Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I don't want to do this, but it's so easy...

After my lunch-binge yesterday, I felt DISGUSTING. So I went home, did my oxy-morph, and then ran on the treadmill until I burned 1,000 calories. After my shower, I had a dinner of steamed veggies (spiced up with a little curry powder), total of 140 calories.

Then I went outside and chain smoked until I vomited.

The cigs + the oxy-morph make me yak every time, and it's just so tempting. But I really could have used the nutrients in those veggies. Why couldn't I have puked up the nastiness that I ate for lunch? No, I have to be a giant tard and puke up the healthy stuff.

So far today, I ate: scrambled eggs (140). Tummy isn't quite up for coffee, so I skipped that.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


I just binged. I went downstairs to the cafeteria with the intention of getting just a cup of tea. I had to bring a $5, because I had no singles, and I ended up getting a bagel with butter, and a muffin. And I scarfed them both down in five minutes. Now I feel DISGUSTING.

Part of me is like, feck it, now I should just go all out and eat and eat and eat until I want to die. But I must side with the other half, and resist. I can recover the day. I can stick with my plan of having a teeny portion of steamed veggies for dinner, and nothing else. And I'll just have to work out, even though I was going to give my aching joints a break for the day. All is not lost! At least I hope that if I keep telling myself that, then it will be true.

An apple a day makes me puke a lot.

I thought I'd try and be healthy yesterday, so I brought an apple to work instead of the usual 60-cal Jell-O mousse. I'm not a big fruit eater, so I only finished a little over half of the apple. And about 15 minutes later, I felt ill.

I should know better. I hate almost all fruits. Apples are the only ones I can eat because they're not gooey and mushy (it's the nasty texture that puts me off most fruit). Occasionally, I'll suck the juice out of an orange, but I don't actually eat it. And I don't mind orange juice (especially blood orange), but I can only have a tiny drop of the juice, and then I have to water it down, usually with fizzy water. If I drink too much orange juice, I'll feel sick for at least 12 hours.

So I don't know what it was about yesterday's apple that upset my tummy way more than fruit usually does, but I only managed 36 minutes on the treadmill before I had to floor it up to the bathroom and vomit. After that, I felt way too sick to keep exercising, so I bummed around in my sweatpants, and had to nibble roast chicken and broccoli because the mother was watching me like a hawk. I puked all of that up as well, mere seconds after I ate it, but all I could taste was apple. :(

I shouldn't feel fat, since technically the only calories I took in yesterday were from breakfast (150), but not doing my full work out makes me feel like such a pig.

So far today, I ate: cereal (couldn't stomach eggs, so low-carb diet will have to resume later; 140), coffee (10).

Monday, April 26, 2010

Why am I so dumb?

The same thing that happened last time I was abusing hard core painkillers has happened again: I have over-exercised, and as a result I have done myself an injury. Specifically, I have done something to my right ankle. As a result of whatever it is, I've been putting more pressure on the left leg, and now my left heel appears to be upset about it.

So what's my answer to this problem? A smart person would put on an Ace bandage or whatever for the ankle, and lay off the treadmill for a while to give the injured footsies some time to heal. Not me! I just take twice as much oxy-morphone and keep on running. Because if I can't exercise, I WILL have an anxiety attack.

I've got some kind of air cast on now, as my mother and sister caught me limping and insisted I do something about it. But I am exercising when I get home. I'll have to try and not limp, no matter how much it hurts to walk normally. I can't have Mumsy yelling at me for running on an injured ankle...

So far today, I ate: scrambled eggs (140), coffee (10). Trying to do the low-carb thing....

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I wish there was a pill that made everything you eat taste like shite.

Weekends are always the hardest. I start out so well, too. I did not binge on Friday (though I did go a little over my acceptable number of cals for the day). Saturday morning, I woke up and had an egg instead of cereal, as I have decided to try and cut carbs out of my diet, and I exercised for like an hour. Saturdays are always the same, too. In the morning and early afternoon, it seems so easy. I think, I can totally do this. I won't eat at all today. I'll be even better than I am during the week, I CAN DO IT!.

And then I go and eat an entire Pizza Hut personal pan pizza. With sausage.

Why the heck can't I resist?!?!? I could understand if I binged on garbage-food that's in the house, but the fact that I actually drove out of my way to Pizza Hut, took the time and consideration to order the pizza, pay for it, and take it home before I ate it really makes me a fat-ass. I should have the strength to just NOT do that.

And then of course after I ate it, I felt sick for the rest of the night. My tummy has been getting worse as I get older (runs in the family), and now that I don't really eat all that often, the indigestion is way worse when I actually do eat. I suppose I could say at least I only had a personal pan pizza, and not like a whole big pie. But I'm still fat.

Now I'm going to go on the treadmill, and I'm not stopping until it says I've burned at least 1,000 calories.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I did not binge!

I think this is the first Friday night in a loooooong time that I successfully avoided stuffing my face. I did eat a few handfuls of little pretzels at the pub, so I felt kind of fat after that, but hopefully it didn't wreak too much havoc.

All the same, my weight is STILL 109, like it has been for over a month. I exercise, don't eat, and yet the weight just will not go down. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll still be a lard ass. I could work out 3 hours a day and stop eating altogether, and the scale will still mock me with the same number every morning. :*( Sometimes I feel like I should just give up and eat and be a giant fat elephant.

Today I ate: cereal (140), coffee (10), moment-of-weakness oreos (250 = HUGE HIPPPO), Lean Cuisine (150), beer (160), pretzels (100?), and exercised for 1000 calories for a Grand Total of -190. Not exactly an awesome day, but at least I'm still in negative cals....

Friday, April 23, 2010

How I Came Into Being.

God looked down on my parents and thought, hey there’s some fine genetic specimens; let’s use them to make an exceptional human being. And so God decided to use my parents’ union to make The Perfect Man.

This Perfect Man would be handsome and brave – fearless in fact. He would be all the things a stereotypical American Manly-Man should be: he would love simple foods that are bad for him, he would enjoy working out, being angry, watching sports, drinking beer, and treating women like objects. He would have few emotions, a short attention span, and a complete lack of empathy for others, especially for women.

And then God thought, oh bollocks, I think I went too far. This so-called Perfect Man shall be a plague upon women. How do I fix it?? I know! I’ll just do a quick sex change and make that little embryo into a woman instead.

Thus I was born. Fearless to the point of foolishness, gorgeous and vain, rage-a-holic, lover of sports (interrupt a Devils game and DIE), lover of beer, hater of all things female, completely emotionless, and morally bankrupt.

Good job, God.

So far today, I ate: cereal (140), coffee (10).

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Hockey and treadmill don't mix.

This evening I attempted to watch the Devils vs. Flyers while I was on the treadmill. Very bad idea.

This is the first time I’ve tried to watch sports while running on the treadmill. I nearly killed myself a few times. Every time the game started to get really intense, I would start running faster than the treadmill was moving. Tension was running high as well, because if the Devils lost, they would be OUT of the playoffs. So when the Flyers scored their second goal, I swore and yelled really loud, tripped, and very nearly went tumbling off the treadmill.

And the Devils lost.

Note to self – stick to TV and horror movies (horror movies make you run faster).

Today, I ate: cereal (140), coffee (10), Jell-O Mousse (60), Lean Cuisine (210). Exercise burned 850, so that’s a grand total of -430.

Bulimia By Accident.

I know it's stupid and a bad road to go down, but I'm back on the oxy-morphone. It' more or less oxycontin and morphine mixed together in a pill, which you crush up and snort. One little pill last me about 1 to 2 weeks. The awesome thing about OM is that you can exercise like crazy for a REALLY long time and never get tired, crampy, or otherwise worn out.

When I first started doing it in January, I started slow. I used to do just plain morphine, so I figured OM was just as strong and I should really wean myself onto it. This time however, I just dove straight in without starting small, and the side effects are way worse than they were last time. A friend of mine suffers similar side effects and uses the OM for the same reasons, so Idk if it's a normal side effect, or just a result of the exercise and excessive water intake.

If you exercise for 2 hours straight, you will probably get really thirsty. OM dehydrates you, I think, so when I work out on the OM's, I end up drinking like 3 HUGE glasses of water. Then I shower, eat my Lean Cuisine, and go have a cigarette. Every time, the result is the same: the cigarette makes me nauseous, and immediately after I finish it, I run into the bathroom to puke. Originally, I was only yakking up water, even if I had just eaten. Last night, though, I yakked up my dinner.

I have mixed feelings about this. I don't like the idea of purging that way at all, but at the same time, I feel excited about it. I don't think I lost all of my dinner, but I definitely lost like 1/3 to 1/2 of it. That's like erasing calories. I ate 550 yesterday, so I felt super fat after dinner, but then way better once I puked some of it up.

I have no intention of ceasing the OM use (at least, not until I run out of it), so I guess I'll just have to deal! :D

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Idk. I'm just weird, I guess.

I know this doesn’t make much sense to normal people, but when my entire digestive system is empty, I feel clean. Like some people are nuts with washing their hands and constantly using those Purell things, I like knowing that my tummy is pure and clean.

Certain foods are “clean,” in my mind. Cereals like Special K and Corn Flakes are clean and sterile. Lean Cuisines are clean. Those 90 calories Fiber One bars are clean. Other stuff, though – like hamburgers, French fries, shake n’ bake, ice cream, pastas – those are all filthy. Like eating dirt. Eating oil and grease that stains and soils my insides. I know that laxatives don’t really erase fat or calories, but I feel like they get all that filth out of my system, and leave it clean and empty. That’s why I take a ton of them after I binge, so I can be clean again. Gleaming and shiny like clean white tiles of a kitchen. That’s the image I get in my mind, and food like Corn Flakes or Lean Cuisines are just the necessary things you need in the kitchen, while greasy food is just stains on the perfect white tiled floor.

Today, I ate: cereal (140), coffee (10), candy (250, fat ass-hole), Lean Cuisine (150). Exercise burned 775, and I puked up about half my dinner (-75), so that's a grand total of -300.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My ribs are sticking out again :D

And yet the number on the scale is still the same. 109 for WEEKS. I try to tell myself it's muscle-weight, because I exercise like a fiend. But I still feet fat.

Today I ate: cereal (160), coffee (10), Lean Cuisine (260); total of 430. Exercise burned about 750, so that's a total of -320 for the day.


Down in the cafeteria in my office building, there is sometimes a stack of these super delicious little squares of coffee cake. They’re pretty big pieces, and the whole piece is 250 calories. That’s a ton all at once, but if I eat that and have nothing for dinner, that’ll only be 420 calories for the day after breakfast and coffee. However, after my work out, I will want a little something to eat. I can probably have one of the really low-cal lean cuisines and still be in negative nubmers for the day, but I still feel like a fat ass.

But I really want that cake.

There is now an epic battle going on in my brain. I have armed the Thin side with 4 Sudafed, and new flavored tea in my purse, ready for my tea break later. But the Fat side wants that bloody cake, and when I go down to the caf for my tea, the Fat side will spot the stack of coffee cake, and will begin an onslaught of Hunger that Thin will have to fight with all of her strength. Thin shall have to be extra-strong.

I really have to weigh the consequences, as well. Sure when I’m in the process of eating the cake, I get happy. Afterwards, though, I ALWAYS feel sick. Probably a combo of the fact that I just scarfed down a nice big square of pure cellulite, and also that the cake is so sweet (I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, in general – I’m more of a carnivore). I try to keep that in mind, but for some reason my brain likes to ignore the fact that the cake makes me nauseous for hours, and I still want more. To me, this is a sign that humans are not evolving. At least not as far as brainpower goes.

You want to be THIN, darnit! NO CAKE!!!

So far today, I ate: cereal (160), coffee (10).

Friday, April 16, 2010

Crikey, I'm bored!

I think about food most when I'm bored. And today, I am super bored. Praise be to God I didn't bring any money to work, just $1 for my afternoon tea (which is ridiculous, because I bring my own bollocky teabags and don't use milk, so basically the Italian down in the cafeteria is charging me a dollar for a paper cup and some hot water).

Perhaps I just think this now because I'm young and thin and gorgeous (and oh so modest!!), but I'm kind of excited about getting old. I figure, once I'm past the point of stopping men dead in their tracks with my looks, then I can just go, 'feck it, I'm eating whatever the heck I want.' I'll be old and wrinkly anyway, so who cares if I pack on a few extra pounds? And I have noticed that heavier women tend to look younger longer. Look at the actress Fionnula Flanagan --->
She's 70, and I think she still looks fabulous. And Paula Deen, who is almost 70 as well. She looks great!

So the way I see it, once I hit that age, it will be like retirement from starvation. Instead of retiring from a job and going golfing every day and then going to Florida to die, I'll retire from Ana and eat lots and lots every day, and cook and bake myself silly.

So far today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (160; we only had Special K, and I forgot to check the label before I ate it, or I would have had less), coffee (10).

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Starving is worth it just for this.

I've finally gotten back to the point where I'm cold all the time. Lack of body fat to insulate me, I presume. It's perfect, because I LOVE the cold. I've always hated summer, and heat, and things like that. Give me bitter cold and snow and eternal winter, and I'd be thrilled. My ultimate goal is to lose enough body fat that I need a sweater even when it's 100 degrees out.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (140), coffee (10), 1/2 apple (40), Lean Cuisine (290), for a total of 480. I burned about 725 cals exercising, for a Grand Total of -245 for the day.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Snacks that aren't actually food.

It's especially hard to starve hardcore when you really love food. And I do love food. I can't get enough fine dining. Even when my willpower is at its peak, if my mother asks me to join her at Esty Street, or Xaviar's, there's no way to resist. And I myself am a pretty good cook. Often, when I set aside a day to binge, it's so I can eat my own culinary masterpieces.

So how to snack on something delicious without actually eating? TEA. And Celestial Seasonings makes some truly fantastic no-calorie snacks. You can't buy the tea off the website,. but you can check for local shops that carry them, or do what I do and get them off Amazon. They taste amazing. There's fruity ones of all kinds, for those who prefer fruity snacks. And for people like me, there's cookies flavored ones. That's right, ladies: COOKIE-FLAVORED tea.

I happened upon these teas kind of by accident. Digging through the cupboards the other day and cursing my own laziness at not stopping at A&P to get more green tea, I found a box of C. S. Gingerbread Cookie tea, and decided to have some. With half a packet of splenda, it was DELICIOUS. And it actually tastes like a cookie.

Of course I keep forgetting to fill my ziploc teabag bag up for work, so I'm stuck with whatever they have down in the caf.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (140), coffee (10), Jell-O Mousse (60), Lean Cuisine (290), for a total of 500. I burned about 750 exercising, so that's a Grand Total of -250 for the day.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I hate making excuses. In general I just don't do it, as a rule. Even when I was younger and in school, for example, I never made excuses. Forgot my homework? Failed a test? Missed a day of class? I let the teachers imagine whatever reason they thought I had, and never gave an explanation. I figure excuses are for when you can't handle the mistake you've made. I can handle it.

However, when it comes to eating and food, I make excuses. It's a special occasion, so I can eat. Like this weekend, I met my cousin from New Zealand for the first time and dad had a barbecue to celebrate the cousin being here, so I said it's a special occasion, I can totally stuff my face. And on weekends in general - "I've been so good all week, I deserve a day off," and that leads to me inhaling a large plate of fried food. I can totally scarf down that Pizza Hut; I'll just take a bunch of ex-lax right after.

And these past two weeks, I've been back on the prescrip painkillers for exercising, so I can exercise way more than usual. So I think, "I can totally eat a normal dinner, since I exercised for so long".

This is a bad habit, and it stops NOW. I was ok yesterday. Not quite passable, maybe, but ok: tiny bowl of cereal (140), coffee (10), some chocolate milk (100), and then I picked at dinner so it looked like I was eating (like 300). That's a total of 550, and I burned 750 exercising. Then I ate two fiber bars (200), so I broke even.

Today, I ate: 1 bowl cereal (150), coffee (10), 3/4 apple (60), Lean Cuisine (290), 1/2 cup diet Swiss Miss (15), for a Total of 525. Exercise burned about 750, so that a Grand Total of -225.


Friday, April 9, 2010

Slowly moving forward...

So even though I had to go get my head bleached yesterday and pick up the little (brat) sister afterwards, I still exercised when I got home at 7.45. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill, 150 sit-ups, and 10 mins on the Total Gym. AND I didn't eat anything all day other than a bowl of Cheerios (140), some coffee (10), and some chocolate milk to keep me going throughout the day (180).

I shall hopefully have the same success today, although I'll have to eat a little something later, before going to the pub.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

If this was a religion, Satan would have dragged me to hell by now.

My diet has totally gone to hell. I am officially too scared to weigh myself.

Ok, so it's probably not THAT bad, but in my head it feels that bad. Easter, as with most holidays, was a total failure. I think I ate my weight in lamb. I did NOT, however, eat more than a couple tiny bites of candy. And the lamb was cooked by my step-grandmother, who I'm pretty sure sold her soul to the devil so that she could cook the most perfect rack of lamb ever.

In order to rectify the horrors of the Easter Consumption, I have been perc-er-cising (exercising on percocets). 10 mg of perc lets me run on the treadmill for at least one hour. That combined with the sit-ups and the workout on the Total Gym means I burn about 600-700 calories every day. If I have the time, I work out longer, but I usually don't.

I haven't been eating like crazy this week, but I have been going way over the 500 calorie mark, which is just sick. I need to FOCUS. And I need to start doing better TODAY. So no more snacks or lunches, no matter how small. I've brought my bottle of skim chocolate milk, and that's all I plan to consume today, except maybe a bit of celery for dinner. And I'm getting my head bleached this evening, so I won't be able to work out.

No food. NONE. Because I'm a giant fat disgusting hippopotamus that doesn't deserve to live.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I want to Bleed.

This is what I call a Bad Patch. I had a nasty one starting last year around Thanksgiving, and it lasted until way after New Year’s. I got up to 115 lbs of blubber, but then I got some oxy-morphone from a friend and was able to do ridiculous workouts for 2 hours, 7 days a week, burning at least 800 calories at a time, so I could pretty much eat normally and stay around 105-110 and be happy. Then the drugs ran out, and I can’t work out like that without them, so I had to start starving again.

Now things are falling apart. It’s a Bad Patch as far as Ana is concerned, but a Really Friggin Bad Patch as far as life is concerned. I have friends who are giving me more grief than I really need right now. My grandmother is on her way out and having one health catastrophe after another (angina attack, blood clot, heart attack, perforated hernia, and renal failure over the course of 3 days) and that leaves my mother a hysterical mess because it’s a holiday weekend so she can’t find a flight over to Ireland to see her own dying mother before she breathes her last and leaves us all forever. And I’m just a mess in general and have been for a while because I am certifiably a little nuts. We all go a little mad sometimes.

I don’t like this feeling. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it builds and builds and builds to the point where I feel like I’m going to detonate at any moment and destroy everything in a 100-mile radius. I’m not wired for depression, so what would probably be depression in a normal person becomes something else in me. It begins as anxiety, which first exacerbates my OCD. I get antsy and fidgety and have to organize and count to 28 and make sure everything I do/see/touch/hear/eat/etc is in even numbers, and God help me if something is in a prime number because then I just need to take like 5 Sominex and sleep it off.

Once the anxiety reaches critical mass, it becomes anger, and I will take it out on anything and anyone within reach. You could be a complete stranger who just happens to try and read a sign behind me in a shop, and you’re frowning because you forgot your glasses but I think you’re frowning at me, so I’ll probably give you an evil glare and tell you to feck off in a very loud and threatening tone. Just an example….

The anger then quickly evolves to RAGE. The rage is like a high and low at the same time. It gets me thinking about sad things and suicidal things (depression with its wires crossed wrong in my brain??), but then I get so enraged about everything that I just want to lash out and go on a killing spree and destroy everything with large edged weapons and explosions. But I can’t do that, as it would likely land me in prison with a life sentence, or a lethal injection (which doesn’t sound so bad, when I get to this point).

Basically, I don’t really know what to do with my rage, so I tend to take it out on myself. I haven’t cut in 5 years. It got really bad and people noticed, so I had to stop. I resorted to punching instead, but that’s harder and also leaves marks that end up mistakenly identified as evidence of an abusive boyfriend, so I stopped that as well. Now, I feel like my life is slowly unraveling, and to top it all off, I’ve been having a harder time fighting the cravings for food. There hasn’t been all-out binging, but I’m eating, and that makes me anxious and upset and therefore angry. I haven’t wanted to cut this badly in a long time. I’m a recovering addict, and the addiction is still just as strong. I just want to get out the old hunting knives that are still stashed in my room and slice myself up.

I don’t like talking about my feelings. Ever. To anyone. This is the closest I’ll get, because I’m addressing an anonymous audience who may never even read this. I guess that’s why I feel so alone in these emotions. I figure if anyone else ever feels the same things I do – no depression, just anxiety and ridiculous anger, cutting, and ana – they probably don’t want to talk about it either.

The camel’s back is pretty full, and I don’t know what’s going to happen when the final straw breaks it.