pink. I had it for 24 hours before I couldn't take it anymore and went running back to the shop to return it. Then I got the EnV3, which was like the current version of the V. I went through 2 of those - both went spastic. Now I've got this thing:

I got it because it was purple, and a friend worked in the Verizon shop, so 'twas $150 less that what it should have been. But it has had multiple issues from the beginning, which included: a camera and photo gallery that are slower that Windows Vista, many many texting problems (not receiving them for 3 days, sending 5 copies of the same text to other people without my knowledge...), shutting itself off (I think ALL Verizon phones do this). And now it's just a total spaz. I can hear it in the kitchen right now, turning itself on and off over and over again.

Any of you lovely ladies in the US have a phone suggestion? I want a phone that has pretty good internet, but I don't want an iphone , a Crackberry, or a Droid. Anything else is cool.


So I was 100 lbs when I weighed myself this morning!! :D I'm not logging it in as official until the third weigh-in before bed. I've been good as far as cutting down on carbs. Yesterday I had 4 pieces of turkey bacon for breakfast (60), some roast beef cold cuts with mustard for lunch (60), a tuna salad for dinner (120), some lemonade (70), and 2 fiber bars (230). After adding in an estimate for all the Tums and a bit of turkey from Sis's sandwich, my daily total was like 550.

Monday, August 23, 2010

These things are stupid, but what the heck.

Yay, a survey!! A friend sent it to me and I thought it was sort of fun. I'm re-designing the whole blog so I need an example entry with which to work...


A 5-Senses Survey For The Ladies:


SIGHT:

Do you spend an unhealthy amount of time looking at yourself in the mirror?
Heck yes.

Do you closely examine your pores?
Yes.

Do you like the sight of yourself naked?
Depends on my mood, and what the scale says.

Have you ever checked out another woman?
I think we all have, although not necessarily in a sexual manner.

Have you ever been sexually attracted to the woman you were checking out?
After several drinks, it's definitely possible...

Do you make a habit out of checking out every guy's package?
Sometimes.
Ok fine, most of the time.

Do you like touching your own eyeballs?
Not really.

Do you like touching other peoples' eyeballs?
Ew.

Are you colourblind?
Not that I am aware. Not many women are.

How is your eyesight?
Good enough. I apparently need glasses, but I never wear them. They make everything in HD and I'd prefer everything look a little blurry.


SOUNDS:

What sounds do you absolutely hate?
That squeaky noise that markers make when you press too hard. It makes my teeth hurt.

Are there any nails-on-chalkboard like sounds that you actually like?
I like metallic sounds, like when you make a knife and/or fork squeak on a plate. And I really like the sound of sharpening knives.

What's the most embarassing thing in your ipod/CD collection?
Probably Phil Collins.

Do you like hearing your name said out loud?
I never really thought about it.

Have you ever picked the earwax out of your ears?
No, but I'm constantly attempting to get at random itches in my inner ear, so it happens.

If yes to the above, have you ever eaten it?
After my attempts at my above answer, I have on occasion started biting my nails afterward without remembering, hey my finger was just in my ear. It's kinda nasty. It kind of tastes like cocaine.

Do you frequently have songs stuck in your head?
Yes, and not just songs. Sometimes a line from a movie or something will get stuck in my head, which is worse.

Do you talk to yourself out loud?
Frequently, and I have 2-sided conversations. It helps with the writing process.

Can you hear a high-pitched ringing sound when anything electric, like the TV, radio, microwave, etc., is on?
Yes, and IT SUCKS because everyone else thinks I'm crazy 'cause they can't hear it. I can hear if the downstairs TV is on from my bedroom upstairs, with the door closed.

Do you hear voices in your head?
I don't think so.


TASTE:

Do you eat your boogers?
Ew.

Do you like liver and onions?
Onions yes, liver no.

Do you eat the giblets?
Just the neck. Mumsy eats the rest.

Do you enjoy the taste of semen?
That's nasty.

Spit or swallow?
That depends on various different factors.

Have you ever given oral sex to a woman?
Maybe.

If yes to the above, did you like it?
I don't really like oral sex period.

What's your favorite food?
That is a loaded question.
It's a toss-up between Cocoa Pebbles and roasted quail with parsnips and black truffles.

Least favorite food?
Cheese.

Any food phobias?
CHEESE.


TOUCH:

Do you like to be touched, in general?
No.

Have you ever scratched your crotch in public?
Probably.

Ever scratched your rear in public?
Yes.

Do you have a fear of anything specific touching you?
Apparently, when I was little, I had a ridiculous fear of human hair. Mumsy says I used to scream if I had a hair on me, and demand that she get rid of it.

Have you ever fondled a stranger?
...
Yes.

How often do you masturbate?
Every time I think about your dad.

Do you own a vibrator?
No. It died. I'm saving up for a jackrabbit.

Have you ever participated in fisting?
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Have you ever purposely brushed up against a gentleman stranger in a crowded place (like a train station, airplane, etc.)
Yes.

Do you ever pick the fuzz out of your butt-crack?
Don't we all?


SMELL:
If you answered yes to the last question, do you smell the fuzz?
Swamp ass?

Have you ever smelled your own used pads/tampons?
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Do you pick your nose?
With tissues, in the privacy of my bathroom.

Do you trim your nose hair?
Not yet, and hopefully I will never have to. (knockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwood)

Do you smell your own farts?
Sometimes it really can't be helped.

Do you like it?
Of course; they smell like flowers!

What's your least favorite odor?
Cheese.

How bad does your BO smell?
It smells like flowers, just like my farts.

Do you like any smells that most people consider gross?
I guess gasoline, but I think a lot of people like that. And I really like the smell of gunpowder.


Did you have a hard time answering these questions?
Not really


Were you completely honest?
I guess.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Trains of Thought.


I chanced getting on the scale this evening, and it wasn't as bad as I thought 'twould be! 104 after the Jersey Shore 3-day binge.

I just put the photos from the shore onto the comp and discovered that I only took 2. One is a blurry landscape in the rain, the other is me in my new shirt:
B&B is seriously the best shop ever. I got that halter, one sheer white flyaway cardigan, and one pair of semi-sensible sandals. Eating aside, it was a fun first time to Seaside. My little sis spent most of the 3 days stalking the cast of Jersey Shore, and even pointed one out to me. JamWow or something like that. Don't any of those cretins have grown-up names? And it's hardly "reality" when they can't even go to the bar or go to work without 5 state troopers and a giant crowd of onlookers.

My cam also had pics from my last Chinese food episode. I went on a small shopping spree last week that I have no actual money to pay for, and afterwards I had a dinner of Chinese food during which I ate too many spring rolls. The cookie told me:

Eat my As$, fortune cookie!!! What the heck do you know?!?
And then to add insult to injury, this was on the other side:

Good times.

My BFF and I watched The Little Mermaid tonight. It's really surreal watching all the Disney movies that I saw a million times as a kid, but then haven't watched in like 15 years. The priest totally had an erection.

Whilst watching the movie, I made an Unemployment Project List - things that will fill the giant empty spaces that make up my weekdays:
- Compile all the fortunes I've saved over many years of Chinese food and make something creative out of them.

- Clean all the little glass objects on the bureau in my room. They're covered in like a year of dust. The last time I cleaned them (3 years of dust removed), it took 4 hours.

- Get rid of all the books in the shelf downstairs and donate them.

- Use the little watercolor paint set and paint some lovely fairies and mermaids. (My attempts at said fairies and mermaids shall be posted on here so y'all point and laugh.)

- Drano the sinks in the upstairs bathroom.

I think that's a good start. And I've got a meal plan laid out for tomorrow. I went on the best grocery run today, buying non- and low-carb things: turkey bacon, cold cuts (roast beef), canned tuna, celery, porcini mushrooms, and some yummy looking frozen veggie dishes. Tomorrow I plan to eat 4 slices of turkey bacon for breakfast (60), and some tuna lettuce wraps for dinner (90). I made my own version of that master cleanse lemonade thing and hid it in Special K shake bottles. I am allowed one a day (140) to drink whenever I feel faint between breakfast and dinner.

Step-Sibling Overload


More step-siblings are visiting. >:O And this means that my a-hole step-father goes out to the grocery shop and buys a ton of scheisse that NO ONE EATS. Like a whole effing jar of cookies:

Why? I'm waiting until everyone has left the house and then I'm taking them out back behind the yard and dumping the whole thing out in the compost heap. I can't have that kind of filth just hanging out on the kitchen counter.

So this time it's Brian, the youngest of the 3 visiting my house. I suppose you could call him the one that I dislike the least. This is because he at least knows he's an a-hole and doesn't pretend otherwise. He also lives in Oregon, which is safe on the other side of the country.

Brian's here for a visit with his girlfriend and their two daughters. His 4-year-old daughter is hands down the most beautiful adorable little girl I have ever seen: cute round face, HUGE blue eyes, angry eyebrows, and wispy white-blonde hair. Considering her parents, that's a genetic anomaly if I ever saw one. I mean her mother's not bad looking, but she's a hag compared to the little girl. Their new baby isn't as cute. I sort of feel bad for it...
Thankfully, they're only in our house for a few days, as Brian's girlfriend has family here as well and is staying with them for a lot of the time.

But their presence means extra time with the older son, whom I detest. Craig comes over pretty much every weekend anyway, because he has joint custody of his 6-yr-old son. I don't think he has any friends or a suitable living space for a child, so he brings the kid here.

Some history on Craig is necessary, I think:
He has been going through a divorce for about 6 years, is a jobless alcoholic, and has moved up the ladder of general debauchery into straight up stealing from my house. He comes in when he thinks no one is there, and just roots around like he owns the feckin' place. In one incident, a few months ago, my car was in for service, and I was home alone. I guess he thought no one was at home because there were no cars outside, so he waltzes in, goes straight into my mother's office, and empties her giant change bottle into one of my good pillowcases, and then leaves. Like SERIOUSLY???? And of course, when I brought this to the attention of my parents, the step-father insists that I must be lying. Obviously, I took all the change, and I'm trying to lay the blame on perfect Craig. He one-upped himself not long after that - we believe he was responsible for the sudden disappearance of an $8,000 diamond necklace from mum's closet. And he's also responsible for the disappearance of almost everything in the liquor cabinet.
I suppose I just have to deal! At least I don't get as stressed out as Mum...

So yesterday I did very well. I had a scrambled egg with 1 tsp bacon bits and a little ketchup for brekkie (100), and a spinach salad with shrimp for dinner. I ended up not eating most of the shrimp 'cause it tasted funny, and I used maybe a tsp of dressing. I guess I'll estimate that at like 500, just to be safe.

Today so far, I've had a soft boiled egg (80).

I can do it, I just need to FOCUS!!! Starvation and thinness are fragile little bubbles. I must not let them pop, or float away...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Home again! I need a militaristic plan for the next 7 days.


I just want to say that I love when people who talk with their hands drive with their arm hanging out the window. I tried to get a photo of the guy driving in front of us, but he was too far away. I couldn't see him, only his hand gesturing wildly out the driver side window.

Thank your girls, for all of your supportive comments! They made me smile. I am not touching the scale until next week. Tomorrow, I shall make use of my new bag of vicodin and exercise for 90 minutes. I shall also spend a good portion of my day in the bathroom, because I panicked and took four ex-lax when I got home and looked up the calorie estimates of all the food I ate for the last three days. I know it won't erase all the muck I put into to my body, but it will make me feel clean and empty. A fresh start for the week.

Ok so I need a serious plan to get back to at least 104 by next Saturday. A plan I will actually stick with. I am going to try and cut carbs again, but this time with a PLAN.

Safe foods:

- Breakfast: 1 egg, perhaps with ketchup and/or low fat bacon bits

- Lunch: cold cuts, a salad (pretty much just lettuce, maybe with peppers, celery, or something similar)

- Dinner: fresh vegetables, or frozen veggies

Knowing me and my nonsense, this will last all of 12 hours. After that, I will at least keep the calories intake between 200-400 cals. On Monday, I'm going to try consuming nothing but liquids. Idk how this will work out, as I have to work around Mum and make her think I'm eating.

Ohmigod this is funny stuff:

...and I would like to make it known that my former bowl (before friend's mum broke it) was called the Baaaad Ass Motha!!!(4000). I heart Master Shake. And I think everyone from New Jersey knows someone exactly like Carl. This makes me laugh like a raving lunatic.
ATHF 02x11 Super Computer

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Is that a beached whale?!? No, it's just me, your humble narrator.


Why oh why is it so much harder to restrict when you're on holiday with family? Aside from the obvious: I'm with Mum and Sis all day, so they'll notice if I'm not eating. And we go out to eat every night, so it would look a bit odd if I ate a salad three nights in a row. These things are unavoidable, and I wouldn't beat myself for those reasons.

No, it's my own voluntary filthy bingeing that makes me want to cry. I start out good in the morning - 1 bowl cereal, with just a little more milk than usual because Mum is usually in the kitchen and might think it strange if I had my Cheerios with water. Then exercise - yesterday and today I went on 1 1/2 hour-16 mile bike rides (OW) and yesterday I walked for 1 hour, today so far I did a 20 minute walk. But everything goes to hell at dinnertime.

I love fish. I love to eat all living things in general, but during the summer fish becomes my fav. I will try any fish you put in front of me. And you better believe if we're going out to eat at the Jersey Shore, I'm going to want to sample the local deliciousness. I thought I could contain myself. Get some crab and just eat the crab meat, while picking at the carb-filled sides.

Epic fail. I can't stop once I get started. Last night I ate a CRAB-CAKE MOTHERF***ING SANDWICH. With FRIES!!! The night before was only slightly better: I beasted a crab and then a lobster, but steered clear of butter, sauce, or side dishes, except for a little side salad.

And tonight we are going out to eat again, because Mum refuses to cook while we're on holiday (I can't really blame her, it's her holiday as well). I must try to RESIST eating muck!!! I will get a salad, perhaps with some crabmeat or shrimp, but NO sandwiches, and absolutely no French fries. Even so, I'll be lucky to make it to Saturday without turning into a hulking behemoth.

Pray for me, my lovelies!!! And I would of course understand if y'all banish me to the farthest reaches of cyber-space for being a big giant beluga.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

This should be interesting....

I haven't been awake for 10 minutes and Mum's already starting.

Mum: "How do I get the TV to change channels?"

[We just switched over to Optimum/cable from Direct TV/satellite.]

Me: ::thinking very fast because to not answer fast enough and in a pleasant tone = death:: "What do you mean? Like how do you switch it from the channel we use for the DVD player? You just hit the same button as we did with the satellite."

Mum: "NEVER MIND I'LL JUST F*CKING DO IT MYSELF!"

Me: ....."What?"

Mum: "I ASK YOU ONE BLOODY QUESTION; YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET SO NASTY!"

If I had presented her with flowers and a trophy and bowed down as low as I could get before answering her question, she probably would have said the same thing whilst kicking me in the face.

We're supposed to leave for the shore at 11. I really don't want to go. But if I say I don't want to go because I don't want to fight with her for 5 days, it will be my fault, Mum will yell at me, and then she will either not go or be a grump the whole time and blame me either way for ruining her holiday. As per usual when it comes to Mum and her psycho-bad-moods, I cannot win. I must go.

My stuff, packed:


...and I haven't even packed my toiletries yet. I guess the Rules of Hoarding also apply to travel. How hot is my Little Mermaid suitcase?

I was a very good girl yesterday. I had breakfast (150), 2 fiber bars (200), and a lean cuisine (280) for a total of 630. Exercise burned about 700, so that left me at a total of -70.


So far today I had half a bowl of corn flakes and a little milk (70). I am not eating again until I'm forced to eat dinner. Down the shore, I shall have to eat ONLY when Mum and Sis are watching.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A lovely walk, and a new week.



Went hiking twice this weekend. I got really excited on Saturday because the woods smelled like autumn. I hope that means we'll have an early autumn, because summer seriously sucked this year. It was hot and humid (like up in the 90's hot) almost every effing day. This is god punishing us for last summer, which was lovely and cold and rainy until the last week in August, when it got a little bit hotter, and then cooled down as soon as September showed up. Best summer ever.

Look, it's a hawk eating a chipmunk!!

You can't see it properly, but it was there. He sat up on that utility pole and chowed down on the chipmunk for like 20 minutes.Then he got annoyed (perhaps because we were watching and taking photos of him) and flew away.

Tomorrow, I am off to the beach with my Little Sis, her Friend, and ..... my Mother. We shall be there, at a nice non-white-trash beach just above ... ::gag:: Seaside. (I don't know either, but I'm scared).

For those of you unfamiliar with the Jersey Shore: Seaside is to beach as double-wide is to living space.

And DO NOT believe any of the classless rubbish you see on that awful television show, Jersey Shore. Those arseholes aren't even from New Jersey!!! Those are the kinds of people that us NJ natives hate, because they come into our glorious state thinking they can just have the craic down the shore and make retards of themselves at our expense. I'm pretty sure Snookie is the missing link. And that guy with the mutant abs should have been drowned at birth.

Seriously, that show makes me want to rip my hair out and start supporting the mass extermination of idiots.

...Anyway, back to my shore trip. I am not thin enough for the beach. Since the 3-day Master Cleanse last week, I am back up to 104 and my weight will not budge, no matter how many hours I work out or how little I eat. I shall have to amp up the workouts and eat even less, as I am going to the beach again at the end of the month and I absolutely cannot be seen on Long Beach Island (LBI is to beach as mansion is to home) unless I weigh 101 lbs or less.

I also don't know how I'm going to survive 5 days alone with Mum. Little Sis and Friend will be off doing their own thing, which means Mum will be following me around like a lost puppy because she is terrified of being alone and is incapable of entertaining herself. She also has not mastered the whole idea of inner monologue, so any peace and quiet I hope to have will be shattered fairly early on. I plan on taking long, looooong walks since I'll have no treadmill. That should by me some quiet alone time.

(That spot is in Old Tappan, NJ - not a long walk, but it's lovely and quiet, and oh so pretty.)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

And now for some shameless self promotion.

I added more of my fiction works-in-progress to my other website. I also put up the complete versions of the finished books. I would love some feedback on the unfinished stuff, if any of y'all are interested in reading!! (I'll take feedback on the finished stuff too; I'm not picky.) There's a pretty good variety of fiction - middle grade fun stuff, YA, and whacked out adult fiction. READ IT!!! I have writer's block - I need some direction. Even if you just read the first paragraph of one of the works-in-progress and tell me it sucks, at least I'll know not to keep wasting my time on that project....

The one about the fairies seems to be popular with readers of all ages. My guinea pig children have enjoyed it, and a friend who snuck a peek at it while I was in the shower demanded to know where the rest of it is, so I presume she liked it. The rest is not written yet, but it's getting there....

So I hung out with that boy again last night. He's a nice boy, pretty attractive - the sort you'd bring home to mum and dad and they would be happy about it. The only problem is that those sorts of boys are most definitely not my type. This is more my type:

I don't care what anyone says - Rob Zombie is magically delicious! :D

Part of me - some small, idealistic voice in the back of my head - is telling me to go for it. It's the part of me that likes the IDEA of being in a relationship. Boyfriends are a nice normal thing to have. There's some kind of weird security in having a boyfriend, right? It seems that way, and part of me wants to be normal and secure.

But the louder voice that is closer to my real self is like f*ck that.

I go through this weird boy-cycle more often than I'd like. I meet a nice boy, go out with him a few times, decide that maybe I want to be his "girlfriend;" and then my real brain suddenly kicks in and I'm like WTF AM I DOING?!?! and I make a run for it. I think I should just quit while I'm ahead on this one, because I know that if I keep going, I WILL eventually leave him in the dust and run screaming back to my single life.

I can't help it. I really do prefer being alone. It's a control thing, I guess. If I can't control his every waking moment and his personality, then I see no point in keeping him around. And I get so bored so easily. Unless you can make me laugh - like REALLY keep me amused, then maybe I'll keep you around. But so far, only 2 boys in my personal history have managed to keep me laughing long enough to avoid being tossed aside like a used tissue. At present, one of them is dead, and the other one... Well, there's a few choice words I would have for him, but if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all, right?

There's the Intimacy Problem as well. I'm sure that's the largest issue, but it's not going away anytime soon. I don't like being touched. At all. Ever. In order for me to be physically intimate with a boy, I need to be either SH*TFACED drunk, or on some serious drugs. Never marijuana though, because the paranoia will be biblically epic. I mean I like sex [almost] as much as the next girl, but I need to be drunk to do it. And I have a very hard time mixing sex with emotional intimacy. To me, they are two very different things and I would prefer that they remain separate.

Ah well.

Off to work out and watch Sailor Moon! And then out for a hike later with my bestie. Have a nice day, my girlies!!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday the 13th...


As the unluckiest person on planet earth (ok, I know that's stretching it just a bit, but humour me), I am somewhat frightened of leaving the house today. In all likelihood, I will get struck by lightning, or hit by a stray meteor from that shower last night, or crash my car into McDonald's and somehow absorb 100,000 calories through osmosis and come out of the crash weighing 6,000 lbs.

This absolutely must not happen, because I finally bought a dress for my friend's wedding. The wedding is in October, so between now and then, I must not consume anything. At all.
The dress:


Delicious, no? 'Tis jersey knit cheapo fabric, but looks nice - slate grey wiggle dress with lace trim at the top. I found it in Express. I think I look pretty darn good in it, aside from the fact that it leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. I just wish my arms would look as slim as the rest of me. >:( Now I need to find a perfect pair of shoes to match. And Operation Find Bellatrix A Suitable Wedding Date is in full swing. I was texting back and forth with one of my gay gentleman friends last night. He's nototrious for sending 12 texts for every 1 of mine, but when I casually asked him to accompany me to the wedding, he stopped all communication.

I'll take that as a "NO."

First day of eating after the Master Cleanse, and I started out so good! Had cereal for breakfast (80), went out for a lovely 45 minute powerwalk in the rain (I love the rain), and then went shopping (which hopefully burned some calories, as well as the giant gaping hole in my wallet). I had an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts. Yassar, God bless him, knows I have issues and does not complain when I ask him to put EXACTLY 1 and 1/2 tablespoons of half & half into my coffee (40). That was all I had until dinner.

And then I went out to dinner with Mum. I did ok - two glasses of wine (300ish? I don't get too worked up about liquid cals.) and they had broiled catfish as one of the specials. MEGA YUMMIES!!! And only like 120 calories per 8 oz. I had that, and nibbled the cajun-spiced zucchini that came with it.

Then I got home and had ice cream. And peanut butter melted in the microwave.

It really wasn't that bad - I measured both, so the whole dessert was around 250 cals. But I was quite drunk, as it doesn't take much alcohol for me to get wasted. So too much alcohol + spicy fish + DAIRY = me curled into a ball and writhing around the floor until 3 AM. Bleh.

Idk when I became lactose intolerant, but it sucks.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Master Cleanse Day 3, and Flushing of the Salt Water Kind


I'm sitting here chugging my salt water and I feel like Dumbledore at the end of the The Half-Blood Prince. One health book I read recommends getting into a fetal position when you finish the salt water and frantically rubbing your abdomen. I probably don't hate drinking the salt water as much as the average person, but crikey I feel like I'm lost at sea. I might add this to my list of Ways To Keep An Insomniac Busy.

So the only way I was able to get away with doing the Master Cleanse in front of Mumsy was because one of her friends has done it. The Friend, however, only did it for three days and told Mum that you are only supposed to do it for 3 days. When I told Mum that on the official website, it says you should do around 10 days, she flipped. Of course I can't do ten days!! Friend said only three days, and if a piece of information came in from Friend and not Daughter, it must be true. If Daughter says it, obviously it's a total lie.

Kind of like the time I told my mother that the "low oil" light on her dashboard probably means she needs to put oil in the car. So I checked her car's manual, bought the right oil (we were on a road trip) and a funnel, and proceeded to pour the oil in under the bonnet. Mum flipped. What the heck was I doing?!? I'm not a mechanic! How do I know the oil goes in there?!?

Hmm, let's see - maybe because there's a little logo on the lid with a picture of an oil can.

Mum snatched the oil away from me and forbid me to touch the car. The next day, when she took the car to a mechanic near where we were staying, Mechanic said: "The car needs oil. You've got some there in the back seat. Why didn't you put in the car?" And he then poured the oil in, where I had been pouring it in the previous day. And Mum says, "Oh, it goes in there?"

I just kept my mouth shut. There's no point in arguing.

Today was Day 3 of the Master Cleanse, so if I continue tomorrow I shall have to be super stealth. I feel much better than the first day, but I also feel like my teeth are going to rot out of my head. Shall see how I feel in the morning... Would like to make it to 5 days, but I'll be happy with three.

Sleep tight, my little bed bugs! :-*

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Master Cleanse Day 2

Day 2 of the Master Cleanse and things are going well. I had put on a few lbs over the weekend from my epic salmon binge Sunday evening, but now I'm back down to 101. Again. Last night was tough. I could not get to sleep for ages, and then when I finally did I was just hovering somewhere between deep sleep and waking. I kept having really vivid dreams that I was binging on junk food - brownies, peanut butter, oreos, etc., etc. Woke up in a panic every time.

I don't think I'll be able to do this for another 8 days. If I've lost anything by tomorrow, I'll try and keep it up until Friday and then reassess my physical condition. The lemon-maple thing is yummy, but drinking it all day is starting to make me feel sick. I've never had much of a sweet tooth, and I hate fruit (it hates me, too - makes me ill). Why couldn't I eat nothing but meat for 10 days and lose weight that way?!? God is cruel. There's also a definite increase in my anxiety level since yesterday. We'll see how it goes...

I think I've given up on Pretty Little Liars. I read all the books and they were awesome, but the show is just straying way too far from the books and I feel like I can't keep up. Plus, none of the girls look like they're supposed to. And in the books, they're not even friends! >:O I totally don't see how "A" can be who she is in the books. I'm making my sister give me a run-down after every new episode to see if they can pull it off.

Writer's block has set in yet again. I went book shopping to try and get inspired. That's right - my unemployed as$ went to Barnes & Noble and purchased $75 worth of books on my mastercard! I bought Grip of the Shadow Plague and The Candy Shop War by Brandon Mull, Among the Betrayed and Among the Barons by Margaret Haddix, The Old Willis Place and Deep Dark and Dangerous by Mary Hahn, Plato's Republic, and a kit to paint watercolor fairies and mermaids.


So hopefully, I shall spend tomorrow reading and then be waist-deep in fantastical inspiration.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Master Cleanse Day 1; and Waxing Philosophical

And no, I don't mean getting my legs waxed by a Platonian beauty expert.

The Master Cleanse has been going for all of 1 hour. I also cheated and had a tiny bowl of cereal when I got up. Consider it "easing in" to the lemonade diet. I made my first batch of lemon-maple syrup-cayenne pepper drink. I'm not gonna lie - it's pretty delicious. I may be making use of this flavor combo for some holiday desserts once Thanksgiving comes a bit closer. Perhaps a lemon-maple cake with a hint of cayenne in the icing? My family shall bask in the glory of my mad skills.

So once again, I have been witness to a glaring example of complete ignorance regarding anorexia and bulimia. Even though it irks me, I can forgive this kind of ignorance on the part of the general public. After all, there's a big difference between IGNORANT and STUPID. Ignorance cannot be helped.

People who have never had to deal with an eating disorder themselves, or via a close friend or relative simply don't get it. They see this as a diet, as us girls just being stupid. They think we're doing this just to get skinny, and then we'll stop. They say things like, "I don't get why she starves like that - It's not like she looks good that skinny. She looks nasty; why doesn't she just eat?!?"

We can't just stop because this is a DISORDER, not a diet. It's a mental illness. I know I talk about it on this blog like it's not a huge deal. I write of the various ups and downs of anorexia with dry wit and sarcastic dark humor, but it really isn't a laughing matter. In the end, it's going to kill me. (Violet seems like she's on the same page - she wrote a great blog entry on this the other day.)

And the whole "just eat something" response to our illness really bugs me. I know anorexia and bulimia are difficult concepts to really wrap your brain around if you've never experienced it up close and personal, but seriously: don't you think if we actually could stop and "just eat" like everyone else, we would do it?? I wish I could eat like a normal person. I wish I didn't feel like slitting my throat with a butcher knife every time I binged. I wish that eating candy didn't make me cry out in despair, huddled into a fetal position on my bedroom floor. I wish I could eat a hamburger and fries without climbing the walls in bloody anxiety for days afterward.

I don't actually remember what it's like to eat like a normal person. I don't remember what it's like to just eat when I'm hungry, stop eating when I'm full, and to feel content with a full tummy. I wish to God I could wake up one day and just be normal again. If an ice-pick lobotomy would make me go back to the way I was before all of this started, believe me I'd be the first in line.

Would you tell a heroin addict to "just stop doing heroin?" No. Because you know the addict is physically and mentally addicted, and he will have to go through serious withdrawal when he stops, and he will think about doing heroin every day for the rest of his life, even when he's clean. It's the same for an eating disorder. This is not a diet. It's not a fad. And for many of us, it is no longer a conscious decision.

Stay beautiful, my lovelies. :-* You are all the beautiful princesses of your own fairytales - don't ever forget that. xoxo

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sunday Morning Coming Down...


Thank you WannaBSkinny, Lauren, Emry, Shanstaa, Dorian, Fat Bastard, Lilah, Tracy, Olivia, and Bonesarepure for the lovely comments!

I would love to try the tapeworm diet, but unfortunately my epic fear of worms might be problematic. I don't want any kind of worms coming within 100 meters of my person, never mind having one taking up residence in my digestive system... ::shudders::

If McDonald's has My Little Ponies in their happy meals, I may have to abduct a child and take it there, and get the child a happy meal before I return it to its frantic parents. The poor child shall be scarred for life--kidnapped, force fed McDonald's, and then it can't even keep the happy meal toy. That's so evil! :D

Those new McD's smoothies actually look pretty tasty, and the wild berry one has 210 cals for a small.

Kind of a lot for a drink, but it's still fruit, right? And everyone knows I don't eat enough fruit because I hate it. How I've managed to live this long and not get scurvy is beyond me...

The Master Cleanse has been pushed back yet again. I've got my supplies ready--additive-free lemonade, 100% pure maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and non-iodized sea salt for flushing. The older sis and neice are coming over today for dinner, so I am expected to eat with the rest of the family. I shall kick off the MC tomorrow morning, and start with a salt water flush.

So I met a BOY on Friday, and then hung out with him again last night (Saturday) at the pub. He's kinda cute (I was sober on Friday when I met him, so I know it wasn't the drink making him attractive). He seems fairly intelligent and mildly amusing. We went to the same high school, I found out, but he was 2 years older. Apparently he remembers me. I found that somewhat of a dubious comment, as in high school I weighed 35 pounds more than I do now, was probably an inch or two shorter, had hair ranging from mouse brown to Jessica Rabbit red (depending on my mood), and wore lots of black eyeliner, mini skirts, and fishnets.

Me at 15:


I wonder if I should warn him in advance that I'm not so good with "relationships." I tend to play with boys until I get bored, and then I simply vanish from their lives forever. No warning. No "I wanna break up." Just a total cease in communication. Cruel? Perhaps. Cold hearted? Most definitely. But that's just how I roll. It makes me more interesting.

And we all know I'm pretty darn interesting.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Atlantic City!!



Just arrived home after a 2 1/2 hour drive. Thankfully the only traffic I hit was just outside the Oranges. Everyone slowed down to gawk at cops pulling someone over ON THE OVERPASS. Not even on the actual highway.

Here I am, making myself gorgeous before leaving the house:

Some trip highlights:

- # of miles per hour I was traveling immediately before getting pulled over = 92 (bathroom emergency)
Cop: "You know why I pulled you over?"

Me: ::legs crossed:: "I have to pee so friggin bad IT HURTS!"

Cop: "Why didn't you stop at the rest stop a few miles back?"

Me: ::evil glare:: "I didn't have to pee then."

Cop: ::blank stare::

Me: "I'm seriously about to wet myself. And I WILL pee on your car."

Cop: ::tries to keep a straight face; fails:: "All right. I''ll let you off with a warning. Slow down."

- # cats smuggled into the hotel room = 2
Aren't they the cutest?? I named them Luke and Leia.

- # of dollars lost gambling = $10

- # of conversations with hot surfers = 2

- # of conversations with hot southerners = 1 (30 seconds after meeting Chad, he asked, "Y'all wanna get high?" I declined, but sat on the beach with him for 1 hour.

Here I am on the beach, looking fabulous:

- # of orifices filled with sand = all of them

- # fatalities at the amusement park = 0, which can only be attributed to the grace of God. That thing is mad sketchy:

- # of tattoo compliments = 7 (3 for Harley Quinn, 4 for the owl)

- # "Anyone ever tell you that you look like Lady Gaga?" = 9

- Weight upon arriving home = 101 lbs. Woohoo!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Obviously, cutting down carbs doesn't work for me.



I tried once again to cut down my carb intake the past couple days. As a result, today I consumed every carbohydrate that wasn't nailed down. Note to self: let's just keep consuming the normal amount of carbs and deal. I looked in the mirror this evening after my binge, and this is what I saw:

So as per my usual, I just took 3 laxatives. I have a final tomorrow in psych class. This should be fun.

And speaking of psychology, my little sis sent me a fun pic on Facebook:
I tried to explain to Little Sis that aside from Rocky Horror, Enchanted, Crybaby, pretty much all Disney movies, Phantom of the Opera, Hedwig, Moulin Rouge, all Marilyn Monroe's movies, and Chicago; I totally don't like musicals, and am personally offended by her wall post.

So I may possibly go to Atlantic City tomorrow evening after the final, and stay until Saturday. My friend Cheryl got a room at the Showboat for her girlfriend Lisa (who is also my cousin) and Lisa's friends. Their relationship is currently on the rocks, apparently, and so Lisa has declared that Cheryl may not stay in the Showboat after 5pm Friday, when Lisa and her buddies are due to arrive. I find this a bit inconsiderate, as Cheryl is the one who booked and paid for the room. I'm going for free, and Lisa has no problem with my presence, so I'm just going to refrain from comment.

Saturday, I plan to kick off the Master Cleanse with a salt water flush. Must do a shopping trip for my lemons, or possibly the most organic and additive-free lemonade I can locate, as I am 1.) quite lazy, and 2.) extremely poor. And of course the pure maple syrup. I already have enough cayenne pepper, because I put it on pretty much everything. I'll keep y'all updated on the Master Cleanse progress! The betting pools are open. I give myself max 10 days, minimum 5 before I either break down or just get bored. Little Sis gives me 2 days. Mum gives me 1.